the powerplay starts now!

hello, reeds.

i'm sick. i know: booo to the max.

but there is one good thing that comes out of this: out of sheer boredom, i have created a comic using free clipart i found on the internet!

i know what you're thinking: "hey, doesn't ryan north of dinosaur comics do that, and probably better?"

answer? yes. to both, i'm guessing.

but, as i'm sick, i've got nothing else to do but be unoriginal and lie around all day. so, without further ado, i present to you the first installment of a comic named after calling adam-reed on the phone and asking him the first hockey-term that came to his head!

PowerPlay!
by mike_________*__

now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

i break the ice, clay breaks the mold

what? he's posting again? i thought he quit!"

"what the hell is going on?!?"

well, i'll get right down to it, my abandoned & scared reeds: i loved doing this blog, but it became overwhelming to do everyday. one reason, amongst several, was (and is) my schedule.

today i read matt's touching blog post. matt's an excellent writer, and reading the post made me want to start writing again. as many of you know, this blog is just one of the many things i write. lately, i had been only dabbling in my writing, and longing to bring this blog back; but between a lack of inspiration and a feeling that i had "lost the blog," i never attempted to.

today, for no good reason, i decided to come back. so, thank you, matt, for giving me a kick in the ass without even knowing you did.

so what's the solution?

how about we do this: i'll keep doing this blog; but it's going to have to be sporadically updated from now on, rather than daily. i think that will work best for all of us. it allows more time for my influential writings to seep in, and gives all you reeds some free time to persue other interests--such as starting an unofficial fan club, or making crudely drawn representations of me on paint
now, with that out of the way, welcome to this long, long overdue, february 2nd post of tiny damaged notions!

yesterday, while driving home from class at 7pm (fun!), i noticed a license plate frame that read--are you ready?-- "i'd rather be at a clay aiken concert."

yep. no joke.

while searching the internet via google, i was unable to come up with a picture of this brilliant plate cover; but i did notice that many other bloggers, as well as clay aiken fan sites, have spotted these beauties.

so, i'm going to have to ask you guys to just use your imagination.

now, my first thought was, "really? clay aiken?" which was shortly followed by "what is he even doing now?" this is why today, i decided to consult our old friend with wishy-washy reliability, wikipedia, to learn more about this license-plate-frame worthy performer
clayton holmes grissom apparently enjoys being a sagittarius, laughing in oversized lawn chairs, and his label: RCA records.

and who can blame him? RCA records signed such greats as my morning jacket, which wikipedia describes as "an american rock band of hippies known for their reverb-heavy sound."

hippies with reverb? how can you go wrong?

the short answer is, "you can't." the long answer is, "you can't, JERK!"

easily, the most interesting part of mr. aiken/holmes grissom's wikipedia page is the section titled "controversies & media focus." on this current computer, i'm running a screen-resolution of 1280x1024, and you've still gotta scroll down a bit to see all of this chapter.

scandalous!

according to a july 2003 interview with rolling stone, who are currently sending me free issues, aiken discussed accidentally running over a cat:

There's nothing worse to me than a house cat. When I was about sixteen, I had a kitten and ran over it. Seeing that cat die, I actually think that its spirit has haunted me. I wasn't afraid of cats before. But now they scare me to death.
(wikipedia.com, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clay_aiken#Controversies_.26_Media_Focus")

kittens, known for centuries for their vengeful tactics in the afterlife, aren't the only things that bug the clayman--gnats aren't on his good side either.

in an interview with fly magazine, aiken decided to play to the magazine's key demographic of entomologists when responding to an inquiry about his appearance in tabloids, and constant speculations regarding his sexual orientation:

There are times that I look on the internet or read a message board and they’ll know things about me that I didn’t know. [laughs] "I never told anybody that! How did they find out?" So at first it’s a shock. And then later on it’s not as shocking but still upsetting. And then after a while, it’s just like having a gnat in your nose. You just want to kill it. [laughs] It becomes unfortunately a negative part of what you do, and you need to kind of live with it. But if you could get up your nose and kill it, you would do it. [laughs] It’s not so easy sometimes.
(flymagazine.net, "http://www.flymagazine.net/archive_bands_article.cfm?id=e6d73996")

for years, gnatnoseologists around the world have been working on the "gnat in your nose" epidemic sweeping the globe.

while many people suggest blowing ones nose would remove the gnat, nose purists, such as aiken, refuse said treatment--immediately eliminating picking as an abrasive and undesired procedure.

so, what can us claymates* do?

buy license-plate-covers to support mr. aiken. i hear the proceeds go to the NFRNG (national foundation for the removal of nose-gnats).

use this information wisely, reeds. it's long overdue, and many of you may not care anymore, but i still love you all with the EXACT SAME love that a mother has for her newborn child.

so don't go ruin it by keeping me up all night crying!
(ambiguous! who's crying, you or me?)

this has been TDN. thanks for stopping by.

*claymates is a registered trademark of clay aiken. all rights reserved.
i'm not kidding, either. type in "claymate" on the united states patent and trademark office's website and see for yourself

to anyone that celebrates

merry christmas, reeds!

hope everyone had a happy holiday season--whatever you may celebrate.

(be back soon)

donald vs. rosie in a 50th post extravaganza!

happy 50th post, reeds!

all you dedicated donnies and donnettes who have either been reading since day 1, or caught up on what you missed, have now read 50 rambles by yours truly.

ahh, the memories. together we've been through so much. and there's so much more to go!

with that said, i bring you post #50, this momentous thursday, december 21st, installment of tiny damaged notions!

[millions of cheering fans can be heard]

record-reed left me a comment today:

Uhh, Mike, I think you're falling for a Simpsons-esque "free boat" trick here. You're walking right into a trap laid by the police to catch criminals while in possession of yours and all your friends' firearms; the cops are going to take you down for being the vile, gun-running survivalist you are.

if you don't know what "'free boat' trick" he was referring to, shame on you!

and, mr. know-it-all, i highly doubt the police would care how i acquired so many firearms, or why so many of them are not even legal to own. i'm sure i'll get the $300 and free candy-cane for each one, no questions asked. so quit stalling and give me your guns!

but wait! that's not all. record-reed continued:

By the way, I tried to buy some Christmas presents with that "Confederated States of Goldence" money you gave me and they said it wasn't valid tender... yet.

don't worry, reeds. the "confederated states of goldence" currency that i distributed to you all is legal tender. however, it is currently only legal tender in my bedroom, which is the capitol of the "confederated states of goldence." once i win the presidency in 2008, change the name of the country, and expand the country throughout the whole world, you'll have no problem purchasing "mike-day" gifts for people.

and by people, i mean, obviously, me.

the name of my country, i'm sure, raises some questions. questions such as, "hey, what's with the name of your country? isn't your last named spelled with an 's'?"

to answer: yes, my last name is spelled g-o-l-d-e-n-s-e. the name of my country has a "c" in place of that "s" because i'm not an egotistical maniac, ok? maybe the pronunciation of the country's name is a play on "golden sea," rather than that of my last name, which is just "gold dense."

any further questions about this matter, and your dedication towards the confederacy will be put in question.

with that out of the way, we move towards entertainment news--the more popular, yet less important little brother of the regular news.

rosie o'donnell and donald trump are in a fight!

that's right. it all started on the view--where everything important begins--when rosie o'donnell
badmouthed trump's decision to keep the multi-talented coke-snorting, alcohol-addicted miss USA around (remember, we spoke about that yesterday).

donald trump,
seen here sticking a toothpick into his brown & white tongue, fired back with his own video, which subtly insinuates that he didn't like rosie's rant so much.

TMZ.com, everyone's favorite paparazzi-pusher, has a whole mess of videos up pertaining to this here brawl we got goin' on.

both sides seem to be debating with eloquence rivaling cicero.

trump: Rosie O'Donnell is disgusting, both inside and out...You take a look at her, she's a slob. She talks like a truck driver.
(E! News, "http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=a138e89e-c246-4046-9e3d-0913e020640d&page=1")

rosie: Donald, sit and spin, my friend
(E! News, "http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=a138e89e-c246-4046-9e3d-0913e020640d&page=1")

wow. good stuff.

while donald's attack may seem mean spirited, rosie o'donnell is no stranger to danger herself:

The loose-lipped View host has issued something of an apology for repeatedly using the phrase "ching chong" while speaking in mock Chinese tones last week, saying that she "never intended to hurt anyone"...[she also said] "So apparently 'ching-chong,' unbeknownst to me, is a very offensive way to make fun, quote unquote, or mock, Asian accents. Some people have told me it's as bad as the N-word. I was like, really? I didn't know that."
(E! News, "http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=b33c7760-8170-4fca-83b3-ecf82ebb11d0&entry=index")

i guess she'll need to throw away her whole "lucky me chinaman" routine. watch out, rosie, your turn-of-the-century vaudevillian minstrel act may be next in line on the chopping-block.

so, reeds, check out all the videos, and make your own opinion. or, better yet, start a betting pool on who will win the impending court case! trump's got the money, rosie's got the fans. this could be the big battle of '07.

before i bid you farewell, check this out:
yahoo! is claiming i owe THEM mail.

well, tough luck, yahoo! i ain't givin' up not one here mails o'mine!

thanks go out to yahoo! beta mail for the glitch, or material. however you look at it.

have a wonderful thursday, reeds! pick a fight with a billionaire tonight. go on, it's fun! the leader of the confederated states of goldence commands it.

drugs, guns, and trump!

mubble, mubble, mubble. i'm tired.

i'm feeling alright. nothing fantastic.

so, with that disclaimer of fun out of the way, here's your wednesday, december 20th installment of tiny damaged notions!

andy-alliteration is back!

(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

"teary tara to keep her tiara." brilliant.

so, what's this story about? donald trump's fetish for eating human ears, and the subsequent pain it causes his prey?

don't let the picture fool you, it's actually about "miss USA." apparently, the hard-drinking, cocaine-snorting, wildly-promiscuous beauty queen is being allowed to keep her crown after--well, being all those things.

tara conner, the aforementioned miss USA, told reporters

I wouldn't say that I'm an alcoholic. I think that would be pushing the envelope.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

but that's a little vague, don't you think?

i mean, to understand that, you need to understand the idiom "pushing the envelope" as meaning "to exceed the existing limits in a certain field." then you have to put both parts of that thought together as meaning "i do not believe i am an alcoholic. i believe calling me an alcoholic is going too far."

donald trump, who owns the miss USA pageant, seems to agree with me on this one, as he was quoted saying:

I don't think she's denying she's an alcoholic...She can be a great example for troubled people - and she's troubled - for troubled people...that have problems with alcohol.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

"who's denying what now? nah, she wasn't denying anything. she was talkin' 'bout envelopes."

so now the miss USA pageant takes another impressionable turn: showing "troubled people" that you can get away with clinging to your vices as long as you cry to a billionaire.

between that and anorexia/bulimia, i don't know why beauty pageants often have a negative light shone on them--do you?

in other news, check this out:

It doesn't matter if you've been naughty or nice, Suffolk [county, new york] police will still give you some cash for Christmas if you hand in a gun.

In the interest of getting guns off the streets and out of homes, the Suffolk County Police Department is offering residents who trade in their firearms up to $300.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/boroughs/story/481546p-405256c.html")

$300 per gun??

since i am a suffolk county resident for the time being, i need all you reeds to go donate your guns to me so that i can donate your guns to the suffolk county police department.

if you're questioning why you can't just hand in the guns yourselves and get the $300, it's because carrying a gun is a heavy responsibility--one that not everyone is ready for.

the second you obtain a firearm, you also obtain an evil enemy--sworn to take you down.

it's best if you just let me handle this one. trust me.

and for the final TDN tidbit, it's time for a quirky headline!
read the full story here. it's short, i promise.

you reeds have a lovely wednesday. if anyone wants to study for my german final, and then transfer the knowledge directly to my brain, let me know.

otherwise, i'm stealing your guns!

sniff this, you smelly racist!

woo!

i'm feeling a bit better. i don't want to jinx it, but i think i may be on that lovely road to wellness. the one paved with naps, and wet with the rain from tea-with-honey-and-lemon clouds.

therefore, on this tuesday, december 19th, i bring you the latest installment of tiny damaged notions!

so, remember the OJ book fiasco? remember how, as record-reed put it:

The great thing about the OJ book is it's something we can all get behind. Aside from maybe Club a Baby Seal day, I can't think of an idea that would be more universally reviled.

yeah, those were great times.

but then, as would be expected from any nation which does not promote murder, the book deal got canceled.

there were reports that judith regan, the publisher at harpercollins who thought up "if i did it," had only made the deal with OJ to get the confession out of him. this turned her from sleazeball to underhanded weirdo with an ok idea, but accomplished horribly wrong.

so we didn't hate her for a while. we just thought the whole thing was--how do you put this with an eloquence on par with that of "if i did it"--shady.

well, put back on those idiot-pointing-out gloves and get ready to extend a finger towards ms. regan! (finger can be chosen by the pointer):
anti-semitic remarks eh?

nothing like racism to add to your already brilliant track-record of attempting to publish a murderer's book on how he murdered his victims.

what were the racial remarks, you ask?

well, there were a couple. some are being contested by regan's "hollywood attorney." however, this one was rather ripe with ignorance:

Regan also complained, according to the account, that Friedman had not given her enough support during the recent controversy over the aborted O.J. Simpson book and TV deal she had promoted, saying: "Of all people, the Jews should know about ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie."
(latimes.com, "http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-fi-regan19dec19,1,646399.story?coll=la-headlines-entnews&track=crosspromo")

now, this of course can be read two ways.

one way indicates that "the jews" should know about "ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie" because they were the victims of just such an atrocity--of course, referring to the holocaust.

the other way in which ms. regan's quote can be read is by assuming jewish individuals should know about "ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie" because they themselves had done just that--perhaps referring to that most ignorant of ideas that the holocaust was a "big lie."

i'm not sure why (perhaps because my mind was told her comments were anti-semitic), but i immediately read it the second way. perhaps i should give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she meant the first (although i don't know why i would do that--maybe the hope that she's just an ignorant moron, but not one of the world's top ignorant morons). either way though, there is a clear amount of generalization and bias in her statement.

her book deal didn't go through, and she made a generalization that it should have since the executive, friedman, is jewish, and given that, he should have been thinking a certain way which is typical or expected of jewish people.

her train of thought lead her to blurt out that statement--notifying anyone she was speaking to (and now anyone reading the news), that she feels the actions and thoughts of any jewish individual should be easy to determine given that they all think alike.

of course, using religion or ethnicity to determine the course of actions people either do or should take is very much not ignorant.

nothing's wrong with assuming that you should think a certain way, or that you are above or below another person due to the color of your skin, the country your ancestors hail from, or the religion and/or religious culture which you tie yourself to.

if we as human beings are expected to treat every person as a unique individual whose background and/or upbringing may have influenced their personality, but is not the end-all reason for every action they take or thought they have, how are we supposed to irrationally scapegoat a group of people in order to make ourselves feel better?

what's next, peace on earth?

come on now.

in news not related to someone's moronic racist outburst, forbes.com recently made note of this:

Lost in the dark, without sight, sound, or clue? Follow your nose.
(forbes.com, "http://www.forbes.com/forbeslife/health/feeds/hscout/2006/12/18/hscout600212.html")

the author of this articlewasn't referring to those delicious fruit loops, but rather to a new study which indicates "people can certainly sniff their way accurately around a spatial context."

apparently, everyone assumes that humans have a poor sense of smell--and this study aimed to disprove that myth.

how did they disprove it?

The subjects were first blindfolded and ear-plugged before being asked to follow a 10-meter trail scented with "chocolate essential oil." They followed the trial by moving close to the ground on their hands and knees and wearing thick gloves, with only their noses to guide them.
(forbes.com, "http://www.forbes.com/forbeslife/health/feeds/hscout/2006/12/18/hscout600212.html")

did anyone else picture this taking place in a dark, narrow basement?

i know i did. but maybe that's just because all of my "scientific experiments" that involve people being blindfolded and ear-plugged while moving "close to the ground on their hands and knees" take place in dark basements.

and are video taped.

and aren't so much "scientific experiments" as they are "bondage videos."

but, maybe that's just me.

for now, i'm off! all you reeds have a smelly tuesday. sniff all you can--prove those naysayers wrong!

bounce away the virii

while many of you reeds have finals, i'm sure the lack of TDN has still been on your mind despite the constant stress the semester is putting you through.

fear not!

this blog shall return soon. for now, i am ill, and my level of funny has been drained.

i'm working it back up, you know with funny pills, and giggle drops.

today is monday, december 18th--and this is your half-assed, run-down installment of TDN!

ok, i never finished that thing about the visually impared hunting.

right, that's obviously not a good idea.

i'm very against discriminating against the visually impared, but it seems like a laser can tell you to shoot a human same as it can tell you to shoot a deer--how can the laser tell?

(got an answer, science?)

ok, and here's some new news:

Health officials blamed a highly contagious, hard-to-get-rid-of virus for an outbreak of illness among nearly 400 patrons of an Olive Garden restaurant outside Indianapolis.
(CNN, "http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/12/18/olive.garden.outbreak/")

right. so some olive garden closed down in indianapolis, indiana.

apparently the cause was a "hard-to-get-rid-of virus."

way to play the scapegoat card, olive garden. why don't you just take the blame for this one and quit blaming the poor hard-to-get-rid-of virii?

seriously.

and to end it, here's one of those guys who can bounce quarters really well and then gets really excited about it.

have a great monday night, reeds. let's hope a good night's sleep shakes the sickies outta me.