tiny damaged notions

the powerplay starts now!

2007-02-12T15:12:00.000-05:00

hello, reeds.

i'm sick. i know: booo to the max.

but there is one good thing that comes out of this: out of sheer boredom, i have created a comic using free clipart i found on the internet!

i know what you're thinking: "hey, doesn't ryan north of dinosaur comics do that, and probably better?"

answer? yes. to both, i'm guessing.

but, as i'm sick, i've got nothing else to do but be unoriginal and lie around all day. so, without further ado, i present to you the first installment of a comic named after calling adam-reed on the phone and asking him the first hockey-term that came to his head!

PowerPlay!
by mike_________*__

now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

i break the ice, clay breaks the mold

2007-02-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

what? he's posting again? i thought he quit!"

"what the hell is going on?!?"

well, i'll get right down to it, my abandoned & scared reeds: i loved doing this blog, but it became overwhelming to do everyday. one reason, amongst several, was (and is) my schedule.

today i read matt's touching blog post. matt's an excellent writer, and reading the post made me want to start writing again. as many of you know, this blog is just one of the many things i write. lately, i had been only dabbling in my writing, and longing to bring this blog back; but between a lack of inspiration and a feeling that i had "lost the blog," i never attempted to.

today, for no good reason, i decided to come back. so, thank you, matt, for giving me a kick in the ass without even knowing you did.

so what's the solution?

how about we do this: i'll keep doing this blog; but it's going to have to be sporadically updated from now on, rather than daily. i think that will work best for all of us. it allows more time for my influential writings to seep in, and gives all you reeds some free time to persue other interests--such as starting an unofficial fan club, or making crudely drawn representations of me on paint
now, with that out of the way, welcome to this long, long overdue, february 2nd post of tiny damaged notions!

yesterday, while driving home from class at 7pm (fun!), i noticed a license plate frame that read--are you ready?-- "i'd rather be at a clay aiken concert."

yep. no joke.

while searching the internet via google, i was unable to come up with a picture of this brilliant plate cover; but i did notice that many other bloggers, as well as clay aiken fan sites, have spotted these beauties.

so, i'm going to have to ask you guys to just use your imagination.

now, my first thought was, "really? clay aiken?" which was shortly followed by "what is he even doing now?" this is why today, i decided to consult our old friend with wishy-washy reliability, wikipedia, to learn more about this license-plate-frame worthy performer
clayton holmes grissom apparently enjoys being a sagittarius, laughing in oversized lawn chairs, and his label: RCA records.

and who can blame him? RCA records signed such greats as my morning jacket, which wikipedia describes as "an american rock band of hippies known for their reverb-heavy sound."

hippies with reverb? how can you go wrong?

the short answer is, "you can't." the long answer is, "you can't, JERK!"

easily, the most interesting part of mr. aiken/holmes grissom's wikipedia page is the section titled "controversies & media focus." on this current computer, i'm running a screen-resolution of 1280x1024, and you've still gotta scroll down a bit to see all of this chapter.

scandalous!

according to a july 2003 interview with rolling stone, who are currently sending me free issues, aiken discussed accidentally running over a cat:

There's nothing worse to me than a house cat. When I was about sixteen, I had a kitten and ran over it. Seeing that cat die, I actually think that its spirit has haunted me. I wasn't afraid of cats before. But now they scare me to death.
(wikipedia.com, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clay_aiken#Controversies_.26_Media_Focus")

kittens, known for centuries for their vengeful tactics in the afterlife, aren't the only things that bug the clayman--gnats aren't on his good side either.

in an interview with fly magazine, aiken decided to play to the magazine's key demographic of entomologists when responding to an inquiry about his appearance in tabloids, and constant speculations regarding his sexual orientation:

There are times that I look on the internet or read a message board and they’ll know things about me that I didn’t know. [laughs] "I never told anybody that! How did they find out?" So at first it’s a shock. And then later on it’s not as shocking but still upsetting. And then after a while, it’s just like having a gnat in your nose. You just want to kill it. [laughs] It becomes unfortunately a negative part of what you do, and you need to kind of live with it. But if you could get up your nose and kill it, you would do it. [laughs] It’s not so easy sometimes.
(flymagazine.net, "http://www.flymagazine.net/archive_bands_article.cfm?id=e6d73996")

for years, gnatnoseologists around the world have been working on the "gnat in your nose" epidemic sweeping the globe.

while many people suggest blowing ones nose would remove the gnat, nose purists, such as aiken, refuse said treatment--immediately eliminating picking as an abrasive and undesired procedure.

so, what can us claymates* do?

buy license-plate-covers to support mr. aiken. i hear the proceeds go to the NFRNG (national foundation for the removal of nose-gnats).

use this information wisely, reeds. it's long overdue, and many of you may not care anymore, but i still love you all with the EXACT SAME love that a mother has for her newborn child.

so don't go ruin it by keeping me up all night crying!
(ambiguous! who's crying, you or me?)

this has been TDN. thanks for stopping by.

*claymates is a registered trademark of clay aiken. all rights reserved.
i'm not kidding, either. type in "claymate" on the united states patent and trademark office's website and see for yourself

to anyone that celebrates

2006-12-25T00:09:00.000-05:00

merry christmas, reeds!

hope everyone had a happy holiday season--whatever you may celebrate.

(be back soon)

donald vs. rosie in a 50th post extravaganza!

2006-12-21T13:49:00.000-05:00

happy 50th post, reeds!

all you dedicated donnies and donnettes who have either been reading since day 1, or caught up on what you missed, have now read 50 rambles by yours truly.

ahh, the memories. together we've been through so much. and there's so much more to go!

with that said, i bring you post #50, this momentous thursday, december 21st, installment of tiny damaged notions!

[millions of cheering fans can be heard]

record-reed left me a comment today:

Uhh, Mike, I think you're falling for a Simpsons-esque "free boat" trick here. You're walking right into a trap laid by the police to catch criminals while in possession of yours and all your friends' firearms; the cops are going to take you down for being the vile, gun-running survivalist you are.

if you don't know what "'free boat' trick" he was referring to, shame on you!

and, mr. know-it-all, i highly doubt the police would care how i acquired so many firearms, or why so many of them are not even legal to own. i'm sure i'll get the $300 and free candy-cane for each one, no questions asked. so quit stalling and give me your guns!

but wait! that's not all. record-reed continued:

By the way, I tried to buy some Christmas presents with that "Confederated States of Goldence" money you gave me and they said it wasn't valid tender... yet.

don't worry, reeds. the "confederated states of goldence" currency that i distributed to you all is legal tender. however, it is currently only legal tender in my bedroom, which is the capitol of the "confederated states of goldence." once i win the presidency in 2008, change the name of the country, and expand the country throughout the whole world, you'll have no problem purchasing "mike-day" gifts for people.

and by people, i mean, obviously, me.

the name of my country, i'm sure, raises some questions. questions such as, "hey, what's with the name of your country? isn't your last named spelled with an 's'?"

to answer: yes, my last name is spelled g-o-l-d-e-n-s-e. the name of my country has a "c" in place of that "s" because i'm not an egotistical maniac, ok? maybe the pronunciation of the country's name is a play on "golden sea," rather than that of my last name, which is just "gold dense."

any further questions about this matter, and your dedication towards the confederacy will be put in question.

with that out of the way, we move towards entertainment news--the more popular, yet less important little brother of the regular news.

rosie o'donnell and donald trump are in a fight!

that's right. it all started on the view--where everything important begins--when rosie o'donnell
badmouthed trump's decision to keep the multi-talented coke-snorting, alcohol-addicted miss USA around (remember, we spoke about that yesterday).

donald trump,
seen here sticking a toothpick into his brown & white tongue, fired back with his own video, which subtly insinuates that he didn't like rosie's rant so much.

TMZ.com, everyone's favorite paparazzi-pusher, has a whole mess of videos up pertaining to this here brawl we got goin' on.

both sides seem to be debating with eloquence rivaling cicero.

trump: Rosie O'Donnell is disgusting, both inside and out...You take a look at her, she's a slob. She talks like a truck driver.
(E! News, "http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=a138e89e-c246-4046-9e3d-0913e020640d&page=1")

rosie: Donald, sit and spin, my friend
(E! News, "http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=a138e89e-c246-4046-9e3d-0913e020640d&page=1")

wow. good stuff.

while donald's attack may seem mean spirited, rosie o'donnell is no stranger to danger herself:

The loose-lipped View host has issued something of an apology for repeatedly using the phrase "ching chong" while speaking in mock Chinese tones last week, saying that she "never intended to hurt anyone"...[she also said] "So apparently 'ching-chong,' unbeknownst to me, is a very offensive way to make fun, quote unquote, or mock, Asian accents. Some people have told me it's as bad as the N-word. I was like, really? I didn't know that."
(E! News, "http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=b33c7760-8170-4fca-83b3-ecf82ebb11d0&entry=index")

i guess she'll need to throw away her whole "lucky me chinaman" routine. watch out, rosie, your turn-of-the-century vaudevillian minstrel act may be next in line on the chopping-block.

so, reeds, check out all the videos, and make your own opinion. or, better yet, start a betting pool on who will win the impending court case! trump's got the money, rosie's got the fans. this could be the big battle of '07.

before i bid you farewell, check this out:
yahoo! is claiming i owe THEM mail.

well, tough luck, yahoo! i ain't givin' up not one here mails o'mine!

thanks go out to yahoo! beta mail for the glitch, or material. however you look at it.

have a wonderful thursday, reeds! pick a fight with a billionaire tonight. go on, it's fun! the leader of the confederated states of goldence commands it.

drugs, guns, and trump!

2006-12-20T08:35:00.000-05:00

mubble, mubble, mubble. i'm tired.

i'm feeling alright. nothing fantastic.

so, with that disclaimer of fun out of the way, here's your wednesday, december 20th installment of tiny damaged notions!

andy-alliteration is back!

(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

"teary tara to keep her tiara." brilliant.

so, what's this story about? donald trump's fetish for eating human ears, and the subsequent pain it causes his prey?

don't let the picture fool you, it's actually about "miss USA." apparently, the hard-drinking, cocaine-snorting, wildly-promiscuous beauty queen is being allowed to keep her crown after--well, being all those things.

tara conner, the aforementioned miss USA, told reporters

I wouldn't say that I'm an alcoholic. I think that would be pushing the envelope.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

but that's a little vague, don't you think?

i mean, to understand that, you need to understand the idiom "pushing the envelope" as meaning "to exceed the existing limits in a certain field." then you have to put both parts of that thought together as meaning "i do not believe i am an alcoholic. i believe calling me an alcoholic is going too far."

donald trump, who owns the miss USA pageant, seems to agree with me on this one, as he was quoted saying:

I don't think she's denying she's an alcoholic...She can be a great example for troubled people - and she's troubled - for troubled people...that have problems with alcohol.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

"who's denying what now? nah, she wasn't denying anything. she was talkin' 'bout envelopes."

so now the miss USA pageant takes another impressionable turn: showing "troubled people" that you can get away with clinging to your vices as long as you cry to a billionaire.

between that and anorexia/bulimia, i don't know why beauty pageants often have a negative light shone on them--do you?

in other news, check this out:

It doesn't matter if you've been naughty or nice, Suffolk [county, new york] police will still give you some cash for Christmas if you hand in a gun.

In the interest of getting guns off the streets and out of homes, the Suffolk County Police Department is offering residents who trade in their firearms up to $300.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/boroughs/story/481546p-405256c.html")

$300 per gun??

since i am a suffolk county resident for the time being, i need all you reeds to go donate your guns to me so that i can donate your guns to the suffolk county police department.

if you're questioning why you can't just hand in the guns yourselves and get the $300, it's because carrying a gun is a heavy responsibility--one that not everyone is ready for.

the second you obtain a firearm, you also obtain an evil enemy--sworn to take you down.

it's best if you just let me handle this one. trust me.

and for the final TDN tidbit, it's time for a quirky headline!
read the full story here. it's short, i promise.

you reeds have a lovely wednesday. if anyone wants to study for my german final, and then transfer the knowledge directly to my brain, let me know.

otherwise, i'm stealing your guns!

sniff this, you smelly racist!

2006-12-19T08:55:00.000-05:00

woo!

i'm feeling a bit better. i don't want to jinx it, but i think i may be on that lovely road to wellness. the one paved with naps, and wet with the rain from tea-with-honey-and-lemon clouds.

therefore, on this tuesday, december 19th, i bring you the latest installment of tiny damaged notions!

so, remember the OJ book fiasco? remember how, as record-reed put it:

The great thing about the OJ book is it's something we can all get behind. Aside from maybe Club a Baby Seal day, I can't think of an idea that would be more universally reviled.

yeah, those were great times.

but then, as would be expected from any nation which does not promote murder, the book deal got canceled.

there were reports that judith regan, the publisher at harpercollins who thought up "if i did it," had only made the deal with OJ to get the confession out of him. this turned her from sleazeball to underhanded weirdo with an ok idea, but accomplished horribly wrong.

so we didn't hate her for a while. we just thought the whole thing was--how do you put this with an eloquence on par with that of "if i did it"--shady.

well, put back on those idiot-pointing-out gloves and get ready to extend a finger towards ms. regan! (finger can be chosen by the pointer):
anti-semitic remarks eh?

nothing like racism to add to your already brilliant track-record of attempting to publish a murderer's book on how he murdered his victims.

what were the racial remarks, you ask?

well, there were a couple. some are being contested by regan's "hollywood attorney." however, this one was rather ripe with ignorance:

Regan also complained, according to the account, that Friedman had not given her enough support during the recent controversy over the aborted O.J. Simpson book and TV deal she had promoted, saying: "Of all people, the Jews should know about ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie."
(latimes.com, "http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-fi-regan19dec19,1,646399.story?coll=la-headlines-entnews&track=crosspromo")

now, this of course can be read two ways.

one way indicates that "the jews" should know about "ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie" because they were the victims of just such an atrocity--of course, referring to the holocaust.

the other way in which ms. regan's quote can be read is by assuming jewish individuals should know about "ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie" because they themselves had done just that--perhaps referring to that most ignorant of ideas that the holocaust was a "big lie."

i'm not sure why (perhaps because my mind was told her comments were anti-semitic), but i immediately read it the second way. perhaps i should give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she meant the first (although i don't know why i would do that--maybe the hope that she's just an ignorant moron, but not one of the world's top ignorant morons). either way though, there is a clear amount of generalization and bias in her statement.

her book deal didn't go through, and she made a generalization that it should have since the executive, friedman, is jewish, and given that, he should have been thinking a certain way which is typical or expected of jewish people.

her train of thought lead her to blurt out that statement--notifying anyone she was speaking to (and now anyone reading the news), that she feels the actions and thoughts of any jewish individual should be easy to determine given that they all think alike.

of course, using religion or ethnicity to determine the course of actions people either do or should take is very much not ignorant.

nothing's wrong with assuming that you should think a certain way, or that you are above or below another person due to the color of your skin, the country your ancestors hail from, or the religion and/or religious culture which you tie yourself to.

if we as human beings are expected to treat every person as a unique individual whose background and/or upbringing may have influenced their personality, but is not the end-all reason for every action they take or thought they have, how are we supposed to irrationally scapegoat a group of people in order to make ourselves feel better?

what's next, peace on earth?

come on now.

in news not related to someone's moronic racist outburst, forbes.com recently made note of this:

Lost in the dark, without sight, sound, or clue? Follow your nose.
(forbes.com, "http://www.forbes.com/forbeslife/health/feeds/hscout/2006/12/18/hscout600212.html")

the author of this articlewasn't referring to those delicious fruit loops, but rather to a new study which indicates "people can certainly sniff their way accurately around a spatial context."

apparently, everyone assumes that humans have a poor sense of smell--and this study aimed to disprove that myth.

how did they disprove it?

The subjects were first blindfolded and ear-plugged before being asked to follow a 10-meter trail scented with "chocolate essential oil." They followed the trial by moving close to the ground on their hands and knees and wearing thick gloves, with only their noses to guide them.
(forbes.com, "http://www.forbes.com/forbeslife/health/feeds/hscout/2006/12/18/hscout600212.html")

did anyone else picture this taking place in a dark, narrow basement?

i know i did. but maybe that's just because all of my "scientific experiments" that involve people being blindfolded and ear-plugged while moving "close to the ground on their hands and knees" take place in dark basements.

and are video taped.

and aren't so much "scientific experiments" as they are "bondage videos."

but, maybe that's just me.

for now, i'm off! all you reeds have a smelly tuesday. sniff all you can--prove those naysayers wrong!

bounce away the virii

2006-12-18T17:04:00.000-05:00

while many of you reeds have finals, i'm sure the lack of TDN has still been on your mind despite the constant stress the semester is putting you through.

fear not!

this blog shall return soon. for now, i am ill, and my level of funny has been drained.

i'm working it back up, you know with funny pills, and giggle drops.

today is monday, december 18th--and this is your half-assed, run-down installment of TDN!

ok, i never finished that thing about the visually impared hunting.

right, that's obviously not a good idea.

i'm very against discriminating against the visually impared, but it seems like a laser can tell you to shoot a human same as it can tell you to shoot a deer--how can the laser tell?

(got an answer, science?)

ok, and here's some new news:

Health officials blamed a highly contagious, hard-to-get-rid-of virus for an outbreak of illness among nearly 400 patrons of an Olive Garden restaurant outside Indianapolis.
(CNN, "http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/12/18/olive.garden.outbreak/")

right. so some olive garden closed down in indianapolis, indiana.

apparently the cause was a "hard-to-get-rid-of virus."

way to play the scapegoat card, olive garden. why don't you just take the blame for this one and quit blaming the poor hard-to-get-rid-of virii?

seriously.

and to end it, here's one of those guys who can bounce quarters really well and then gets really excited about it.

have a great monday night, reeds. let's hope a good night's sleep shakes the sickies outta me.

part I: blind texas gun laws!

2006-12-14T15:37:00.000-05:00

good evening, reeds!

it's late afternoon; the sun is setting on this thursday, december 14th, and i'm here to give you another installment of tiny damaged notions!

let's play a little game called "how much absurd," shall we?

it's easy to play. you simply point out "how much absurd" this next news blurb has. got it?

(blog.washingtonpost.com, "http://blog.washingtonpost.com/offbeat/2006/12/blind_texas_gun_laws.html")

"visually impared texans, grab your rifles!"

that's a good start.

then, of course, there's a picture of rudolph to accompany the report. seemingly illogical, it pertains to the "laser sights" that visually impared citizens would be using to guide their santa-esque bullets to the chimney-esque prey.

now granted, this was a blog post; and blog posts can be, at times, ridiculous.

(hello)

but, it raises a valid point: the visually impared, hunting?

more on this tomorrow...

the stars tell me i'm boring

2006-12-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

today is wednesday the 13th! ahhh!

welcome to your latest installment of tiny damaged notions.

in this corner, we have daredevil evel knievel:
he loves america, rockets, and red metal frames.

in this corner, we have kanye west:
he loves hip-hop music, t gra awar, and STEALING IDENTITIES!

"what?"

allow me explain: evel knievel is suing kanye west because knievel feels kanye's latest video "tarnishes [knievel's] image by its 'vulgar, sexual' nature."

"i'm still not following."

In [his latest music video], West is renamed Evel Kanyevel, wears a jumpsuit similar to Knievel's and cavorts with Pamela Anderson. Knievel is seeking damages and a halt to distribution of the video, which was made for the single Touch the Sky.
(BBC News, "http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6175347.stm")

oh. ok. i guess that's something. suing people.

here's a screenshot from the video which shows evel kanyevel in all his sexy, raunchy glory:
::sigh::

this story is boring me. who cares? i don't.

let's see what else i can find.

umm, angelina jolie spoke up for the first time about her meeting brad pitt:

Because of the film [mr. and mrs. smith], we ended up being brought together to do all these crazy things, and I think we found this strange friendship and partnership that kind of just suddenly happened.
(iafrica.com, "http://entertainment.iafrica.com/news/520285.htm")

i always said that movie brings people together.

ughh, that's pretty boring news too.

oh, chontel-reed informed me that TDN is now 2nd on google if you use quotes, and 3rd if you don't use any! great job keeping these hits coming, everyone! now we're sure to take over the world.

that's pretty exciting, but still--i need something big.
what?

Portland Police Spokesperson Brian Schmautz said shortly after 5:00 p.m. Friday night officers at the Northeast Precinct on NE Emerson St. got a call that someone had just hit one of their patrol cars, then backed up and hit it again.

The officers went outside and saw an abandoned Honda Civic that happened to be right next to the damaged patrol car.

A short time later police found the driver of the Honda, 35-year-old Jason Klopf.

Jason Klopf said he rammed the patrol car because police failed to pull him over for speeding.

Klopf apparently told officers he was upset because he had been driving around on city streets at over 100 mph and no one ever pulled him over to give him a ticket.
(kgw.com, "http://www.kgw.com/news-local/stories/kgw_120906_news_reckless_driver.102f899d.html")

oh. well, that doesn't make much sense.

why is everything either boring or just plain nonsense today?!

ugh, maybe my horoscope will provide some excitement:
what the hell is that?!?!

save money?!?

that's the most boring horoscope i've ever read.

and that overview is pretty bland too.

this is a horoscope. where's the info that i'll fall into riches today, or find my true love, or battle old vikings on neptune? just make shit up, dammit!

save money--psshh.

well, that's all i've got today. even the stars say i'm going to have a pretty boring day, so i apologize for the lack of entertainment.

everyone go here and just enjoy that instead.

have a wonderful day, reeds. go out there and spend some money, build a rocket, sue evel knievel, and marry brad pitt. you've got all day--get to it!

no, ariel, you're the slut!

2006-12-12T08:11:00.000-05:00

howdy ya'll. it's early in the mo'nin on this here tuesday, december 12th, and i welcome everybody to another installment of tiny damaged notions!

adam-reed gives us this breaking news from ABC:
psssh, big deal. i've been writing "your daughter's a slut" on bathroom walls for years now.

i speak in jest. however, this mother sure didn't feel like joking around when her disney-approved shimmering lights ariel doll called her daughter a slut.

want to hear it for yourself? click this link to go to the news article. there's a link to the video on the left column.

i was honestly expecting worse. it sounds like a malfunction.

is it bad that i was hoping someone would have recorded themselves yelling "YOU'RE A SLUT!" into the doll itself? at least that would be entertaining news.

so, when the doll isn't deriding your chastity, what's it saying?

Normally, the doll says the phrases, "Your sparkles are so beautiful," "Life is the bubbles" and "You're a wonderful friend." It also hums a song without words.
(abc news, "http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=2714761&page=1")

"life is the bubbles?"

what the hell does that even mean? are kids saying this nowadays?

"yo man did you catch that excellent sports game the other night?"
"yeah, it was the bubbles, bro. our favorite local sports team won!"

apparently, the doll started saying that naughty phrase after the little girl kept pressing the button--skipping all these other phrases--to get to the song without words. while skipping phrases, it can say a string of words which sounds like "you're a slut!"

this whole thing sent me back to my lovely days at toys r us, and not only because i've sold many a disney doll in my day, but because of this green guy:
that's the leapfrog alphabet pal caterpillar.

this cutesy crawler helps teach your child about the alphabet in a number of different ways. that horizontal slit on his neck changes the mode of learning. one mode says the letter, one says the phonetic sound the letter makes in the english language, and there's another mode i forgot.

when you go on the phonetic sound mode, letter's like "F" make a "fffffff" sound. this is all fine, except when you follow it with the "ckkkkkkkk" sound of the "K."

in this original green model, that made the caterpillar say "ffffffckkkkkkk" which, as one could imagine, sounded suspiciously like "fuck." this meant that all us sales associates on the floor would walk around with the toy and show all the other non-manager employees.

eventually, leapfrog caught on, and issued a new version:
this sassy purple caterpillar no longer said that naughty word. now when you tried to phonetically make it say "F" and "K" back to back, it said "fffffff, hehehehe, that tickles! ckkkkkkkk." they also changed the sound of the "D" to make "D" and "K" sound more like "duck" and less like "dick."

if i still worked in toys r us, i guarantee there'd be one of these ariel dolls open in the back, and every employee (manager included) would try his or her hand at getting it to call them a slut.

what a good job that was.

but back to the article: what did mattel think of this little blooper?

well, they're not going to recall any of the dolls, since there was only one instance of vulgarity that came spewing out of this underwater princess. plus, as they put it, "sometimes, this type of controversy makes a toy all the more desirable."

looks like my "filth-mouth frank" doll is gonna fit right in with this year's holiday output!

"hey, dickhead! you suck!"
"i think you smell like my asshole!"

those are just some of the phrases youngins can giggle over as they learn a valuable part of any language: vulgarity.

let's move on--to gross sea creatures!

check this guy out:

This undated handout photo provided by the Census of Marine Life shows a Kiwa hirsuta, the Yeti crab, a new species found near Easter Island.
(happynews.com, "http://www.happynews.com/news/12112006/scientists-marvel-sea-life-miles-deep.htm")

happynews.com has a mission statement that no one can really mock: "real news. compelling stories. always positive."

the news is all-too-often negative. many news channels try to instill fear in their readers and/or viewers in order to obtain ratings. much like how a hellfire sermon would be given to ensure strict loyalty from those listening (to prevent eternal damnation), normal news stations hope that viewers (or readers in the case of newspapers) will believe that their company is the only thing that can help them continue to lead a safe, happy life.

so kudos on attempting to turn this around, happynews.com.

although i don't really think a hairy crab is that happy. it's pretty damn gross to me (chris-reed, fire back a rebuttal!). crabs seemed fine without hair on them. now this just opens the door for many more STD jokes.

"hey, john, look what i discovered: it's a kiwa hirsuta--the yeti crab. it's got a layer of fur on it."
"yeah, frank, you would be familiar with discovering crabs covered with hair wouldn't you?? ::snicker::"

that's it for me, gang. i'll catch you wonderful reeds tomorrow. until then, have a slut-riffic tuesday, on me.

(pun?)

(ago) it's an argument, einstein!

2006-12-11T10:02:00.000-05:00

it's monday. huzzah, hooray, and stuff.

good afternoon, reeds. it's 12/11, and i'm feeling lazy to the max. but, regardless, i'll try my best at giving you your latest installment of tiny damaged notions!

globeandmail.com recently banged out this news report:
"ugly, but...deep"? that's the same thing they said about english philosopher john locke:
man, look at that sexy outfit, and wig!

but globeandmail.com's article was referring to gross new creatures beneath the antarctic ice.

yum.

you know, researchers have made leaps and bounds this year with discovering new crap that only they care about. for instance, globeandmail.com told of this discovery:

A shrimp believed extinct for 50 million years ago was found on an underwater peak in the Coral Sea near Australia.
(globeandmail.com, "http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061211.wxmarine1211/BNStory/Science/home")

"a shrimp believed extinct for 50 million years ago." now that's good writing!

the word "ago" is so hard not to use (ago) since it's just so damn cool. so ku(ago)dos to you globeandmail.com, who feel no (ago) need in sticking to conventional norms of the english languag(o)e.

perhaps the most interesting thing about this article, aside from the typo, is the comments left on globeandmail.com about the article.

M PETERSON, the fastest fingers in canada, was the first to rip it apart:

'Scientists discover many new species in the inky water under Antarctica'. There is a big difference between (a) the discovery of a species and (b) the discovery of a new species.
(globeandmail.com, "http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061211.wxmarine1211/CommentStory/Science/home#comment515268")

he went on to explain both points (a) and (b) in a fashion that reminded me how boring i am when i go on my own english rants.

the next message-board fanatic was brendan caron from vancouver. he wanted to get past all of this hubub and bad mojo being spread around by M PETERSON:

Semantics aside...[sic] Ever since the submersible, ALVIN. in the late seventies we have realized that life goes on far beneath the realms of man's imaginings[...]Even if we don't survive it is nice to know that life goes on and in a few billion years the planet may be inhabited by human-like species. Hope they do better than we are apparently doing. Trust that God dude to do the right thing. Hear tell He don't gamble...[sic] so Einstein claims/says.
(globeandmail.com, "http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061211.wxmarine1211/CommentStory/Science/home#comment515268")

ok, so that kind of related to the article. that's a start; and i agree, it is nice to know that soon humans will be extinct. why is that? well, because we'll all be in the hands of that bodacious surfer in the sky, "God dude," right brendan? get ready for an eternity of tubular waves, bro!

after that, joe mead from winnipeg wanted to beat M PETERSON at his own game:

Thanks for the English lesson #1. But is it a 'big difference' or just a 'difference' ? What exactly does 'big' mean here? What if it was only a 'little difference'? Or maybe you could also mean a 'tiny difference', in which case this topic is totally irrelevant to the article.
(globeandmail.com, "http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061211.wxmarine1211/CommentStory/Science/home#comment515268")

oooohh, eat that, PETERSON!

although, while you tried, joe, your only point of evidence seems to be entirely fabricated. you made the argument that M PETERSON used "big" when he should have used "little" or "tiny," and then stated that if he did mean "little" or "tiny" then his comment was invalid. you should have supported your claim by showing how the semantic difference M PETERSON spoke about was actually little (or tiny) when taking in the whole article. this way you wouldn't have jumped straight from your argument to winning--alchemy style--and instead would have possibly showed that guy up.

next time.

comment lover #4 decided to arm himself with facts straight from google, and fired some bullets of truth at "surfin' joe" mead. jean-noÃ«l roy from montrÃ©al, who was voted most l33t h4x0r in all of montrÃ©al, claimed that einstein did not believe in the judeo-christian monotheistic God.

::gasp!::

well, now that a debate was on my hands, i went straight towards the source of all truth to answer this: wikipedia.

In response to the telegrammed question of New York's Rabbi Herbert S. Goldstein in 1929: "Do you believe in God? Stop. Answer paid 50 words." Einstein replied "I believe in Spinoza's God, Who reveals Himself in the lawful harmony of the world, not in a God Who concerns Himself with the fate and the doings of mankind." Note that Einstein replied in only 25 (German) words. Spinoza was a naturalistic pantheist.
(wikipedia.com, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Einstein#Religious_views")

well, that's the only answer i need. looks like einstein loves pantheism.

why don't you just go off and read walden, einstein!

now there's a sentence i never thought i would get to use.

have a wonderous monday full of surfin' it up, you gnar-tastic reeds! and go argue on some message boards for me.

(ago)

we want snow! project stormfury, attack!

2006-12-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

happy friday, reeds!

here's a couple pre-christmas wishes from yours truly:

snow for new york
a music box with an amazing song
the song "the world spins madly on" by the weepies to be loved by everyone
required calvin & hobbes reading time at work
the song "say yes" by elliott smith to be loved by everyone
(how can it not be?)
the woot-off to have something good, dammit!

now that that's out of the way, we can get on to your daily installment of tiny damaged notions!

so, with the news from brittany- and adam-reed-NH (that's new hampshire, since i know too many adams and that's where he lives) that snow was covering their town of plymouth, i decided to check the weather forecast for my small-town in long island:
notice the lack of snow which is making me quite envious of my friends to the north.

there's a high of 31º today, but then a high of 56º for next wednesday. what the hell is going on here?

there's only one option i can think of: someone is controlling the weather, and having a blast confusing us all with vast temperature changes.

this brings us to today's topic for wiki-licious friday: weather control!

(all excerpts below: "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weather_control")

that's right, weather control has a wikipedia page; and even more than that, it makes sure to notify us that,

Marvel Comics heroes Thor and Storm could control weather; the former because he is the Norse god of thunder, the latter because she is a mutant whose powers specifically center around weather control.

and some people still say wikipedia isn't an academic source?

just wait until THOR STRIKES YOU DOWN WITH MJOLNIR!
(that's his hammer)

so, back to weather control. after a brief historical account of american indian rain rituals, and notifying readers that finnish people "were believed by others to be able to control all weather,"
wikipedia goes on to tell us of the first weather controler:

the lightning rod!

wait, that's pretty boring. plus, i heard finnish people laugh at lightning rods for their meek attempt at weather control.

damn those sexy finns.

but wait, check this out:

Project Stormfury was an attempt to weaken tropical cyclones by flying aircraft into storms and seeding the eyewall with silver iodide

project stormfury?! that's amazing!

so pilots flew aircrafts into tropical storms and got to say they were working on project stormfury?

it's gonna be pretty tough to find a cooler job description.

as for the future of weather control, wikipedia even had something to say about that:

There are two factors which make weather control extremely difficult if not fundamentally unattainable. The first is the immense quantity of energy contained in the atmosphere. The second is its turbulence.

i think they forgot the third factor: the immense LAME rays coming from the weather-control committee.

i mean, come on. the atmosphere has more energy than us? i recall a little thing called the arms race which existed between the US and russia. we'll just do what we're good at doing as a country: threaten the atmosphere with atomic weaponry until it listens to us.

and as for turbulence, that's just the atmosphere's version of a hissy-fit. you tell it to stop its chaotic, stochastic property changes and quit being such a baby.

damn, i don't know why i'm not on this weather-control committee--if it even exists. apparently they're saying stuff here about how if we alter our weather, it may eventually make the planet uninhabitable by humans.

::sigh:: this is where mr. hawking's idea comes into play again, everyone. let's learn to control the weather here, use it and abuse it, then move on to planet number two!

i don't know why this is so hard to grasp. star trek got it right:

In the Star Trek universe, most advanced planets and colonies utilise [sic] weather control.

damn brits and their "z" to "s" switch!

or should i say, "zwitch"!

well, that's all i've got for today, reeds. once again we've learned that star trek contains all the hopes and dreams for the future that our current leaders are too chicken to try.

"uninhabitable by humans." psssh. please. just because regaining natural balance takes time doesn't mean we can't speed things up a little. after all, this is the country of fast food!

everyone go out and have a wonderful friday. and, if at all possible, try to whip up some snow for me.

thanks.

woot-offs, prison, this post's got it all!

2006-12-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

huh? what? oh, i gotta post?

sorry, reeds. i'm a little discombobulated since there's a woot-off!!

you don't know what a woot-off is?

well, the wonderful site woot.com usually only sells one item a day. that's right, it sells just one item until the stock of that item runs out, or until 1am EST, then another item goes up.

example: woot.com may sell a specific GPS system, and they may have 1,200 GPS systems available to sell. so, once all 1,200 units of the one specific GPS system sell, the item is deemed "sold out!" and anxious woot-a-holics wait until the next "woot" goes up. even if 1am EST rolls around and they never sold all 1,200 units, they'll still put up a new woot.

"ok, so what's a woot-off?"

a woot-off is when woot.com sells all available units of a specific item until the units run out; but once they run out, instead of waiting until 1am EST to put another one up, they put up another item immediately!

so since the prices are often super-cheap, and the next item is a mystery, people like myself and adam-reed sit at the edge of our computer chairs and await the next woot.

plus, you never know how long the woot-off will last. and you don't want to miss a bag of crap!

"what's that?!?"

too much to explain. go here to find out everything there is to know about the glorious bag of crap.

ok, so it's thursday, december 7th, and it's time for your favorite part of the day: the brand new tiny damaged notions!

all this talk of wooting just put me in the mood for the holidays. giving and receiving gifts is the best part of december. way better than the bitter cold.

remember that feeling of happiness you'd get when you imagined what presents your parents may have gotten you? i know i got to stare at them wrapped underneath the christmas tree. i'd examine the shape, determine the possibilities, and want, so badly to open them.

but, call me lame, i always waited until christmas morning. it always made it all the better. "sneaking a peek" was never as desired, since i'd have to wait to receive the gift anyway. i just enjoyed not knowing for certain until i could use it.

of course, my strong willpower is why i applauded the mother in this article:

A 12-year-old boy in Rock Hill, South Carolina, just couldn't wait for Santa to deliver presents this year. According to the local paper, the child unwrapped and opened a present containing a new Game Boy Advance this past weekend--fully three weeks before Christmas. When the young boy's mother found out, she called the police and told them to arrest her son. The boy at first denied all knowledge of the missing portable but later returned it to his mother after she threatened to call authorities. The mother then called the police anyway, and when they arrived at her home, the boy was arrested and taken to the local police station.
(gamespot.com, "http://www.gamespot.com/news/6162775.html")

that's right. a mother had her son arrested for opening a present three weeks before christmas.

and honestly, reeds, who among us can really argue that this was not the best thing to do? fluffius maximus himself gave his own son a life sentence for just looking at a brush. this, in comparison, seems light!

apparently the kid was charged with petty larceny. i guess they can't detain you for "ruining christmas" anymore like they used to be able to. thanks a lot, democrats!

and the mom isn't backing down. she, like fluffius maximus, knows the actions taken were the right choices.

The mother defended her actions, telling the paper she had her son arrested because she was trying to help her son, who she said has a history of behavioral problems, including a previous arrest for disorderly conduct.
(gamespot.com, "http://www.gamespot.com/news/6162775.html")

see? so he needed to be arrested. why bother parenting when the police can take care of that for you?

done deal.

adam-reed, my fellow woot-off watcher, just said this to me:

i hope tdn reflects the misery that the wootoff brings upon the geek population

misery?

i hadn't thought about that, but it's true--there is a dark side to woot-offs. a side that beelzetub himself may have his oily hand in:
now that's a great picture of beelzetub if i ever saw one.

i'm going to let adam-reed explain the dark side of a woot-off:

let's see. first there is the curiosity and wonder of the products put on the page. It's all harmless until a few hours into the woot-off when a "woot-off killer" appears. You check out the forums at this point to see if you can find some entertainment but all you find is people crying about how the product will never sell.

Then begins the frustration and you find yourself hitting f5 like a maniac hoping that the inventory left bar has decreased by a pixel. The frustration soon completely takes over and you start considering buying the useless product just to get past the "woot off killer." Soon after that stage you consider buying 3 because you feel that there is no way in hell they well sell out.

Once the "woot-off killer" is sold out, you rejoice (unless you bought three, then you feel used) and you watch the woots go by and hide yourself from the rest of the world so they don't disrupt your woot-off groove. Soon you will realize it's 6am and you haven't eaten, slept, showered, gotten up to use the bathroom, or done any necessary life sustaining activities; and you think about how the woot-off really hurts and how you can't break away.

Then comes the shocker as you remember that woot-offs often last 48 hours or so. Your will to live starts to diminish, all you want at this point is a Bag of Crap (BoC) and you'd be able to go to sleep.

Once the bag of crap comes is the worst though. Your heartbeat escalates, you feel the pressure and the NEED to get the BoC. You get terribly nervous when you can't get the page to load--and it gets even worse if you ever get to the checkout screen, because you're so close.

After a few hundred server time-outs thrown at you, there is no choice but to either give up or hammer the server even harder. Load up 20 browser windows (or tabs if you're a total OCD freak) and start hammering the server to death but to no avail. Eventually the next product shows up and you feel utterly destroyed.

At this point you start contemplating the relationship you have with Woot and especially the Woot-off. you want to end it because all it does is disappoint you and take your money by selling you things you would normally not even think about buying. About this time you've been up for 30 or so hours and you just want either the woot-off or your life to end (preferably life because you didn't get the BoC). For the last hours of the woot-off you just hate yourself for not being able to get a BoC and this self-loathing will stay with you for weeks.

So if you're going to join in the woot-off, don't kill yourself, and buy 3 of these roombas because they're killing the woot-off and they're amazing!!!!!!!

and there you have it, reeds. the dark side of wooting. it's like drugs: tasty to the user, but deadly to--well, i guess the user still.

i'm off. you be careful with this whole woot-off. woot responsibly, and remember: if you're gonna open your holiday gifts early, cover your tracks.

or else!

have a great thursday everyone. woot!

my dress can hold its weight in trans-fat!

2006-12-06T08:48:00.000-05:00

good morning, reeds! today is wednesday, december 6th, and welcome to your 40th installment of tiny damaged notions!

wow, 40 posts. with the amount of time each post takes, that's gotta be well over 3 straight days of me typing these out if you add it up.

who's the bigger loser: me for putting these out, or you for reading them?!?

let's see. 3-5 minutes to read, 2-3 hours to create.

yeah, that'd be me.

so, our straight-laced friends at the independent
recently made a fascinating report.

yesterday, the only true audrey hepburn fan paid an understandable £467,200 ($917,238.70) for the actress' breakfast at tiffany's dress. so all you posers should commence throwing out your DVDs, quiting the fan club, and start being ashamed of yourselves.

you are not true fans.

don't know what the dress looks like? well, you should be even more ashamed of yourself than you previously were--if that's at all possible.
there, that's the dress that's clearly worth nearly 1 million dollars.

and who is the only true fan of audrey hepburn?

the eye-watering sum paid by an anonymous fan at auction [sic] yesterday for the very dress responsible for establishing the "Hepburn look".
(the independent, "http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article2042967.ece")

first things first: "at [an] auction" is missing a word, i know; and the period outside of the quotation marks is only acceptable because the article was written in the UK, where that is the proper way to deal with the two punctuation marks--unlike in the US where commas and periods go inside of quotation marks.

with that out of the way, we can get to the reason why i borrowed that snippet from the independent, the fan is "an anonymous fan."

now, why would the one true audrey hepburn fan--the one willing to pay $917,238.70 for her dress--keep him or herself anonymous? why not shout to the world "LOOK, WORLD! I'VE GOT AUDREY HEPBURN'S DRESS FROM 'BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S'! EAT IT!!!"?

maybe the final resting place for this dress will be in the closet of, or in the wardrobe of, a perverted man who needs to constantly smell the dress, wear the dress, and notify himself that he is pretty. maybe he'll even re-enact scenes from the movie. i hope he does my favorite dialogue:

Holly Golightly: Thursday! It can't be! It's too gruesome!
Paul Varjak: What's so gruesome about Thursday?
Holly Golightly: Nothing, except I can never remember when it's coming up.

oh, the delight which builds inside of me every time i hear those lines. it's like an orgasm of whimsy!

and it's especially poignant today, as tomorrow is thursday. so all you fans should send an e-mail to "webmaster[at]audreyhepburn[dot]com" every wednesday morning as a reminder. i've been doing that for years, and even though they've banned my e-mail address from contacting them, i feel better inside knowing i've tried my best to keep breakfast at tiffany's alive in everyone's hearts.

and inbox.

in non audrey hepburn related news (which i call "unimportant news") read this headline from theage.com.au:
now, at first i, like many of you, had no idea what the hell they were talking about.

then i thought: oh no, they can't be planning on getting rid of beelzetub! the lower-east side's most evil oil drum!
pictured here making various evil plans in the sunlight.

but then, i finally read the article, and it's just about how new york city will begin to use a substitute for artificial partially hydrogenated oils--which contain trans fat--starting in july 2007.

yeah, apparently it's the first city in the US to impose a ban on oils containing trans fat. there you go again, NYC, always being the innovator which everyone copies.

so all you new york city residents better pack in all the pizza and restaurant visits now if you want to keep killing yourself with these so-called "evil oils"!

but rest assured, beelzetub will be alright.

ok, reeds, that's all i've got today. you go out and have a terrific wednesday. go on, blow a million dollars on a dress, drink some artificial partially hydrogenated oils straight from the bottle--live it up a little!

i'll be back tomorrow. for now, this is your TDN host saying: goodbye, goodluck, and thursday?! fohgettaboutit!

i met my wife on the satellite

2006-12-05T16:10:00.000-05:00

good evening! i'm over adam-reed's house, and from here i give you your daily installment of tiny damaged notions!

keeping our chins up and staring into the heavens, let's talk about that big ol' satellite of ours.

i mean of course, the moon.

check out this news-blurb! (nurb?):

boom! we're going back to the moon!

not only that, but read the fine print (sometimes called "the article"): we're gonna stay there.

you hear that, hawking! NASA loves you.

but you may be asking yourselves "why? why are we building a home on the moon?"

well, jerk, why not? you don't want to be cool and live on the moon? you know how many space-chicks you'll get with some real estate on the moon?

hear that moon-ladies? NASA's best and brightest are coming for ya.

see, this is exactly why we need to double our expenses and danger: just in case there are moon women who need human love.

but heartless experts disagree. read what those dorks have got to say:

Given the price tag, the danger, and the all-out technical hurdles of sending people to the Moon, not to mention building a long-term home on the closest rock to the Earth, some experts have claimed that manned lunar flights are more quixotic than scientifically sound. Instead, they suggest that robots and unmanned flights can do most of what humans can at half the cost (or less).
(yahoo! news, "http://news.yahoo.com/s/nf/20061205/tc_nf/48523")

robots?! now you want to give human jobs to robots??

listen up right wing conservatives: here's your new scapegoat. robots.

these metal bastards are gonna go take our astronaut jobs and rob sexy scientists of their space-ladies.

why, i'm so angry i could, i could--i could end the post right now!

in fact, i think i will. yeah. out of anger, not hunger.

you keep it real, reeds. i'll see you on the flip-side of a sting. go out with your star-net and catch me a stellar babe.

(pun!)

let's go out beyond the moon!

2006-12-04T00:47:00.000-05:00

date: december 4, 2006
starting post time: 8:19am
greeting: welcome to a brand new installment of tiny damaged notions

good morning, reeds! it's [date] at the early hour of [starting post time], and [greeting]!

is it just me, or is anyone else just bored of earth? i mean, come on already. everyday it's the same planet filled with violence, pollution, and a degrading environment due to our own neglect.

isn't it time we bring these ol' fashioned human qualities to another planet?

theoretical physicist stephen hawking sure thinks so. in a radio interview with the BBC, hawking stated that abandoning earth is inevitable, since some kind of nuclear war or an asteroid of some sort could make this planet o' ours a not-so-viable place to live.

hmm, makes sense. and colonizing a new planet sounds pretty fun, doesn't it? but forbes.com, or the fat-ass cloud as i like to call it, decided to rain all over mr. hawking's parade:

if humans have any hope of reaching hospitable planets in other solar systems using the rocket technology that took us to the moon, it'll take, oh, around 50,000 years.
(forbes.com, "http://www.forbes.com/2006/12/03/hawking-planets-space-face-cx_po_1201autofacescan01.html")

fine, forbes. if you want to be a pessimistic-pedro, then you can stay on earth. how does that sound? you and the top 100 hottest movie stars, musicians, and athletes can create your own talented and sexy society.
at least with mel gibson still back on earth, you guys won't have to worry about losing any of that irrational bigotry that this planet has become known for.

Fucking Jews...The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.
- Mel Gibson, on the night of his DUI arrest

mmmm, classy.

but back to hawking: he's got a plan.

"a plan for what? i forgot what we were talking about."

a plan for leaving earth, remember? he says it's necessary.

"ohhh, right. so, what's his plan?"

well, according to the fat-ass cloud,

Though it's scientifically impossible for anything to travel faster than the speed of light, Hawking believes people could eventually go just under that speed using a process known as called matter-antimatter annihilation
(forbes.com, "http://www.forbes.com/2006/12/03/hawking-planets-space-face-cx_po_1201autofacescan01.html")

"matter-antimatter annihilation"?

sounds like a safe way to travel.

forbes had more to say about this whole space emigration shindig:

Star Trek aficionados will be well aware that ships such as the Enterprise are propelled using antimatter, a process which is still unworkable in reality though has for years been investigated by NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center.
(forbes.com, "http://www.forbes.com/2006/12/03/hawking-planets-space-face-cx_po_1201autofacescan01.html")

way to show your nerd side, forbes.

star trek aficionados will also be well aware that even though mccoy, on stardate 4770.3, spoke of "the things love can drive a man to--the ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories," love is still a process unworkable in reality for trekkies--though has for years been investigated through conventions and, for lust, pornography.

i kid. i kid, because i too am a dork.

i sit saddened by the fact that looney tunes shorts which appeared in theaters from the 1930s to 1969--the same favorites you may remember from its syndicated television appearances during your childhood--are no longer shown on TV for the most part due to them being deemed "politically incorrect."

i sit anxiously awaiting the new season of futurama.

i sit, with you.

but not if you're watching star trek. that show sucks.

ending post time: 12:47pm
concluding statement: take the safety off your day and fire some fun into the air

that's all for me, reeds. it's [ending post time], and i'm off to get some work done. [concluding statement]!

but how can i, the reader, improve TDN?

2006-12-02T12:51:00.000-05:00

hello, reeds, and welcome to "how to get a funnier, higher quality tiny damaged notions post!"

this easy 5-step program will guide you to obtaining higher quality TDN installments.

step 1
the first step is to examine your wallet. you may be a smart individual and have a tri-fold, or a caveman with a bi-fold, or even a lady with a larger, more elegantly designed wallet. there is no discrimination in tiny damaged notions. all wallets are created equal. just take it out, and give it a good stare.

step 2
the value of your wallet lies in the value of what's inside your wallet. look at all the legal US currency you have inside. once you do this, you're ready for the next step.

step 3
this step involves giving me all that money in your wallet. believe me, i'll be happy to receive it. just look how disheveled i look! yes, valuable US currency does help create a higher-quality TDN post. and why, you ask? well, look no further than step 4.

step 4
money = funny, and by quitting my job and living off the money i will be receiving from all of you, i will be able to post detailed, humorous, and worthwhile installments of tiny damaged notions every day! remember what life was like when i had more time to develop these daily tidbits of joy? well, now you can forget that memory and make it a constant event in the present by simply following steps 1 through 3.

but wait, there's more!

step 5
after giving me all your money, your wallet will probably look mighty empty.

well, that's where your income comes in handy! before you know it, you'll be back at step 2 again--with a wallet full of cash; and i will be, of course, patiently awaiting step 3.

see, reeds? that's it! that's the key to success! now, let's make that happen together, shall we?

have a wonderful day, everyone. and remember, with only 5 easy steps this could have been funnier!

(this post made possible by the learn-a-little saturday foundation for getting more money to tiny damaged notions)

i got no PR, i got tomatoes!

2006-12-01T15:45:00.000-05:00

good evening, reeds! it's the first of december, and i'm ringing in the new month by disappointing everyone!

i can't keep typing, there is much work waiting for me (and a concert to attend). i'll keep this brief, and then try to add more later, or possibly early in the morning. i mean real early, like 2am.

but, onwards towards more explanations!

so, last night i posted a second installment of TDN--this time while drunk.

in this post, there were certain usual characteristics of my inebriated behavior:

1. i both entered and exited topics without any concern for segues or conclusions.

2. i cursed a bit while i was joking around--most notably saying:
we're all adults so i can say "titty fuck poopy shit fuck face"
3. i posted a cute picture of a bunny.

if i had a PR rep, i'm sure he or she would notify me that what i had just done was a bad move.

however, i don't have one (hooray!), so i am not shackled by the confines of maintaining a public image--or paying a representative to do so for me.

eat it, tom cruise!

i know, i know. it's wiki-licious friday, and i know, it's part II of la tomatina. but i don't have time!

what can i do? think, quick. ummm.

wait, i forgot that part II is short!

yeah. that's it.

how do those crazy tomato fighters get clean? well, i'm glad you asked!

The cleaning process involves the use of fire trucks to spray down the streets, with water provided from a Roman aqueduct. People find water to wash themselves, most likely at the Buñol River.
(wikipedia.com, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomatina")

see? informative!

wait, why don't they know where people wash themselves? this festival goes on every year. not one person who wrote the article on la tomatina for wikipedia has ever been to the festival?

or is it that by "most likely" they were implying that choosing the river is the best of plans, and that each person will most likely take a dip after they mull over the list of where they can clean themselves off.

"let's see, i could shower. but then there's the dog--he's probably hungry. but i'm covered with tomato, it's even down my pants. he'd have to lick my--hey, wait! the river!"

for now, that's all i can offer. check every minute, reeds! i may update when you least expect it ::wink, wink::

have a fantastic friday full of fabulous fun.

i'm dedicated & drunk. what a duo!

2006-11-30T23:03:00.000-05:00

record-reed says:

Your commitment to TDN is waning. Unacceptable. You're musings are the only thing making my otherwise dreary life worth living.

Do you want to kill me, Mike?! Is that it!? FINE!!

::Dies::

I hope you're happy. I'm too dead to feel anything right now. Bastard.

oh, so my commitment is waning eh? well how's about this:

i've got 4 drinks coursing through my veins, and i haven't had enough food to make me feel any less than drunk, and i'm still posting.

eat it, record!

but no, he brings up a good point; it has seemed like my commitment is waning.

but it isn't, i assure you, reeds. it's just that my schedule lately hasn't allowed me large posts every day.

do i sound eloquent? i sure hope so. i feel like i've written enough essays that my brain can think as if i were writing one, even though my inhibitions have been lessened due to alcohol. that usually means eloquence gets thrown to the curb, but alas! i have that with as much vigor as i have my chastity and my ability to desire sleep!

so this post is wacky!

kristen-reed writes (via-IM):

i fucking hate them

i respond

you hate no one but bad vibes and anchovies

as i wait for her response, i'll talk.

so, danny devito was drunk on the view. he's probably drunk right now, if he's anything like me. but barbara walters didn't like that.

WHORE! why don't you embrace the fact that danny devs hangs out with the sexiest man alive (george clooney)?? i'd let danny devito be totally wasted on heroin on my show if he were shooting up with a hottie. so shut your mouth!

she apparently has though. she replied:

Despite DeVito's booze-fueled antics, Walters said she would not hesitate to have him back on the show.

kind of like how kristen-reed responded to my inebriated-inquires with

you haven't asked me anything lol. you are crazy when you drink and you are not SLEEPING!

i'll show you sleeping!

i'll show you so many Zzz's that i'll be shitting them out for a week!

that's a lot of profanity. if you don't like it, well, too bad. we're all adults so i can say "titty fuck poopy shit fuck face" and you can't do a thing about it.

way to go, adult-person. you made me curse on the blog that i haven't yet cursed on.

"wait, you cursed out TRU yesterday!"

oh yeah. since it's nothing new, i may as well keep it in. like how i'll keep my desire to sleep inside of me instead of allowing myself more than six hours before i go to work. i don't really mind work anyway, though; so i can't complain.

damn my very nice boss & co-workers for not making me mind going to work. damn them!

alright, i'm off, reeds. just know that i'm committed to this blog. as much as i can post, i will.

look how cute this guy is:

have a good night, everyone. i'm off to bedsville, pop: me.

only time for danny

2006-11-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

why, hello there! it's thursday, november 30th, and welcome to the last tiny damaged notions post of november!

i wish i had something special for you guys, but instead i only have this notice:

i don't have much time!

so this is the post.

danny devito was drunk on the view. here's a link to check it out.

have a great thursday, reeds! i'm off.

fluffius maximus discusses his borst job ever!

2006-11-29T11:00:00.000-05:00

lookout, it's an over-fluffed bunny!
from now on he will be known as fluffius maximus, and he will be a mascot for tiny damaged notions.

notice how i used the indefinite article "a" rather than the definite article "the"? that means there's room for more! suggest other mascots & names for said mascots. if i likes em, i'll keeps em.

but, enough of that. it's wednesday, november 29th. take out those landing wheels because you're about to smooth your way into tiny damaged notions country!

naqi-reed has posted a comment that is interesting if true, and creative if false; but either way worth reading:

wal-mart hiring policy has always been uber-progressive. e.g. you will find yourself wandering in the back by "layaway", thinking about all the things you can lay-away, and before you know it, you will have stumbled into a training session, and then they think that you are supposed to be there, they give you your own cash register, and then they start paying you until you quit two weeks later. it was probably the best-worst [or borst] first job of my life that i didn't even want.

that does sound like a good example of a borst first job. my first job involved getting paid minimum wage to pack cosmetics into cases on an assembly line with a bunch of elderly women who would yell "BREAAAAAK!" at the top of their lungs whenever it was within 10 minutes of a designated break time.

the borst breakdown would be such:
worst: read that job description.
best: i listened to my milo goes to college tape on the way to and from work everyday.

my second job, which may be defined as the borst job i've held (since it mostly contains "worst") was at this place:
do you notice the way that glowing red underline extends past the building? i asked the assistant manager of my toys r us (TRU) location, and this is a summary of our conversation:

me: why does the red underline go further out past the storefront décor?
manager: to give it a 3D effect!
me: but it's a building.
manager: yeah.
me: it's already in 3D. it's a real life object.
manager: it's there to give it a 3D effect.

put that on repeat for about 2 minutes with increased frustration from myself (and take out a bit of the eloquence i've retrospectively given my speech), and you've got yourself a typical way i interacted with TRU ideology:

not well.

i spent my life from 2001-2002 and 2003-2005 employed by this big ol' toy store where the fun never stops (because you have to start in order to stop).

here's a blogger's response who experienced what life was like in the London TRU:

Although I find Toys R Us to be slightly cheaper for some toys than other toy stores, I find their customer service appalling. They will not let you return purchases without a receipt, and they stand by this.
(Groovee, "http://www.ciao.co.uk/Toys_R_Us_Shop__Review_5366080")

not my old store, groovee. we had a "policy" about receipts as you state, but if you bitched your little head off, you can get anything you want! that's the dirty little secret of any retail store: we all want you to shut the hell up and get out of our damn face! because i don't believe there was a single employee in that store who had a degree in psychoanalysis or grief counseling, therefore i don't think anyone particularly cared that you didn't get your way.

i know i wasn't getting my way. i was staying past midnight to clean your mess. so step aboard the disappointment train.

here's a quick rule: if you're nice, a store's employee will be nice back unless they are a prick. some people are, you can't help it. but it pays just to be nice since 99% of the people will be kind back.

if you're an asshole, well, expect snappy treatment back, because you're demanding stuff from people who have to clean up your mess all day. it's not my fault that you don't have a receipt, but it has become my fault that you told little timmy to "just leave [that toy he picked up from another area of the store] there!" and proceeded to throw it down in the wrong area.

thanks! i honestly couldn't wait to stay here until tomorrow cleaning your garbage.

here's more from groovee's experience:

Their staff.....[sic] all vary. Some seem to be very young and don't have any knowledge to help you. Some just seem completely thick and others are fantastic. I once asked for a certain toy which I knew my friend had bought there. I of course asked the thickest member of staff around who walked me round the store laughing, didn't make any attempt to find it and then left me there. He wasn't laughing when I demanded to speak to the manager and made a complaint.

that last line there sends me back. oh, how it sends me back.

i honestly laughed MORE when people asked to see a manager, since then it was out of my hands. so i didn't have to deal with complaining.

now, it seems like you, groovee, found yourself one of those "prick" type employees i mentioned earlier. if you were shopping during the season, chances are they were inexperienced and didn't honestly care. although this person may also be insane, since you say they were cackling to themselves while walking around the store.

if they are insane, that's tragic. however, if they're faking it, that's brilliant. i would often walk around my store staring at my hand, repeatedly saying (out loud) "45, 54, 63, 72, 81" and open my eyes as wide as i could only to never blink.

why did i do this? who the hell would want to ask that guy for help? most people didn't, because they thought i was weird or crazy. and i could care less what they think of me. the important part is that i didn't have to help.

"well, why is helping me so damn hard?!? that's your job!"

true, but anyone enveloped by an overwhelmingly stressful situation begins to perform certain actions which help reduce the stress of said situation. the only governor that counts once starred in a movie about the stress of a toy store during the holiday season:
the fact that a major motion picture was made on this topic means that this situation is one that ordinary citizens of the united states are expected to know and/or understand: gifts for children can be difficult to acquire during december due to the high demand for specific items and the high volume of customers in a store who want the item.

employees are the ones that most people looking for specific items to purchase go towards in order to maximize the efficiency of their personal shopping experience.

"do you have anymore 'shake me, dance me, elmo's in stock?"

what many shoppers tend not to realize, even though they know the demand is high, is that this particular item may already be sold out, and also that any or all employees working in that toy store may have already been asked this question several hundred times during the day.

"no, sorry, sir. we sold out of the elmos at around 11am this morning."

frustrated, many shoppers tend to vent towards the employee. sometimes specific personality types tend to express their frustration by talking down to the store, and using the employee as a catch-all representation of the store.

"how could you be out of it?? it's only two in the afternoon! can you check the back-room?"

while this conversation is taking place, most customers also neglect to see the many other customers already gathered around this helpless employee who already knows there is nothing in the back-room, but can read in your eyes that you want him to check regardless, because someone may have accidentally eaten a box in the morning and has now defecated the undigested and still-in-tact elmos in the back. and those people gathering around the employee like vultures towards the deceased have similar questions for the employee:

"when you're done with him, can you get something for me that's stocked above the top shelf?"

"excuse me, do you have any more micro-machines, or is it just what's out there?"

"i can't find the 'my little pony' section. can you walk me there?"

no matter who you are, your honest desire to help people becomes crushed under the non-stop barrage of questions. you feel pressured and stressed. you tell everyone you'll be with them in a minute, and you frantically run towards the back-room to get a free minute to think, to figure out whom to help next and how to help them, to imagine how glorious sleep will be when you get home at 3:30am, and to possibly listen to a back-room worker complain while you complain right back.

on your way to the back, you will probably get stopped by many other people who have many similar questions; and since these people don't fully know how many people you promised to help at the current moment, they, stressed from being in the store as well, will demand satisfaction.

so what can you do?

whip out that hand, and recite some numbers divisible by nine while never blinking.

worked almost every time.

and that's your daily tiny damaged notions! topped with a whole lot of sarcasm-fudge and insight-sprinkles.

don't forget to post mascots! (chris-reed, i know you're on it)

who's your mentor, and does she wear underwear?

2006-11-28T10:36:00.000-05:00

hot diggity-damn, it's tuesday! it's november 28th! and, as one would rightfully assume, it's a new tiny damaged notions!

first order of business: i would like to address an issue that chontel-reed spoke about here, and gabby-reed brought to my attention in a non-linkable area: they say that TDN is not the fourth thing up on google!

well, they're right (gasp!), but only if you don't put quotation marks. i neglected to mention that i had put these little punctuation rascals around "tiny damaged notions" because i forgot that people search the web doing otherwise. rather than get into a debate about the advantages of this search style, i'll just label this folly as my mistake. so, in the future, if you've ever forgotten the link, be sure to add these guys: " "

i digress. onwards towards topical topic number two!

now that commercialization has forced the holiday season upon us already, it's time we all started thinking about what we want as gifts for the upcoming holidays we may celebrate.

at my age, practical things like socks and underwear isn't frowned upon, but rather appreciated. when i was a kid, i hated getting any form of clothing--i wanted toys. eventually, most of us mature and start buying our own toys, often looking towards a loved one, or mom and dad, for those practical things to stock up on.

some of us, however, always rebel against acquiring these items. an example is the recently divorced britney spears, who is protesting the whole "underwear idea" in a subtle, yet powerful way:

On Nov. 22, cameras caught Spears, the recently separated pop star and mother of two, in a leopard-print minidress so short it revealed her underwear. Two days later, Spears was photographed getting out of a car in a hiked-up miniskirt. This time, her underwear was nowhere to be found.
(abc news, "http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=2681885&page=1")

notice that it was on black friday--the commercial start of christmas--that spears decided to ditch the underwear.

she's got a classy way of protesting.

but for all the applause which she deserves for taking a stand slowly and without underwear, i for one just can't picture spears as a ringleader. who's chief of this operation?

[paris hilton's representative, elliott] Mintz says that the 24-year-old Spears "looks up to" the 25-year-old Paris and that she's "extremely grateful" that Paris has taken her under her wing.
(tmz.com, "http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/27/britney-paris-is-my-role-model/")

aha! i should have known!

the ringleader of this underwearless, flashing, cleavage-exposing, no-bra-wearing, lack-of-moral brigade is none other than time magazine's "smartest person to ever exist and which will ever exist," paris hilton!

now, normally this blog contains pictures. to keep TDN relatively clean though, i refrained from posting any. you guys can either search google (i almost used it as a verb!) yourselves, or use your imagination--but i'm not lying: they're really friends.

and what better person to be your role model? i don't see mahatma gandhi being given a key to las vegas, and a day named in his honor (what?)

and did anyone ever stop to think that maybe this dynamic duo of debauchery is just what america needs right now? i mean, for years lonely boys across this country have searched the internet for "britney spears naked" (both with and without quotations marks) and been given a fat slice of disappointment-pie with only badly photoshopped images. now that britney's on the paris hilton fast & easy (pun) track to success, you can get all the perverse images you want of her exiting a car with her genitalia as overexposed as her musical career.

so let's hear it for america's new elegant sweethearts!
(who ever said that leopard print is tacky?)

in another quick celeb blurb, guess what i found out thanks to thebosh.com?
jake gyllenhaal? DAMMIT! you reeds were supposed to use your powers of persuasion to show reese how awesome it would be to be with me!

i'll forgive you if you simply land me in the leading role of their new picture rendition. maybe then i can show her how chic and sexy i am.

alright reeds, get to making that happen. i'm off to do a bunch of crazy stuff like eat and shop for a tie (living it up!). have a fantastic tuesday night, everyone! and remember that when exiting TDN, underwear is optional.

wal-mart's such a ham!

2006-11-27T09:53:00.000-05:00

wow, where have i been?

good morning, reeds! it's monday, november 27th, and welcome to your long overdue installment of tiny damaged notions!

so, let me explain a bit:

i love this blog. it's a lot of fun for me to do, and i appreciate all the love it gets from everyone. sometimes, however, i'll have a busy day, or a couple packed-out days in a row, and then my posting becomes, well, irregular. as you've seen, sometimes i post late, or don't post much (or, in the case of this weekend, at all).

the reason is that this little blog takes a good long while to prepare. i know its sexy ultra-readable format would probably make it seem as though these babies flow directly out of me stream-of-consciousness style, but they, in fact, take a good 2-3 hours each. maybe that's just me being edit-happy, or over-enthusiastic about the finished product, but either way it's usually a process i love being a part of.

friday's post was short, and it was supposed to be a part I. i'll save part II for this friday since i never ended up posting this weekend. i've been debating weekend posts. they may become occasional, or perhaps not exist at all. this weekend, i can say, that i probably won't be able to post. it seems most of you reeds enjoy this during the week (although a few had asked me where the posts were yesterday), so i don't think this should be that much of a loss. although, i know TDN makes up a good portion of your life, so any loss is a substantial one!

ok? well, i'm glad that's all settled. now without further ado: let's talk about crap!

so, i know most of you were probably so distraught from the lack of tiny damaged notions in your life, that you probably didn't even notice it was ::drumroll:: ::cue evil sounding orchestral hits:: the busiest shopping weekend of the year!!!

i've got news from the source with the biggest peacock:

Millions of Americans hit the shops over the weekend, spending more than last year, as the Christmas rush kicked off after Thanksgiving, but a fall in sales at Wal-Mart raised concerns about the strength of retail.
(msnbc, "http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15918962/")

hmmmm. so americans spent more money shopping this year, but since wal-mart didn't have strong sales, that means we should question retail?

yes! of course it means we should question retail! wal-mart's november sales were down by 0.1% on the same month last year!

wow, 0.1% down. that's like winning $100 but losing a dime. i know i'd be pissed.

did someone say "ham"?

no, no one sa...

well, honeybakedfoods inc. is recalling a lot of potentially tainted ham.

"tainted with what?"

listeria: which can cause nausea, headaches, diarrhea, and fever. not to be confused with its vocab-cousin "hysteria," which can cause dance fever, and a diarrhea of good times.

honeybakedfoods inc. wants you gumshoes to be on the lookout for the following codes:

Ham codes - 6261 to 6310 (including all numbers in between)
Glazed Turkey Breast codes - 6248 to 6258 (including all numbers in between)

deli-meat has codes?

anyways, getting back to wal-mart, the american family association (AFA) had decided to boycott wal-mart due to the company's "aggressively pro-homosexual agenda."

aggressively pro-homosexual agenda? that would explain their odd application:
riight. i was wondering what that was all about when i applied to be one of their drones.

apparently, the AFA not only holds the loving opinion that homosexuality is evil, but they claim that the 0.1% drop in sales was their doing:

Could this be a result of the threatened boycott of Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club (which is owned by Wal-Mart) stores by hundreds of thousands of Christians mobilized by the American Family Association...Apparently so. After the boycott announcement went out, even before the date of the planned boycott, sales dropped enough for Wal-Mart to reverse its Pro-Homosexual position...In response, the AFA withdrew its request for a boycott.
(webcommentary.com, "http://www.webcommentary.com/asp/ShowArticle.asp?id=barrettt&date=061127")

"reverse its pro-homosexual position."

why, that sounds dirty, AFA.

what they were referring to that stopped their massive organization from causing wal-mart to lose more dimes was an official statement wal-mart made in regards to their aggressive pro-gay agenda:

Wal-Mart will not make corporate contributions to support or oppose highly controversial issues unless they directly relate to our ability to serve our customers.
(walmartfacts.com, "http://www.walmartfacts.com/articles/4617.aspx")

this means that wal-mart won't sell anything pro-gay (unless there is a large percentage of homosexual shoppers in a specific area where the AFA doesn't dare to go).

wal-mart also went on to say that they don't have a stance on gay marriage, but they value diversity amongst their employees, and are against discrimination everywhere.

way to cover all your bases, wal-mart. you're like a victorian woman--insomuch as we're barely able to tell what you look like beneath your thick, protective layers of corporate bullshit.

good luck with that 0.1% loss. try not to mortgage park-place yet. i think "go" is right around the corner.

well, i'm spent. all you reeds have a wonderful monday! go out and bust some gates, black friday style:

part I: tomatina!

2006-11-24T15:29:00.000-05:00

happy post-thanksgiving, reeds! it's friday (woo!), november 24th, and welcome to a craaaaazzy installment of tiny damaged notions!

what makes it so craaaaazzy? it's wiki-licious friday!

but i don't have much time. so, i'll try my best to conjoin minimalism and funny

today's topic comes from brittany-reed:

If you don't have any other topics lined up, you should write about "La Tomatina," the large annual tomato fight in Spain - because I'm obsessed with it. And, it has a wikipedia page, I've already checked.

well, thanks for doing half the work for me!
(all information below: "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Tomatina")

the glorious and all-knowing wikipedia tells us "La Tomatina is a festival held on a Wednesday towards the end of August in the town of Buñol in the Valencia region in Spain."

buñol, eh? here's what wikipedia had to say about that place:
wow. how exciting.

so, basically an assload (tens of thousands) of participants come from all over the world to battle in the streets with more than one hundred metric tons of over-ripe tomatoes.

check it out:
you think that's dirty? well, at around 11am the first event of tomatina begins, where "A ham is placed upon a cockaigne pole."

a cockaigne pole? what's that, wikipedia?

a large, greased pole

oh.

::snicker, snicker::

ok, ok. back to the point. i don't have much time.

ummm, so while this giant tomato battle has been a strong tradition since 1944 or 1945, no one's really that sure how it got started. here's some possibilities:

include a local food fight among friends, a juvenile class war, a volley of tomatoes from bystanders at a carnival parade, a practical joke on a bad musician, the anarchic aftermath of an accidental lorry spillage

oh no, not LORRY SPILLAGE!!!

ack, i gotta go! you reeds have a great friday. sorry this post is lame. it'll spill over, and i'll finish tomorrow. get ready for part II!

gobble to the max!

2006-11-23T13:12:00.000-05:00

happy thanksgiving, all you american reeds!

hmmm.

"a national holiday where much food is provided to ease the tension of an extended family being brought together under one roof; also used to provide conversation in an otherwise awkwardly silent room."

that sounds better.

have a great holiday!

get out your ink wells, it's TDN!

2006-11-22T11:13:00.000-05:00

my home computer died yesterday, reeds. i'm looking at the hard drive right now, hoping i can salvage data.

my phone battery died about 20 minutes ago. its battery life is no more until i get home from work and charge it.

why does technology hate me?

well, that still won't stop me from giving you the wednesday, november 22nd, installment of tiny damaged notions!

katherine-reed sent me this creepy-crawlin' article from damninteresting.com:
our old friend danny double entendre is back! of course, this time, immaturely highlighted by yours truly.

apparently, these bugs are not only gross, but large too:

Adults commonly reach lengths of over thirty-five centimeters– the length of a man's forearm.
(damninteresting.com, "http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=605")

ew.

there's nothing particularly noteworthy in the rest of the article--unless you like gross bugs (chris-reed, i'm talking to you). if you'd like, you can check it out

("the world has many..." ::snicker, snicker::)

in much more important news, today i was the topic of my own narcissism when i searched google.com for "tiny damaged notions"; and look!

TDN is 4th! we're just out of bronze-range, reeds. but with your help, we can zoom up!

everyone type in "tiny damaged notions" onto google, and make sure to click on the link to TDN. if we get more hits than the mantis page showcasing the poster whose name we share, then we will be top dog.

and check it out, this blog is apparently so cool that google automatically has one of those sublinks to my post on the balls-of-gross. rockin' stuff.

from that last paragraph to this one, i left my job and came back home. i'm on a laptop. look at me go!

speaking of going, i am leaving. oh man, i know how to listen to verbs when they end sentences, don't i? yep. sure do.

sorry for the short post everyone, but i'm gonna go GET STUNG with adam- and sarah-reed. let's see what menu item she's got in store for me!

have a wonderful thanksgiving-eve, reeds. go make me proud and let's get our name up more on google!

down with grant, up with beowulf!

2006-11-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

hey, reeds! quick, let's get ulysses s. grant while he's not looking!
YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL, GRANT! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!?!

it's always so nice to get a good zing in. thanks, ben burgraff, for that topical delight.

oh, and it's tuesday, november 21st, and this is a brand-new installment of tiny damaged notions!

i'm in a silly mood. very tired. apologize for the lack of coherence. sentence structure failing.

dr. jam informed me that 4head studios is going to be making "beowulf - the video game." don't know what beowulf is? well, let me honestly say that you are missing out on the epic old english poem.

this thing's got it all: an archaic form of english unreadable to modern day speakers, old germanic tribes, a monster, the monster's mommy, a dragon, and a king named hroðgar. if you ask for more, you are selfish and never will receive the beauty of freawaru, nor will you slay your enemies with the naegling--it will break in combat because your might is too strong! and that's because you are selfish. you sicken me. sicken me like grendel when he attacked the heorot.

currently, there are two beowulf movies in various stages of production. one is being directed by robert zemeckis, who also did the back to the future trilogy. the other, titled beowulf and grendel, has a website which posts the latest news blurbs pertaining to the film, such as:
nothing like a good old fashioned double entendre. sounds like my latest movie review:

"foot job well done: happy feet scores big in the box office!"

speaking of sexy, check this out!
so, chimps like the mature lady-chimps, eh? how risqué.

you can always smell good reporting from a mile away: "Now that is certainly a thing that separates us from them and makes us superior." anyone or anything that wants to have sex with an older mate as opposed to a younger one is certainly deserving of a lower status on the earth's hierarchy-of-awesome. way to point that out, and make your older readers feel even less valuable to society, playfuls.com.

did all you reeds know that today is not only the day that historical-nobody voltaire was born, but also the day that influential and legendary (and mom of my celeb crush number 2) hollywood star goldie hawn was born?! wow!

happy birthday, you two! make sure to share the cake. i'm not buying another one.

today is also ratification day in north carolina. back in 1789, north carolina became the 12th state when it ratified the US constitution. way to go, NorCal. although my state ratified the constitution on july 26, 1788--over a year before you guys. so EAT IT!

here's an artist's depiction of that moment:
alright, reeds. that's all the time i have for today. you all have a super-amazing-to-the-max ratification day! go make your own caricature of ulysses s. grant. sounds like a great way to spend your tuesday!

remember to post your ideas for this wiki-licious friday!

it's not boring, it's just really dry wit!

2006-11-20T10:08:00.000-05:00

good evening, you reed-tastic individuals, and welcome to your monday, november 20th, installment of tiny damaged notions!

how's everyone feeling today?

if you didn't answer "patriotic," then maybe you should get the hell out of our country!

typo-pranksters reuters.com reported that an influential democratic lawmaker recently called for reinstatement of the draft "as a way to boost U.S. troop levels and draw a broader section of the population into the military or public service."

ahh, the draft. glad the democrats are using their power for good: e.g., by trying to top the high citizen-dissatisfaction levels the republicans had going.

the soon-to-be-popular charles rangel, who is also the incoming chairman of the house of representatives' tax-writing committee (wow, this guy knows how to pick popular platforms), is the one calling for the draft to once again imprison card-burning college students.

reuters.com took a break from typing "Queen Elizabeth" into all of its stories to report this unroyal excerpt:

Rangel, who opposed the 2003 invasion of Iraq, also said he did not think the United States would have invaded Iraq if the children of members of Congress were sent to fight. He has said the U.S. fighting force is comprised disproportionately of people from low-income families and minorities.

"I don't see how anyone can support the war and not support the draft. I think to do so is hypocritical," he said.
(reuters.com, "http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=politicsNews&storyID=2006-11-19T174004Z_01_N19349552_RTRUKOC_0_US-USA-POLITICS-DRAFT.xml&WTmodLoc=PolNewsHome_C1_%5BFeed%5D-8")

hmmm. let's have some fun, shall we?

our old friend eddie ellipsis can help us expose a well hidden contradiction:

Rangel, who opposed the 2003 invasion of Iraq...said..."I don't see how anyone can support the war and not support the draft."

but not supporting the war means keep the draft coming!

honestly though, it's like i always say: "if you don't like something that's going on, just make sure more innocent people die." always helps.

i really don't have much else. i'm pretty swamped at work, and tonight i'm going to see regina spektor. let's see what we can do.

ok, how about: news in one word! a segment where i post a bunch of headlines and, since i'm in a rush, sum it up in one word!

ok, ready?

GO!
typecast
logical
finally
home!

i'm off, reeds. go ahead, write slanderous comments to me about how i've been slacking lately. you'd be right. in the meantime, this is your captain wishing you goodnight, and good luck sailing to that moon!

a sneeze, some oj, and a couple typos

2006-11-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

goooood evening, muwahahahaha!

it is sunday, november 19th, and i just got back from some holiday shopping (hooray for holidays!). welcome to a brief sunday installment of tiny damaged notions!

"brief?"

many reeds do not even know i do this on weekends. so i figured i'd start out with expectations low, and then wow you all with an amazing post! (that last part is still in the works. keep your fingers crossed)

naqi-reed, who knows a thing or two about that whole medical field himself, responded to the sneezegasm issue presented a couple days prior:

i have a feeling that dr. rich is getting rich off of his rich descriptions of sneezegasms. in reality, his statement is not really an answer to anything. sneezing is *not* like an orgasm. different neuro pathways work for the two. BUT people have been known to sneeze in *response* to orgasms, so i guess therein lies the folly. [ladies, i'm not really this big a nerd in real life, i swear.]

i believe you, naqi; about the nerd thing that is. as for your science-loving answer of "different neuro pathways," well, i'll take your word for it. however, i do have one question for you then, mr. negative-pants: how come i find nothing more arousing than a well-crafted sneeze?

(is it getting creepy yet?)

and no, i'm not just "a weirdo with an extremely odd fetish," so don't even go there. why don't you go tell the pornographic publication "scarlet sneezegasms" that they're not related. hmmmm?!? see what they say!

(ok, now it's creepy)

in other news, people are apparently appalled by o.j. simpson's book "if i did it," which "hypothetically" describes the two brutal murders many believe him to be responsible for. there's an online petition, which i signed (being one of those appalled individuals) at a site called don'tpayoj.com. the sites asks its visitors to,

sign the petition below and let it be known that you do not, and will not, support any entity that assists and encourages a murderer to profit from his crimes. By signing the petition, you are sending a message to the people that are profiting themselves and who are helping a killer spew his verbal garbage and continue to disrespect the memories of Ron and Nicole and ALL victims of crime.
(Don'tPayOJ.com, "http://www.dontpayoj.com/index.php")

makes sense. don't support a murderer gaining profit from his crimes. check.

that means all you reeds should cancel your holiday orders of dingo boots too.

hey, check out what i found on google.com's news section!
it's a typo! hooray!

the word "typo" is used in informal speech, and is short for "typographical error." a typographical error is defined as:

an error in printed or typewritten matter resulting from striking the improper key of a keyboard, from mechanical failure, or the like.
(dictionary.com, "http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=typographical%20error")

thanks dictionary.com! you're the best.

now, i abhor typos due to the way they butcher language; however, at the same time, i find them funny! look at how cute that is: they forgot the space!

for your amusement, i went on a lengthy search for good typos, and thanks to metro.co.uk, i found this little bit of typo-fun:

A round of applause, then, to Reuters, who manged to take the typo to new levels today, with an online article about the genetics of honey bees which claimed that Queen Elizabeth lays up to 2,000 eggs a day. Somehow, every time they meant to refer to the queen bee, the phrase 'Queen Elizabeth' was substituted instead.
(metro.co.uk, "http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=22770&in_page_id=2")

amazing! and they even had a picture up. check it out:
wow, that's pretty good.

it can happen to anyone really:
i mean, microsoft word just has that tempting find/replace feature. who can truly resist its charm?!

alright, well that's all for today's TDN post. so i guess it wasn't that brief after all! i guess instead of disappointing everyone, i've just shown how big a liar i really am.

win some, lose some, i suppose.

have a wonder-tastic sunday, reeds! i'll see you bright and early for tomorrow's installment. gO m4K3 5Om3 7YpO5 phOR M3H

(and i don't really have a sneezing fetish. i swear!)

music loving smelly toads demand more shanklish!

2006-11-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

happy saturday, reeds! we've made it to the pinnacle of the weekend. the day of days. the merit of the month. the yodeler of the year.

but even though today, this november 18th, rocks harder than a bon jovi cover band on a mountain of rock candy
it comes bearing some sad news.

according to our old prim-and-proper news friends the independent, up and coming website myspace.com is being sued by universal music, the world's largest music company, over claims that the website's users "are infringing copyright by posting pop songs and music videos on their web pages."

damn you, universal! always trying to take down small business.

the independent reports:

The suit, filed last night in a California court, demands that MySpace pay Universal up to $150,000 for every one of its copyrighted works used by the website's army of 125 million users...Universal, which is owned by the French media giant Vivendi and counts Elton John, 50 Cent and Gwen Stefani among its biggest acts, is emerging as one of the most aggressive defenders of the music industry's intellectual property in the digital age.
(the independent, "http://news.independent.co.uk/business/news/article1993664.ece")

::sigh::

i, for one, think it's awesome that "defend[ing]...the music industry" means suing everyone you possibly can.

especially when you're suing the biggest social network on the internet, which has the possibility of exposing artists to millions of new people every day.

i know each time that i hear a good song on a friend's myspace page, or check out a band i'd never heard of via their myspace page, i immediately become enraged that their record label is not getting paid for me listening to their music. the only way they can increase profit is by hoping that, with the millions of bands on myspace, i may be exposed to a few that i wouldn't have been otherwise, which would give me the desire to buy their CD!

that's too risky for the gentle giants of the music industry. wouldn't it be so much nicer if the only way we can hear music, either that we have before or that is entirely new to us, was to pay a record company? i know i'd sleep much sounder at night if i could only listen to a 30 second clip of "livin' on a prayer." but right now, the bastards at myspace allow me to listen to the whole song.

well, here's something that universal music can't charge you for: it's learn-a-little saturday!

today, i will discuss something that has been very dear to me ever since laura- and jackie-reed (laura's "friendly, spanish, brooklynite suitemate") suggested i use the topic for wiki-licious friday, but i didn't have the time to use two topics: shanklish!

shanklish is a type of cow's milk cheese that is made in syria and lebanon. wikipedia.com tells me--and i never doubt wikipedia--that it is usually formed into balls approximately 6 cm diameter, which are then covered in spices and dried. this whole process gives the cheese its unique appearance, which "somewhat resembl[es] a dirty tennis ball."

yum?

in the name of learning, i looked up a picture of this cheese:
now, laura and jackie, i'd probably willingly eat this because i do love cheese, and it's got to be better than what sarah-reed is making me eat. however, this seems rather obscure--or at least unusual to pick as a topic.

which brings me to my next area of learning: confusion!

sometimes, things in life do not match up to the preconceived notions you had about them. when this occurs, you experience a sense of distress over attempting to bring clarity to an issue, but being unable to do so.

you may scratch your head, or your chin, or perhaps become angered at your growing confusion.

an example of this comes from myself attempting to understand the question, "why shanklish?" i debate possible answers: perhaps because it sounds like a language, but is really a cheese.

like how dalmatian sounds like a dog, but is really an extinct language native to the geographical area near croatia

(don't believe me?).

and that's all i have to say about shanklish. i'm confused as to why, but i did my part in researching! and no matter how weird and obscure, i not only appreciate the topic, but demand you all post more topic ideas!

ok guys, that's sadly all i've got. there was really a big span of funny-lacking in today's post, i know. would it help if i tried to make up for that by posting the first picture that comes up when typing "smelly toad" into google's image search?
wow. did michael showalter get far older, go crazy, and start loving toads?
at least that's interesting right?

right?

(i'll try harder tomorrow)

achoo! + WJB = full orgasm

2006-11-17T11:54:00.000-05:00

i am office drone #23890

#23890 has been programmed to many perform tasks while outputting 0% stress.

i have a malfunction.

good evening, reeds. it is friday, november 17th, and as you can infer from my robo-whining, i'm having a stressful day at work!

i guess i can't complain. i worked at a toy store for many years. if i were there right now, things would be exponentially worse.

so, without further delay (and i do apologize for the delay), here's your daily installment of tiny damaged notions!

all you lovely individuals will be happy to know that i got my hands on an advanced copy of "if i did it" by o.j. simpson! take a look:
heyy, wait a minute. that's not his book! that's an advertisement for dingo boots!

sorry, i must have gotten this confused with his book due to the blatant disregard for anything else but commercialism. apologies.

recently, i was asked this question:

i heard, don't know if it's true (you can look it up for your blog actually), that when you sneeze it's like 1/10 of an orgasm. strange, isn't it?

that did sound a big strange. i do find sneezes pleasurable from time to time, so i decided to look it up. thanks to some searching on google.com, i found this response from william m. rich, MD to the orgasm/sneeze question:

The sensation of pleasure, from whatever means, reduced to its essentials probably is an electrochemical reaction in a specific collection of cells in a specific part of the brain.
(William M. Rich, MD, "http://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/apr99/923322909.Me.r.html")

wow, william. that is so

HOT!

i'd say that response alone is worth nine-tenths of an orgasm. and, i'm so glad that it was written too technically for me to learn anything from it. so there's your answer!

now, onward, to our main event: wiki-licious friday!

i would like to start off by thanking everyone who submitted ideas. this week, i got two, and i wanted to write about them both; but alas, i did not acquire enough free time to do so. but no worries laura- and jackie-reed! tomorrow's "learn-a-little saturday," and your idea will be the topic of discussion.

normally, i will try to research all ideas given to me; however, if i get a lot of ideas one particular week, i may wait until the following friday to post it. so don't think i forgot about you!

with that said, we go to today's topic--from record-reed: william jennings bryan.
(all information below: "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_jennings_bryan")

don't know who william jennings bryan even is? shame on you! according to wikipedia he was

an American lawyer, statesman, and politician...a three-time Democratic Party nominee for President of the United States. One of the most popular speakers in American history...a devout Presbyterian, a strong proponent of popular democracy, an outspoken critic of banks and railroads, a leader of the silverite movement in the 1890s, a dominant figure in the Democratic Party, a peace advocate, a prohibitionist, an opponent of Darwinism...one of the most prominent leaders of the Progressive Movement...one of the most energetic campaigners in American history...[had] promoted Free Silver in 1896, anti-imperialism in 1900, and trust-busting in 1908, call[ed] on all Democrats to renounce conservatism, fight the trusts and big banks, and embrace progressive ideas...but is probably best known today for his crusade against Darwinism.

holy crap. that's a whole lot of stuff he got done.

that last part was italicized by me, as i felt would be especially poignant to reiterate why you reeds may have previously heard of this renaissance-man of turn-of-the-century politics.

now, even though bryan had "actively supported state laws banning public schools from teaching evolution," that doesn't mean that we can't learn a lot from bryan.
such as "remember to bring your populist-party pretzel whenever you deep-throat a democratic-donkey."

(p.s. i know that's really a snake)

a man as great as bryan, or ol' WJB as i call him, obviously had many people envious of his glorious regime of awesome he had going on:
this image depicts a well constructed zing conservatives nailed WJB with.

way to go, righties. nothing about that satire was lost over time.

"get it?!? bryan has an eclectic platform, so let's make an animal consisting of parts from different animals on a platform!"

"brilliant! but add a small, evil clown. you know, for closure."

all that would be, of course, spoken through a large, bushy, 1900-style mustache.

so i know what you're asking yourselves: "what more could he possibly report on william jennings bryan? i feel like i know the man personally already!" well, luckily for you, bryan was a part of something called the scopes trial, which also has a very loooooong wikipedia entry of its own.

but i'm a nice guy, so i'll sum it up:
the year is 1925, and two famous lawyers against one another: william jennings bryan (that's our man!) and clarence darrow (go home, darrow!).

this was a trial so famous,
that the state of tennessee decided to hold it outdoors! so everyone can breathe in that nice, country air.

scopes was found guilty! in your face, darrow! our man (circled in seductive red above) gained much publicity from his participation in the scopes trial. the rest, such as the purpose of the trial, is irrelevant. the point is, darrow went home with his tail between his legs, and WJB kept it as real as the natural setting of their outdoor courtroom.

hey look, here he is fanning that damn darrow punk!
what a nice guy. fanning even the enemy!

well, i'm spent. all that researching made me tired.

tired of a life without political action that is!

so i'm off to start various new agencies based on bettering this earth through the policies of william jennings bryan. if my bill gets passed, soon we will all be worshiping him each morning, and every night before bed.

have yourself a wonderful friday, reeds! go bust some trusts for me.

that's so uiboktih, o.j.

2006-11-16T09:38:00.000-05:00

good afternoon, reeds! i've got so much to do, so much to write, yet so little time. crazy!

record-reed wrote:

my verification code for this post was "uiboktih" which I think is clearly an actual word and TDN is just the place to flesh out its denotion.

uiboktih

u‧i‧bok‧tih / [yew-e-bowk-tee]
-adjective

1. relating to, or similar to, the pain brought about by hitting one's testicles: when maria left me, the pain was so uiboktih that i wanted to cry.
2. unfortunate or unpleasant: that's so uiboktih that you had to stay late at work.

how's that for the "uiboktih" denotation? i'd say damn good. now how about the connotation, reeds?

remember, connotation is defined as:

the associated or secondary meaning of a word or expression in addition to its explicit or primary meaning.
(dictionary.com, "http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=connotation")

i just gave the primary meaning, so it's up to you guys to create a secondary meaning. what comes to mind when you think of "uiboktih"? think long & hard, then post it in a comment!

now, onward towards crazy-goodness.

msnbc (ooo, that's, like, a real news-station or something) reports that o.j. simpson,

the man with the poker-face of innocence, has been paid $3.5 million dollars to write a book about the double murder of his ex-wife nicole brown simpson, and her friend, ron goldman.

"so, what's he writing? a blog on how sorry he is?"

no, actually. check it out:

Simpson is not actually confessing to the murder — rather, he’s writing a “hypothetical” book — which the Enquirer reports is tentatively being called “If I Did It.” The early part of the book tells how Simpson fell in love with Nicole...He goes on, according to the article, to describe in gruesome detail the killing of his ex-wife and Goldman; he stipulates that the murder scenes are “hypothetical.”
(msnbc, "http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15066202/")

gotcha. so o.j. simpson did not kill these two people, but he's writing a book on what it would be like if he did.

that's so uiboktih, o.j. for two reasons. one, because whether you truly committed these crimes or not, you're still desecrating the memory of these two people, and appallingly abusing the double-jeopardy law which is saving you from being arrested by merely publishing this book.

and secondly, because it sounds like you stole my book idea coming up for winter 07!

"in a chillingly realistic fashion, mike, of tiny damaged notions fame, expresses what an empire-wide struggle of both anti-government and undirected violence would be like if HE were tsar nicholas II in a book tentatively titled 'so tsar-ry, but i'm innocent: mike's russian revolution of 1905.'"

damn o.j.

well reeds, sad as it may seem, i have a choice right now: i can either end today's TDN post here--earlier than i had hoped--or i can save this and work on it some more later.

but i don't know when my previous commitment will be over, allowing me the time to return to bloggin' it up; so, sadly, i am parting with you for the day.

expecting more from tomorrow's post is not only a good wish, it's one that will be fulfilled!

i promise.

avoid the restroom, get dirty in your seat!

2006-11-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

good morning, reeds. it's wednesday, november 15th, and i haven't changed my desktop calendar since october 25th. welcome to today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

i'm not feeling particularly chipper this morning. so what can i do to still fulfill all of your expectations? why, i can complain!

"humorously?"

uhh, yeah. sure. why not?

i'm assuming all of you reeds out there are familiar with urinals. even those of you (and i know there are a few) who prefer stallin'
no, no. not him. i mean those of you who use the stall rather than the urinal. you at least see them on a day-to-day basis. and you lady reeds, i would imagine, know about them too.

so urinals have a pretty simple design: you urinate into a porcelain obstruction hanging off of the wall, then you push down a handle which creates a waterfall of cleansing water to mix with the urine and then it all goes down the drain.

some people decided they didn't want to do this last step, and never pushed down the handle. so some ingenious person created a sensor to place on these urinals, so whenever someone walks away after urinating, the sensor recognizes movement, and flushes. the only drawback is that it flushes at the sign of any movement; so when you walk up to one, it usually gives a flush.

normally, this idea is much preferred, since no one really wants to push down on a handle that oh so many people have touched after touching themselves. the preliminary flush is no big deal most of the time.

however, my lovely university decided they wanted to tweak this functional design, and threw a little SBU wrench into the mechanism. check these official blueprints:
upon walking up to this urinal (which was the furthest from the one the other student was using--an option bathroom-courtesy had me choose), i did indeed get a super-soaker styled shot of urinal water all over my hands and pants.

"awesome. urinal water."

yeah, that's just what i thought. luckily, i love having my hands coated in water from a piss-bucket, so it didn't bother me at all that the sinks were those lovely "push knob" style contraptions:
(excuse my microsoft paint artwork)

you all know this beautifully functioning mechanism, right? it's the one that requires you to constantly hold down the knob with one hand as you watch the soap melt off the other. then the recently cleaned hand can touch the dirty push knob so lefty can take a shower too. this design was made to both preserve water, and prevent awesome people from leaving the sink running and clogging the drain--creating a flood in the bathroom.

i believe my college installed these sinks for irony, since old faithful was more than willing to share his water with me.

"so what? big deal! you got sprayed with water at a urinal. is that really worth making me read all of this crap about you complaining? do something funny!"

alright, alright. onward towards something else:

foxcarolina.com reports that a man is being charged with "overt sexual activity" while aboard a southwest airlines flight from los angeles.

the charges, however, are expected to be dismissed as a misinterpretation on the part of the flight attendant.

The attorney for a California man who's accused of what authorities call "overt sexual activity" on a flight to Raleigh actually was just not feeling well.
(foxcarolina.com, "http://www.fox21.com/Global/story.asp?S=5684386&nav=2KPp")

"i'm not feeling well, honey. i'm feeling NAUGHTY!"

the sexed up sickboy, carl warren persing, rested his head on his girlfriend's lap because he felt a bit drowsy. deb newton, persing's lawyer, said that the gesture was misinterpreted by the flight attendant, who proceeded to humiliate and harass both persing and his hot girly pillow.

here's what i think happened:

carl warren persing probably was feeling a bit under the weather (even though he was flying above the weather! nyuck, nyuck, nyuck) and decided to rest his head on his girlfriend's lap--knowing that a woman's lap is the most comfortable of pillows.

a bit of turbulence, and a rude passenger behind mr. persing, caused his head to move slightly back and forth along his girlfriend's lap.

carl, like most of us, likes to sleep face down.

and, of course, his girlfriend was simply moaning with pleasure due to the excitement of airline travel.

so the flight attendant wasn't just being a very uptight, paranoid, and weird individual in assuming that someone resting their head on another's lap is the equivalent of oral sex, it was just a miscalculation of the given situation.

well reeds, that's where i'll end it for today's post. a side note: my browser froze and forced me to end the process through windows' task manager, which sent me off on an internal rage spree, assuming i had lost today's post.

however, thanks to the brilliance that is firefox 2.0, my post was saved when i continued the session upon restarting firefox.

so today's TDN installment is brought to by the mozilla corporation. everyone throw your internet explorer shortcuts into the recycling bin and go download firefox 2!!

i demand it!

(oh, and thank you to the reeds who posted ideas for wiki-licious friday! keep posting! i'll eventually use all of 'em)

good news, ishmael: christmas is cancelled!

2006-11-14T09:50:00.000-05:00

happy tuesday to all you reeds out there, and welcome to today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

do you know what today is? it's november 14th, or moby-dick day!

that's right all you fiction lovers, it was a mere 155 years ago that herman melville kicked the literary world in the balls with his giant epic about a crazy one-legged captain who is maniacally searching for an albino whale. here's an artist's depiction of that moment done in haste:
with a beard like that, how could he not have finely toned legs?

the book is narrated by ishmael, and contains many hotly debated themes including religious tolerance and intolerance, homosexuality, and, the juiciest one of them all, whaling. all the ins and outs of whaling can be found in this feels-too-long-by-page-12 novel; so, if anyone out there is curious as to what life as a whaler in the 19th century must have been like, pick this sucker up.

here's an example of the groundbreaking ideologies presented in ol' MD:

[A]ll evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified and made practically assailable in Moby Dick.
(moby dick, chapter 41)

and isn't that just so true? don't we all have our own personal moby dick's that we claim are responsible for all evil in the world?

for instance, i blame all that is good for everything that is evil in the world. reason being is that if good did not exist, evil would not either. while i understand that the balance between the two is necessary, if i must scapegoat anything, it's going to be good, for evil can be said to be a side-effect of this; much like how good can be said to be a side-effect of evil. it can be looked at from either way. it is circular, and a universal constant.

but that's just me. in scarborough, england, for example, they blame christmas. or at least that's what i assume after reading this headline:
wow. those people need to kick back with a bacon float and settle down a bit.

apparently, about 10,000 visitors came to scarborough's annual christmas-tree-lighting ceremony last year, and fire officials say only 2,000 can safely attend; so instead of potentially facing a compensation claim if someone gets injured, officials have just decided to trash the event altogether.

makes sense. my professors often cancel class in fear that the room will breach its maximum occupancy. so rather than turning students away from the learning experience, they just give up, and send out an e-mail stating it won't be meeting that day

(i hope my german professor reads this. sounds like a good idea, ja, herr bloomer?).

penny marsden, a local shopkeeper with a daredevil attitude, expressed her thoughts on the subject:

This is a joyous occasion when children come out to enjoy the start of Christmas - and we are going to rob them of it.
(ananova.com, "http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2076181.html?menu=")

nothing like robbing children, i always say. santa gives them all the good stuff!

and besides, they can enjoy christmas safely from their school seats.

well, enough of that that holiday topic. let's get down to business:

record-reed informed me he wasn't sure what "wiki-licious friday" was all about. so, i'll give everyone a breakdown:

each friday i will spend a portion of the TDN post discussing a theme that i researched solely on wikipedia.com, the now-anyone-can-be-a-scholar encyclopedia. the topic can be anything at all (as long as it has a wikipedia page), but it's up to you reeds to give me a topic! you can post an idea as a comment on any TDN installment. remember, it's tuesday, so you only have 3 days! get to posting!

now, unless i get that e-mail about occupancy fears canceling class, i have to be leaving now to drive on down to my university. all your reeds have a wonderful tuesday; remember to post your wiki-ideas, and be sure to ruin christmas for any younger siblings or relatives.

TDN, out!

TDN: now with more trans fat!

2006-11-13T08:27:00.000-05:00

oh, why hello, reeds. i didn't even see you browse in.

welcome to this monday's installment of tiny damaged notions: the culinary blog that brings you the best foods in the world!

today's delicious masterpiece: chicken-fried steak ice cream!
according to josh from dethroner.com, "where every man is king":

Not just chicken fried steak a la mode, but chicken fried steak covered with a scoop of ice cream made from the schmutz from a deglazed pan in which the steak was cooked. It was, surprisingly, awful.
(dethroner.com, "http://dethroner.com/index.php/2006/11/11/chicken-fried-steak-ice-cream/")

awful? call me "old-fashioned," but i can't imagine that a less desirable cut of steak which was submerged in batter, fried in lard, and topped off with a gravy-based "ice cream" would taste awful.

(sarah-reed, please tell don't make me eat this too. i beg of you!)

in more artery-clogging news, the new york daily news reports that mcdonalds, home of the bacon float,
will be cutting out the trans fat from its foods in europe. but don't you worry, my fellow americans, we won't be having any frequency decreases in our coronary heart disease statitics--we're keeping the fat in.

according to mcdonald's vice president, catherine adams:

Our European business was able to identify an oil blend that met customer taste expectations.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/news/wn_report/story/469551p-395201c.html")

i guess in europe, their taste expectations don't solely include "greasy, fatty, heart-attack-givin' eats!" but this is america, naysayers; so before you go cry me a river about how this is just another reason we have an obesity problem in our country, need i remind you of our great nation's food pyramid?
ok, so you've got your trans fat up top--where it belongs. then you've got your "dinner group," consisting of chicken-fried steak ice cream and baseball's best burger (remember, that's a bacon cheeseburger served inside a donut). underneath that you've got your coke balls, and other coke-syrup-based desserts. and finally, on the bottom you've got your "healthy things," like fish, and those sides that come with your chicken-fried steak ice cream.

luckily, fish will be gone by 2048; but if we try really hard, reeds, we can eliminate all vegetables even sooner--eventually leaving our life expectancy at the tasty 15 year mark. that means they'll have to lower the legal age for alcohol consumption to compensate. hey, my grandkids can get drunk at 8!

i always felt responsible enough to drink alcohol by 3rd grade.

well, i've got a lot of letters to write--and i'm not even making that up. so you reeds have yourselves a wonderful monday. remember to up the trans fat whenever you can. mickey d's style.

inclement weather? let's rps!

2006-11-12T11:27:00.000-05:00

good afternoon, reeds. it's sunday, november 12th. where i live, this is what the weather looks like for this upcoming week:
boo to the max.

i don't know about you all, but i personally can't wait for snow. imagine if all this rain were flurries instead? we'd have a blizzard! snow days upon snow days. we can all play outside and have snowball fights; then come indoors and drink hot chocolate.

::sigh:: soon enough.

well, onward towards why you're reading this: today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

if you remember correctly, yesterday i mentioned rock, paper, scissors in passing. well, i must secretly control media sources, because last night i found this interesting tidbit of reporting via yahoo! news:
yep, that's right: "Rock Paper Scissors World Championships."

this is no joke. there is seriously a society known as "The World RPS Society," with official rules governing the game. they've even made a crest:
now, this is no more lame than anything i've ever done, so i can't bash the RPS society. and, to be honest, why the hell would i want to? i find it pretty nifty.

here's a short, short bio on this organization: a world governing body was formed in england during the mid-1800s. in 1918, this organization was moved to canada, which was, as they put it, a "safe, hospitable and utterly inoffensive nation."

way to go, canada.

in 1925, the organization was renamed "The World RPS Society," and i'm sure all of the 10,000 members were frequently having sexual intercourse with various sexy partners after notifying them of this name switch, and their membership to such a cool club.

"but what's the point?" you may be asking. well, tournament director graham walker,
whose shoulder is so sexy he can hardly keep his scissor off of it, had a very interesting take on the purpose of RPS:

We don't think we should be determining the fate of
Iraq, but maybe we can resolve a lot of smaller conflicts like two children fighting over a chocolate bar.
(AFP, "http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20061111/od_afp/canadagamesummit_061111162450")

the idea of two children fighting over a chocolate bar is all the reason i'd need to form an organization based on a specific form of conflict resolution, and hold competitive tournaments in its name.

my one quarrel with graham walker is that he doesn't go far enough. why shouldn't we be determining the fate of iraq with RPS? american officials have tried resolving this whole war-dealy with both passive and aggressive forms of violence. what more could we do?

and frankly, i think mr. bush is down:
check out that throw! now, i don't want to give away any military secrets, but it looks like mr. bush is planning on using "the avalanche" RPS strategy:
"subtle yet aggresive." sounds like a brilliant tactic, sir.

well, reeds, i'm off to go about my day. dinner with my family in honor of my brother's birthday, and a whole lot of other good stuff (actually just homework, but let's imagine better things). you all head out and truly make this "sunday funday"!

(not a lame sentiment at all)

"happyness" is being a famous burrito

2006-11-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

good afternoon, reeds. it's saturday, november 11th--veterans day--and i don't know about you but i'm ready for another installment of tiny damaged notions.

shut up and jam!

yesterday, i went to see the new talkie stranger than fiction in the moving picture theater. in case you can't recall, here's the poster:
whether or not i enjoyed the film is irrelevant (alright, i'll tell you that i did enjoy the film, but only because all you reeds are so nice), the important part was the trailer i saw for the new will smith movie:
hmmm. "happyness," i thought, is misspelled.

well, i didn't so much think it as i angrily turned towards kristen-reed, proclaiming "what the hell?!? they misspelled happiness! what, did they not spellcheck their movie title?!?"

so, today i went on a little research binge, and found out via imdb.com that the misspelling was intentional. furthermore, i discovered that it was first an ol' fashioned bound memoir by chris gardner. npr.org was nice enough to give me the reason why:

The misspelled "Happyness" of the book's title comes from when Gardner was looking for daycare for his son so Gardner could pursue his career. He rejected one facility because it misspelled "Happiness" in its name, but gained insight into what happiness meant to him personally when he explained the literal meaning of the word to his curious son.
(npr.org, "http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5443651")

this turned my feelings of anger into feelings of joy. gardner rejected sending his son to a daycare center that misspelled "happiness."

amazing.

so kudos go to you, chris gardner. i know i'd do the same, and i hope all you reeds would too. let's break free from ignorance and demand nerdy satisfaction!

oh, what a wonderful segue into learn-a-little saturday! today's topic: fame.

being famous just means having a widespread reputation, or that a large percentage of the general public (or whatever demographic said person is famous in) knows the person exists. most of the time, this also means that the public acknowledges said famous person as performing or doing something that has given them notariety.

most commonly, people become famous for these actions which they have done, whether liked or disliked: mother theresa is well known for being a saint-like kind missionary; tom hanks is known as an american actor. when disliked, it is also called infamous: john wayne gacy, jr is infamous for being a serial killer.

there is a third case which also exists, which is perhaps the strangest one: people will become famous, and the general public doesn't even know why that person became famous. many times, this is due to being related to another famous person. think about why the hell anyone knows paris hilton. once she started doing anything that may have made her famous (television shows, merchandising, main-stream music), she had already been famous prior to that. it is just that enough people have spoken about said person, and they've infiltrated enough common media sources that the details of their rise to fame become blurred in their already-gaining notoriety.

with that said, one doesn't actually need to have done anything superb to get him or her into the spotlight--even if it is just for a short while, or for "15 minutes of fame."

15 minutes may be all i need to show reese witherspoon how awesome i am. so start getting my name out there! spread TDN love everywhere: discuss it by the water cooler at work, write rave-reviews for it to media sources, get TDN tattooed across your back, etc.

well, that's enough self-promotion and reese-infatuation disguised as learning for one day. let's move on, shall we?

CBS4boston.com, the aptly titled website for boston's local CBS station, reported on this spicy piece of news:

(cbs4boston.com, "http://cbs4boston.com/local/local_story_314094750.html")

not only is this culinary battle worthy of reporting on, but according to the caption under the picture of a fanged-vampire eating a burrito, it is known as "the great burrito debate."

can you reeds believe that we're all alive for, and able to experience firsthand, the great burrito debate? we'll be telling our grandkids about this, that's for sure.

then there was a neat little poll which asks you, the reader, if you believe a burrito is a sandwich. i'll tell you in confidence that i voted amongst the many for "Of course not." the 29% who voted for "Yes, bread plus filling equals sandwich" are brave, but incorrect, i felt. i don't know about you, but i've never seen a burrito wrapped up in bread. it's called a "tortilla."

according to the story, panera bread got all huffy-puffy when a mexican restaurant opened itself in the same shopping center as a panera bread location, after the owners of the mall had given panera "sandwich exclusivity."

then, like burrito-filling, things got heated. they went to court, and this ridiculous story was born.

In his ruling, [Worcester Superior Court Judge Jeffrey A.] Locke cited Webster's definition of a sandwich and explained that the difference comes down to two slices of bread versus one tortilla: "A sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans," he wrote.
(cbs4boston.com, "http://cbs4boston.com/local/local_story_314094750.html")

you think judge locke was smiling when he gave out this ruling? i don't know how often in your career as a judge you'd be expecting to read aloud webster's definition of a sandwich.

"before coming to my verdict on this case of rock v. paper, i will first read the wikipedia article on 'rock, paper, scissors' to clarify this misunderstanding."

"choice filling of meat, rice, and beans" still makes me laugh. sounds like he's trying to advertise mexican food with that one. and who can blame him? that's one tasty area of eats.

that's all for this saturday's installment of tiny damaged notions. now all you reeds can finally get back to planning your saturday. it is saturday when you're reading this right? you didn't wait until you were bored later on in the week because you had "better things to do" did you?

DID YOU?!?

good, i thought not. enjoy your saturday everyone! and save a burrito for me.

this can't be a dream: it smells like a wiki-licious friday!

2006-11-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

where i come from, every day's a friday!

i come from the land of fri-tonia, where casual clothes are a must, and manic monday is banned from all public radio.

good morning, reeds. it's friday, november 10th, and i've got the post that can boast the most--um, the most. ummmm.

ah screw it. here's today's non-rhyming, caffeinated installment of tiny damaged notions!

you know, as a man interested in my future as a blogger, i decided to search for 'tiny damaged notions' blog" on google. yes, i could have used google as a verb and say i "googled" it, but why should google get to be a verb and all those cool words i invented can't? what about smarshaling? or tyeundeling? sorry google, but until those make their way into the common vernacular of americans, i'll stick to "search."

anyways, here's what i found out: technorati.com is a site that "give[s] you the very latest blog posts so that you can read what other people are saying right now." and look who's first on this cached page:
ohhh, who's that sexy blog? why, it's TDN!

my sunday post was the first to pop up if anyone searched for reese witherspoon on technorati.com. i'm so honored. obviously, this means that if reese frequently wants to see what people are saying about her in blogs, she got a chance to not be creeped out by reading that i know she "frequently daydreams of my sexiness."

rock on.

in other news, brittany-reed just informed me of this:

hey did you know that you have no sense of smell when your sleeping? that has some frightening implications. i mean, someone could dump a large pile of cow dung on you and you wouldn't wake up. you might wake up from the sound of the cow dung falling on you, but you wouldn't wake up from the smell.

you hear that, reeds? anyone who lives near a farm better watch out.

for the rest of you, looks like my plan of breaking into your bedroom and surprising each one of you with freshly baked cow-dung cookies while you were sleeping won't work on smell alone. i'll have to bring along my foghorn.

ok, ok. i've put it off long enough: it's wiki-licious friday!

thanks a lot for giving me topics, everyone but chris-reed!

i kid. but honestly, start doing what you're told! what kind of cult is this where you don't even follow simple instructions?

today's topic: the seismosaurus!
(all information below: wikipedia.com, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seismosaurus")

seismosaurus means "Earth-shaking lizard," which provides paleontologists with many trite bathroom jokes:
"watch out, fellas! i've gota seismosaurus down here!"
"yeah, more like a nanosaurus!"

and so on.

just how large is this dino, you ask?

It is estimated to have been 110 feet (33.53 meters) long — making it one of the longest dinosaurs — and It might have weighed nearly 45 tons

wow. if you're like me, and those numbers don't mean a damn thing to you, fear not! the wikis have posted an amazing 3d rendered depiction of this large dino-dealy:
move over, pixar. that's one beautifully rendered image.

i assume the slight white border around the seismosaurus is showing the force field it had around its body, and not showing a crappy cut-and-paste job.

after all, this is an encyclopedia, dammit!

(well, sort of)

there's also a zoid version of this lovely d-saur:
so now the kids can learn all those amazing facts i just taught you!

weren't they amazing? wasn't reading this the best part of your friday?

yeah, i knew it.

alright, i think that's enough wiki-liciousness for today. all you reeds go out and have a splendid friday. and start posting your ideas for next friday's topic!

I DEMAND IT!

what nursery rhyme cures a hangover?

2006-11-09T08:32:00.000-05:00

top o' the mornin' to ya, reeds. it's thursday, november 9th, and i'm sending out an APB on frowns with today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

photobucket.com is doing some site maintenance. oh no! how am i supposed to post picture things and then say word things about them?

i know: i'll sign up for a flickr.com account. sorry, photobucket, but the blog must blog on.

everyone break out your recorders, because google's changing everything we know about our old favorite nursery rhyme:
what?!? ok, ok. so let's see how this changes the rhyme:

three blind mice, three blind mice
can see where they run, can see where they run.
some scientists transferred eye tissue
from newborn to adult mice.
it lets the blind mice detect the light.
they're three formerly blind mice.

yeah. that's still just as fun for the kids.

digg.com led me to an article by the new york times that looked interesting, especially given the fact that it is thursday, or "college party night":

Some Types of Alcohol Cause Worse Hangovers Than Others...Experts say that the type of alcohol you drink does make a difference, but for various reasons.
(the new york times, "http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/07/health/07real.html?ex=1320555600&en=8ef3e68f0d8342ef&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss")

so i should pick up some grey goose and quit slumming it on rubbing alcohol. check.

apparently, "the drink that produced the most hangover symptoms was brandy, followed by red wine, rum, whiskey, white wine, gin and vodka."

hmm. interesting. and hey, look! they even gave me a nice little illustration by leif parsons to explain the whole discovery:
so the next time you go out drinking with the agonized figure from edvard munch's scream, and your unusually broad-shouldered, stiff-necked dork friend, if the agonized figure orders some red wine, he'll probably have a worse hangover than captain dork, who'll safely order a glass of urine.

wow, thanks for the heads up, leif! eat that bit of victory, hangover-stopping pills.

i decided to jump on wikipedia to see if anybody added their own interesting ways to cure a hangover, and boy, did i find some good ones:
(all excerpts below from wikipedia.com, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hangovers#Possible_remedies")

Mixing in a tall glass two raw eggs with pepper, tabasco sauce, and gin...Colloquially known as a "Prairie Oyster."

i don't even know what to say besides "yum!" this cure's got it all: raw eggs, tabasco sauce, and even more alcohol--in this case, gin!

of course, some people say that's just not going far enough. that's why those people must have posted this next cure:

Drinking more alcohol...a well-liked remedy.

nothing like a shot to cure that hangover. i know when i'm hungover after a night of drinking, the first thing i want while nauseated with a pounding headache coursing through my being is another drink!

sorry to keep it short today, peoples, but it's time i head out to class. that means that the post time of this is a lie! between working and creating this blog, it has past from 8:32 to 11:18am.

what a great utilization of time!

tomorrow's wiki-licious friday! chris-reed gave me a topic, but fear not! if any of you reeds have topic ideas write them down in a comment. it can be anything at all, from egg-beaters to poland spring, to "satisfaction."

have a great thursday, reeds. the next round is on me.

a fed-ex of comments, and garfield again!

2006-11-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

can you guys believe it's wednesday already? i know i can't. it's mind-blowing. it's life-altering. it's gnarly to the max!

good morning, reeds. as previously stated, it is wednesday, november 8th, early in the mo'nin; so set your alarm to "good-times" and wake up smiling for today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

attack of the comments!

naqi-reed wrote:

jim davis may have been onto something all along: http://www.truthandbeautybombs.com/bb/viewtopic.php?t=4997

that link brings you to a forum where someone took the initiative to remove all of garfield's speech/think bubbles from garfield comics. said person did this to prove that it "become[s] an oddly surrealist comic." here's one example to illustrate his point:
ooooo, artsy.

here's another one showing that garfield's inability to talk simply makes jon arbuckle crazy:
i'll admit, while i am not a fan of garfield comics, i would be a fan if this was the format for the strip: a crazy man talks to himself while his cat stares into space and/or eats--because it is a cat, and that's what they do.

that last strip did get a giggle out of me.

"i demand more comments!"

who are you to demand things of me? i am appalled! but, i'll give you more comments anyway, because they're nice.

a frequent commenter, and an equally hungry (i assume) friend, matt-reed writes:

2048? that's a sci-fi movie recently released. perhaps you should look into this and make any connections with madonna, ocean life, etc.

you got it, matt. however, on further inspection i found out that the sci-fi movie released in 2004 was titled 2046. i assumed it was a take on the pre-apocalyptic world of sea-creatures, two years before they are no more. however, a quick check on imdb proved that i was wrong.

(imdb, "http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0212712/")

ok, so we all know by now that the tagline misused the ellipses. apparently, that's what makes taglines so darn eye-catching. what's really great about this here movie is that plot summary snippet. "He thought he wrote about the future but it was really the past."

not being able to differentiate between the past and the future only makes you a crappy writer--not a good main character for a sci-fi movie. sorry, 2046 creators.

"i've got an ingenious idea: in the not-so-distant future, there is an institution based on a specific set of beliefs on the afterlife which will be called rah-leegion. this rah-leegious institution is known as the yatholic smurch. the tope--the highest official in the yatholic smurch--orders all of the followers to go on a prusade, killing all non-believers. i'll call it: the prusade of tope murban II of the yatholic smurch.

"what do you think?"

in a note unrelated to that, i'll tell you what i think: i think it's time for what's gossipin??, my entertainment news section whose title is a joke i probably won't stick with.

in entertainment news, britney spears has decided to wrap up her spicy marriage, and is serving now ex-hubby kevin federline a hot divorce burrito.

watch out k-fed, i hear that's got a bit of an aftertaste.

CBS took this news as a chance to try out some fresh new wordplay with kevin federline's nickname. take a look:

(CBS news, "http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/11/08/earlyshow/leisure/celebspot/main2162099.shtml")

"K-Fed now Fed-Ex." looks like CBS sent a priority overnight envelope full of hurt to mr. federline's doorstep. have fun signing for that tasty bit of wit, kev.

you have to appreciate the fact that CBS knew that based on headline alone, no one would know what the hell they were talking about; this is why, i assume, they added that little gray clarification sentence. perhaps i should employ this journalistic technique as i say goodbye, and wish you reeds a wonderful wednesday:

TDN CLOCKS OUT; HANDS REEDS SECOND ALARM
the daily tiny damaged notions post ends with a reminder to submit ideas for wiki-licious friday.

fun with bikes, and movie thoughts

2006-11-07T08:03:00.000-05:00

happy tuesday to all you reeds out there in reader-land, and welcome to today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

today's post may not be that long, as i've still got more studying to do. between yesterday and today one would think i were diligently applying myself towards my education.

further inspection, however, would prove that i just barely did any studying yesterday because i was being lazy.

c'est la vie.

you know what today is, right? it's november 7th, or international "do-crazy-crap-on-a-bike day"! everyone from young to old, from humans to shrubbery
can be seen riding these fantastic two-wheeled contraptions.

hey, look--it's tick villain chairface chippendale:
(that joke's sole demographic was dr. jam)

you know, for years i questioned why i was driving cars, when i can just hoist them on a bike and ride them down the road:
now i know that i was just being a naïve youth. the rule is that bigger and faster things must always go on top of smaller, more crushable things. so whenever you see someone going down the road like this:
you call them a giant wuss-bag and you spit on their car.

speaking of cars, my one complaint about these modern-marvels is the rear-view mirror. it's just not big enough. when i want to look behind me, i want my entire field-of-vision to be enveloped by reflective glass:
now this guy's got the right idea! only look where you've been; live in the past. yes, good.

you know, i've always been the biggest movie buff i know. go ahead and quiz me on scenes from wizard of oz, citizen kane, or most any disney film, and i'm guaranteed to blow your mind with the poignant response: "i've never seen it." therefore, i was looking around yahoo's movie page, and found the area which they have the top and bottom ranked movies of all time.

the top was a tie between 7 movies ranging from star wars and return of the king, to shawshank redemption and schindler's list. however, the bottom was one single F, given to gigli, the movie everyone loves to hate. now, i've never seen this bit of cinematic brilliance, but to refresh the minds of you reeds, it was the highly anticipated team-up between jennifer lopez and ben affleck.

this made me think of a movie i watched recently: day of the dead. now, day of the dead was fun to mock, but often lacked the, how would you say it, skill of acting. plus, i'm not sure if george a. romero had intended to catapult his script towards us with such eloquence, but he sure did with lines like "i'm running this monkey farm now, frankenstein," which usually isn't heard outside of a doctoral thesis.

and then, of course, there is plan 9 from outer space. this famous cult classic showed the world that ed wood was a far better comedian when he wasn't trying to make us laugh:
"visits? that would indicate visitors"
"i'll bet my badge that we haven't seen the last of those weirdies"
"now, don't you worry. the saucers are up there. the graveyard is out there. but i'll be locked up safely in there."

who needs pronouns to relate to things? certainly not this guy. or that one.

maybe him though.

well, i'm afraid that's all the time we have today, reeds. i'm off to study for an exam that's in a few short hours.

everyone start posting your ideas for this friday's wiki-licious topic! comment on any post. why not today's? or last friday's. it's your call.

have a wonderful tuesday. oh, and for all you other people, this is chairface chippendale, a villian from the tick:

it's another octo-bush metal-monday

2006-11-06T08:58:00.000-05:00

i'm garfield. i hate mondays. blah blah blah.

good morning, reeds. it's monday, november 6th, and i'm ready for a new post of tiny damaged notions. the question is: are you? can you handle it?

laura-reed once said this to me:

you should probably put out a caution to all of your loyal reeds. let them know that a library is no place to enjoy tiny damaged notions. unfortunately (and very sadly), i have made this mistake and have humilated myself about 3 times since i sat down 20 minutes ago...keep writing and i'll keep embarassing myself with random spurts of laughter.

while i did appreciate those kind words, i seem to be in a bit of a pickle here. i aspire to be a librarian (no joke), yet the institution of the library is one of the only places that does not promote laughter.

so, all you people better enjoy any laughter you get out of me now. after obtaining an MLS (master of library science) i may be as dry and humorless as this piece of toast:
but currently, luckily for you guys, my sense of humor is as sharp as a saw blade:
bam! my metal man halloween costume (which one is which?). thanks to adam-reed for the picture.

yeah, i have a lot of free time on my hands. so what? you know what i've got in my hands? a metal blade! eat that mega man!

well, anyways. onward towards bettering your life through TDN:

you reeds who have been here since the beginning will know that back in my second post, a whole 10 days ago, i mentioned my distaste for the way yahoo! mail beta forces news down my throat.

well, call me hungry, because today it gave me an extremely informative piece of information which i enjoyed:

"'bible belt' boosts bush, republicans."

now, i'm as happy as the next loser to utilize alliteration whenever possible, so the headline makes me smile a little bit. but is it really that newsworthy that the so-called "bible belt," which refers to the socially conservative south-eastern quadrant of the united states, are promoters of bush and republicanism?

"yeah, chuck. i had no idea that the catholic church was such a big promoter of jesus christ!"
"i was shocked to hear that a main goal of major corporations is to increase company profit!"
"it's astounding the amount reese witherspoon talks about mike from tiny damaged notions!"

(that last one's got a bit more hyperbolizing. it's all in the name of journalism, dammit)

clicking on the delicious headline provided more news-shaped morsels of text:

Retired school teacher Martha Bobbitt thinks President George W. Bush is a good Christian with the right values. If he's gone wrong in Iraq, it won't change her vote.
(yahoo! news, "http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061106/ts_nm/usa_elections_georgia_dc")

it's good to know some people out there don't let policy get in the way of voting. too many americans let all those actions and agendas cloud over why you really should vote for someone: religious beliefs.

same goes for any area of life. for instance, i quiz my waiter on the bible before i allow him or her to bring me my food. each incorrect answer scores the waiter a dollar less for tip. then, if he or she decreases down to $0, i demand that waiter be fired.

"in the third year of his reign, why did xerxes become very angry with the queen?!?"
"an angel came from the east bearing the seal of god. he placed god's seal on the foreheads of people who were faithful servants of god. how many people received the seal?!?"
"where the hell's my food!"

and so on.

another interesting bit of media came to me from the independent,
who's bird is not humping any part of their logo (hear that daily gamecock?).

apparently, the octopus was recently discovered to be the "genius of the deep"

They can use tools and experience pain and stress. Octopuses are so intelligent they may win special protection in laboratory research - and from the cruelty dished out by some restaurant kitchens
(the independent, "http://news.independent.co.uk/environment/article1956568.ece")

well, there goes my theory that we should eat octopi because they're so stupid. and my whole 30 minute standup bit on "dumb octopus jokes."

damn scientists!

oh well, i guess we can take solace in the fact that by 2048 they may be extinct anyhow, as we learned in yesterday's post. unlike us humans!

"wait, what about all that global warfare and world crisis?"

what are you dumber than an octopus? we'll be fine.

Martha Bobbitt thinks President George W. Bush is a good Christian with the right values. If he's gone wrong in Iraq, it won't change her vote.
(what you just quoted earlier)

quiet, you!

anyways, onto another topic. procrastination is defined as:

to put off till another day or time; defer; delay.
(dictionary.com, "http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=procrastination")

a sample sentence would be "mike is putting off studying to create a new TDN post."

that sentence would also be truthful, as i am currently doing just that.

ughhh, i guess i'll get some studying underway. all you reeds have a wonderful monday. don't listen to garfield, today can be great!

in fact, just don't read any jim davis cartoons. ever.

robo-pop, reese witherspoon, and disappearing fish

2006-11-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

anonymous (kristen-reed) said:

hehe... when is sundays blog going to be up :-(

close that parenthesis and start smiling, because here comes your sunday-edition of tiny damaged notions!

ok, so when i said pictures would be up today of me looking like this:
i lied.

see, i have no camera anymore since mine decided to break; but laura-reed's got one, so i'll post my metal-manliness soon, don't you worry!

matt-reed made a very interesting point about my boredumb laws and borderlines post:

i believe that the material girl referred to this "malawian" (sounds more like a brand than an ethnicity to me) child as an object because he is, in fact, a machine. robots! madonna may have been talking about beta-testing a future model of david banda V.9.12.05.

robots!

i bet it's true. madonna has always had a fascination with robotic culture. after all, check out this picture of her from the '89 cherish video shoot:
it's all making sense now. thanks for clearing that up, matt!

now onward towards news:

while waiting on line in the supermarket, a tabloid's headline caught my eye. it pertained to my celeb-crush, reese witherspoon,
who frequently daydreams of my sexiness. apparently, her and her husband ryan phillippe are getting a divorce. obviously, this means that if i get famous and play my cards right, i could be next in line.

so it's up to you reeds to use your 7-degrees-of-seperation from ms. witherspoon to get word out about me. perhaps after reading TDN, she'll find life without me an inconceivable disappointment.

i'm practically in!

according to xinhua news, a.k.a. the only news that matters:

Reese Witherspoon may pay dearly for her split from husband Ryan Phillippe, as the couple allegedly have no prenuptial agreement.
(xinhua, "http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-11/05/content_5291891.htm")

poor reese. first, she's not involved with me. then, she gets hit with this "no prenup" business. apparently since ryan makes less money than reese, her wallet's going to be the one that gets hit.

honestly, i don't know why one of the stars of 2006's chaos makes such little money:

(imdb, "http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0402910/")

the tagline sounds suspiciously like his current marital state. plus, it uses our old favorite misused punctuation mark: an ellipsis!

and check out that plot outline. "wait, there's a rookie cop and a 'grizzled vet' who are both pursuing a bank robber? in the same movie?!? i must be dreaming!"

and the headlined user comment--the one befitting of praise--is "much better than expected."

yeah, i don't know why he's making less money.
oh, right.

in other news, i just discovered this little tidbit of frowns:

Oversight of commercial fishing must be strengthened or there may eventually be no more seafood. That's the conclusion of a report in today's Science journal that predicts 90% of the fish and shellfish species that are hauled from the ocean to feed people worldwide may be gone by 2048.
(usa today, "http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/discoveries/2006-11-02-overfishing-threat_x.htm")

this means i only have 42 years left to enjoy seafood! all you people involved with commercial fishing, fix this problem! i demand it.

the rest of you reeds: let's all go out for sushi.

that's all for today's TDN. everyone have a fantastarific sunday. and remember to do your part in helping fish exist more; primarily, by keeping them away from this guy:

late post, dry toast, party ghosts

2006-11-04T18:49:00.000-05:00

late post!

it's 6:50pm and i'm just now starting this edition of

learn-a-little saturday!

am i honestly expecting people to be sitting home reading this on a saturday night?

no; but i already got several reeds telling me they looked for a new post today before i got a chance to. curses!

well, i have a good excuse: i was making a costume for a halloween party i'm going to tonight.

i know, i know: it's after the fact. but i got a kick-ass costume:

metal man! from mega man 2.

(pictures to be posted tomorrow).

now onward towards learning. today's lesson:

applebees!

that's where me and a few good reeds are about to go eat. you know, a while ago i noticed the similarities between the name "applebees" and the fruit and insect whose names make up the restaurant chain.

therefore, whenever i inquire friends if they would care to join me on a tasty excursion towards this bar n' grill, i always ask:

"wanna get stung?!"

what is this teaching you? well, about colloquialism, of course. and even more-so, a sub-genre of that: slang.

slang terms have been around as long as conventional language. some terms stick around long enough to be considered a permanent part in a language; others fade away like disco music, or parachute pants.

one permanent aspect of language is that it is always evolving. sometimes for ease of the speaker, sometimes due to foreign influence.

or sometimes, because YOU GOTTA GET STUNG!

BEES IT, BRO!

catch you reeds tomorrow. have a great saturday.

(sunday's will be better. i promise).

astronomical dunks! and a possible new segment!

2006-11-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

R-E-E!
D-S!
R-E-E!
D-S!
go-go-go!

happy friday to everyone out there. prepare yourselves for another fun-size installment of tiny damaged notions!

today's another FGIO day in my office. sometimes, when enough guests come in, we get lunch catered. this is always a happy occurrence (and not just since the smell of food throughout the stale-air is intoxicating), because after the guests and important people stuff their face, us pawns get to attack.

keep your fingers crossed.

first order of business is thanking all you reeds for your comments. it makes me happy to see that you all enjoy this column. it's only been a week since it began, but much like a mother holding a newborn, i already feel a deep attachment to this.

in fact, i'd wager to say that equating TDN daily posts to nurturing and caring for a newborn child in no way over-exaggerates the importance of this blog.

nope.

and now, it's time for some excitement!

brian may, the guitarist for that ol' rock band queen,
shown here pointing towards the heavens, has recently co-authored a book on astronomy, titled Bang! The Complete History of the Universe.

according to the news source guardian unlimited, which has the same name as my dental insurance provider, may "abandoned doctoral studies in astronomy to play guitar with `70s rock legends Queen."

so next time someone tells you the solo in killer queen isn't astronomical, you slap them in the face with a copy of his book.

may also had an interesting take on his two pastimes:

I think there's a sort of purity about both of them...Because you can immerse yourself in thoughts of the universe, or in music, and you're really abstracted. You're a million miles away from all your worries and personal problems and the dust and smoke of where you are.
(guardian unlimited, "http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,,-6166735,00.html")

dynamite with a laser beam!

and we're on to something new.

like a photo hung with peanut butter, who knows if this will stick (nyuck, nyuck, nyuck), but we're gonna try it out today:

it's wiki-licious-friday!

today i'll dedicate a portion of this installment to researching something on wikipedia only. that means it's up to you reeds to give me a topic in advance that i can discuss on each friday's post. since i don't have a forum, just leave it in a comment--i read all your comments, and have a special place in my heart for each and every one.

it's true: i literally tattoo each comment onto my heart.

(ok, well. maybe that last part's not true)

my friend and fellow coworker adam-reed, who many of you may know as dr. jam, hit me up with today's topic:

charles barkley! (all information below: wikipedia.org, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Barkley")
aka. sir charles, or the round mound of rebound.

sir charles's position on the court was power forward, which, although sounding like something a nerd may shout at an opponent in a video game, is a very credible position, i'm sure.

the round mound's legacy is for rebounds, as was expressed in this segment spooning redundancy: "Barkley came to league as a great rebounder, despite his lack of height. He compensated by being extremely tenacious for rebounds"

oooo, tenacious for rebounds! that explains why barkley threw 20-year-old jorge lugo through the plate-glass window of a bar back in 1997.

wait--no it doesn't. maybe he thought he was breaking the backboard in nba jam--a game which he was totally in!

then he went on to make this game:which brought a whole new idiom into the english language.

"dude, you still haven't asked sandy to the prom? shut up and jam already, bro!"

"johnson, we're gonna need you to shut up and jam out those progress reports."

"ted, you've been talking so long your toast is getting cold. shut up and jam!"

"i am a hooker. you have asked me for sex in exchange for money, but thus far we've just been sitting on this motel bed discussing fruit-flies. with your penis, i'm going to need you to shu..."

you get the idea.

oh yeah, and barkley also lost ten million dollars gambling, was the subject of much controversy, got into a few on-court fights, and said this line:

Responding to concerns that players may contract HIV by contact with Johnson, Barkley commented flippantly: 'We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic.'

but that's neither here nor there.

well, i suppose that'll be all for today's post. start thinking up some ideas for next friday's post, reeds! have a great friday.

shut up and jam!

boredumb laws and borderlines

2006-11-02T08:36:00.000-05:00

happy thursday morning, reeds. if you're reading this, that indicates that literacy has paid off, because here comes another installment of tiny damaged notions!

today is FGIO at my job. that's an acronym for formal guest in office. this means that everyone's gotta dress nice and purrrty. here's an example of how i look right now:
only my shirt is blue, my tie is grey, and i have a head. my "thinkin' box" rests gracefully above my neck, and, thanks to my eyes, allows me to wink seductively at all you pretty people. it can do other things too, but that's the one that counts.

onto another topic!

being bored allows us time to gather so much information, don't you think? it's really a learning experience. for instance, i found out this little factiod from the guiness book of world records' website:

The longest pool toy ever measured 1,609.34 m (5,280 ft)
(guiness book of world records, "http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/records/amazing_feats/big_stuff/longest_pool_toy.aspx")

see? wow. isn't that interesting?

ok, i'll admit it: i've got nothing.

but it's early! and i'm tired. and, um. uhhhhh. ah! here we go:

madonna to the rescue! (as usual) the former material girl,
whose smelly microphone is giving her a reason to cry, told BBC's newsnight program that she may plan on adopting another child in the future.

for those of you who don't keep up on the pointy-bra'd vixen's life, she is currently finalizing plans to adopt a 13-month-old malawian boy named david banda.

speaking about the possibility of adopting another child who can be made awkward when finding a copy of madonna's sex book lying around the house, the former holiday-yearning diva stated:

I wouldn't rule it out. I would like it to not be as complicated in the future, but I would just like to experience David for a while and see how that works out first.
(RTÉ entertainment, "http://www.rte.ie/arts/2006/1102/madonna.html")

for you reeds out there as nerdy as i, you'll find that sentence structure fascinating. here's what i mean: replace the word "David" with "this car."

instead of a complicated adoption, madonna could be talking about problems with a car dealership--expressing that she'd buy another lexus in the future, but if there weren't so much red-tape.

"I would just like to experience David for a while and see how that works out first" doesn't sound like a mother, but rather (aha!) someone talking about a possession.

go ahead, ask a new mother if she would want another child. examine her word choice, and i'm sure you'll find that you can't replace her child's name with "diamond necklace" and have the sentence be semantically true.

"oh, well i just brought this diamond necklace back from the hospital, and diamond necklaces come with so much responsibility, that i think i would have to nurture and care for this one first before i even thought about getting another."

material goil at ha'at.

in other news, most news is either boring or sad. however, here's a little tidbit from dumblaws.com that proves entertaining:

[in new york] A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
(dumblaws.com, "http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/new-york/")

now, i laughed a bit at that. i couldn't even fathom the possible need to make this into a law. it seemed like if this were really on the books in my home state, new york, then the lawmakers who gave birth to this bizarre rule were just out to make government look all the more ridiculous.

"on sunday, it is a threat against america to have men, women, and children walk around new york with ice cream cones in their pockets! this horrible trend has got to stop!"

but, a part of me didn't believe this was really a law; so, i perused dumblaws.com trying to find its credentials. you know, where it gets its information from. and on the main page, i saw an interesting little article in a section called "think!," whose explanatory paragraph explains that they "don't expect you to agree with everything (or anything) [they] print, but [they] invite you to read, consider, and discuss."

can you find the typo? if not, check the giant bold headline! also check out that block-quote of sorts: "if you really stop and think [what a witty plug!] about it, is female circumcision really all that different from dental braces?"

...

now, i'll admit, i've had dental braces, but i've never had a partial or complete removal of my clitoris, prepuce, or labia--probably because i'm not a woman, nor do i live in a culture that embraces this process.

however, antonio, the papa-thinker behind this well-spelled article, thinks that maybe by having one i've experienced both.

hmmm, dental braces are round or flat metal wires placed against the surfaces of the teeth for straightening irregularly arranged teeth; female circumcision, as i've just stated, is a partial or complete removal of the clitoris, prepuce, or labia of a girl or young woman.

by definition alone, i'm afraid antonio is way off. as off as i was when i suggested that wearing a hat is pretty much the same as getting a vasectomy.

maybe he's referring to the fact that he had no sexual pleasure during the years in which he wore braces; and that's something i happen to know rang true for me.

but pssst, antonio: that's just called being a nerd.

and unlike braces, female circumcision, or "circumcsion" as you so eloquently put it, is a wee-bit more permanent.

well, i'm spent.

that's all for today's post, everyone. all you reeds have a fantastic thursday filled with re-reading this post again and again until midnight!

(that is your plan, right?)

yes, i'm still on costumes. oh, and birthdays.

2006-11-01T12:14:00.000-05:00

i almost just spilled water all over my keyboard.

i must be excited to post!

good afternoon, reeds. start screaming and prepare to duck and cover, because tiny damaged notions is about to detonate another a-bomb-installment of good-times!

yesterday was halloween, and i hope you all had your fair share of charleston chews, milky ways, and jolly ranchers. i'm currently looking down at a bag of sour skittles and waiting for the right moment to attack (after-lunch snack-time?).

with all this candy, one may worry about gaining weight. however, our lovely gregorian calendar gives us a whole lotta days before we have to squeeze into our slutty, bondage-kitten costume again.

(wait, that only comes in a woman's?)

the news, which utilized this masquerading opportunity and dressed up like a media form that cares, spent a good portion of the last month tackling the most important issue facing americans:

inappropriate halloween outfits.

the daily collegian's mary kanaskie, who would probably agree that a domestic worker's paycheck should be distributed in the form of a sexy outfit, like such,
wrote an interesting article on the subject:

Local stores are capitalizing on the occasion with racy accessories and provocative costume lines, such as Legg Avenue, which is completely centered on the suggestive.
(the daily collegian, "http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/2006/10/10-31-06tdc/10-31-06dnews-02.asp")

groucho-interjection: my favorite part of legg avenue is the intersection! nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

it's true: many halloween costumes do center on the suggestive. take a look at this electrifying outfit:

if my education in literary analysis has taught me anything, it's that this outfit makes one simple assertion: women hold the power.

so listen up, mary: this costume is more than just an educational means of teaching electricians about procreation (and kinky sexual acts such as the "top socket"), it's a reversal of archaic gender roles.

'nuff said.

however, if satirizing a misogynistic society isn't the direction you wanted to head in with your outfit, take a look at the next two examples:

these may be a little too "high-brow" for some of you reeds, so i'll break it down: the penis is the key with which you unlock a woman--via the vagina. and the way bolts and nuts work together is that you have to screw the nut on the bolt. so, guys, if your lover is willing to don a gaping hole as an outfit, you can insinuate to a room full of people that you two are having sex (or "screwing," get the pun?) by having a not-so-subtly phallic giant bolt coming from your crotch.

got it? good.

so, what is my opinion on the overt sexuality of specific halloween costumes? well, since i whole-heartedly promote equal rights between men and women, i say we "sex-up" the guys' costumes too, rather than making the women's outfits less risqué. this way, we'll have a HOTTER america.

instead of discussing other news items, such as john kerry's supposed "botched joke," or CVS buying caremark for about 21.3 billion dollars, i'll end today's post by saying happy birthday to my good friend adam-reed:

happy birthday, adam!

today, he turns 23, which i lovingly refer to as "the year of the jordan":
look at that jordan fly.

enjoy your day of celebration, and your year of being referred to as "dr. jam."

the rest of you reeds have a slam-dunk of an evening. boomshakalaka!

two treats for the price of one

2006-10-31T08:53:00.000-05:00

good morning, you ghoulish reeds you, and welcome to a special halloween installment of tiny damaged notions!

today's the day where you can eat lots of candy, listen to bauhaus & the misfits (1977-1983 misfits only, obviously), and, i've learned, get away with wearing black nail polish to work.

if any of you spooky individuals need a halloween costume, you should consider going as an ugly, drooling, bald headed ogre:
apparently, down in new zealand, they call this thing "a fish" rather than "the ugliest thing ever." probably a dialectal thing; you know, like how down there, "fanny" is slang for vagina. which explains why fanny packs may have never caught on in new zealand;

or the idiom expressing surprise: "well, slap my fanny with your phallic hand!"

(wait--did i get that right?)

yesterday, i found out that you lovely lads and lad-ettes that i refer to as "reeds" actually enjoy reading this little time-wasting column. this is wonderful news, as i was beginning to wonder whether or not i should even be friends with you all. now i know i should. thank you for that confirmation.

sarah, one of the two aspiring dietitian reeds, stepped up to the challenge of analyzing the "balls of gross" i spoke of yesterday. she informed me, via comment, of another wonderful american invention:

"Baseball's Best Burger," as the Grizzlies call it, will consist of a hamburger topped with cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon — all between a "bun" made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed donut.

no, the grizzlies spoken of aren't real bears out to kill humans by clogging our arteries. they're southwest illonois' minor league baseball team the gateway grizzlies,
who offer to make "summer memories" by helping you induce vomiting the way that only a 1000-calorie-and-45-gram-of-fat donut burger can.

yum.

sarah-reed also gave me a mission:

go out for a baseball's best and some coke balls and let me know if these are actually tasty or if these people are just trying to make foods that should only be eaten by starving children in africa for shock value.

sarah: done. while i will not seek out any of these gross food items (road trip to a donut burger anyone?), i shall ingest said snacks if i come across them. although, i must admit that i probably will not find them at all tasty.

matt-reed also commented on the two posts preceding this one, and his words are as funny as they are eloquent. i recommend hitting that little comment button at the bottom of the post and checking them out. one particularly noteworthy sentiment he discusses pertains to the word "reed" itself:

i for one am only reading this until someone picks me out, straps me to some sort of mouthpiece, and blows me until i make music.

well put, good fellow.

that will be all for today. your homework: prevent vandalism throughout the country and world by promoting fun, wholesome activities. my homework: watch horror movies with friends.

in the end, your work will be remembered. trust me.

make sure to ghoul it up on mount ghoul today, everyone.

ghoul, ghoul, ghoul!

no sleep till deep fried!

2006-10-30T09:06:00.000-05:00

good morning, reeds. it's 9am and i'm wide awake, at work, and ready to give you another installment of tiny damaged notions--so set your alarms and put on your reading glasses 'cause here comes a barrage of literary goodness!

a special reed named kristen showed me this interesting article yesterday:i know what you're thinking: that's not an article--those look like fuzzy testicles in a plastic cup.

erotic as that may sound, i'm afraid you're wrong in the tastiest way possible:finally someone took the initiative to deep fry coca-cola, put more coca-cola on top, and top that with whipped cream, cinnamon sugar, and a cherry. it's america x 10 + a big cup of kick-ass.

unfortunately, in this case that equation will end with "= vomiting."

the cherry on top almost makes it sound innocent, as if it were 1954 and i were getting my date one of these at the malt shop.

"yeah, and bring us an order of 'balls of gross,' please. with two cherries on top."

they should have just dipped more coca-cola in a deep fryer, and poured grenadine on it. maybe that's why they're premiering it in fairs--so some genius can give the unhealthy bastards who made this item that lovely tip before they mass produce it.

also, check the bottom of that article: you can rate the picture. out of 653 votes, it came up average. this means that the general consensus of yahoo! viewers find deep fried balls of coca-cola a pretty normal thing.

i know there are at least two reeds out there who are aspiring dietitians, so give me your opinion via comment!

that latest ramble may have been at least partially induced by my current drowsy state. going to bed late and waking up early is all a part of "college life" i'm afraid--even though i don't dorm, nor did my current lack-of-sleep have anything to do with academia. however, i'd still like to blame it if possible.

a study done by the naughtily titled daily gamecock,whose logo of a red flaming bird dry-humping a capital "G" in no way dilutes the credentials of the publication, unearthed this little factoid:

Out of the 24 hours in the day, most college students report they only spend six sleeping...Although poor sleep habits are normal among college students, many fear this will be detrimental in the future. Doctors say these habits can lead to depression, poor performance in school, stress or insomnia. College students, on the other hand, say poor sleep habits are just another part of college life.
(the daily gamecock, "http://www.dailygamecock.com/home/index.cfm?event=displayArticle&ustory_id=1f0ef1db-404b-4f28-bd14-e7ed9fb081e1")

depression, poor performance, stress, and insomnia? pssshhhh. nothing defines "college life" quite as well as hating yourself for failing your classes after you stayed up all night studying for them. those doctors wouldn't know what college was if it personally bought them all hemp necklaces, dave matthews tickets, and a couple kegs of beer.

college did that for me, and that's why i hate college.

"when 'crash' came on, i was on like my eighth corona so i didn't even realize bret stole my visor and threw it in the middle of the quad!"

that's all for this time, reeds. remember to deep-fry your sleepless sorrow to make it yumtastic!

saving ghouls with comedy

2006-10-29T10:59:00.000-05:00

yeah, that's ghouls n' ghosts; and yeah, me and my friend beat it yesterday.

i mean, what group of twenty-something year olds wouldn't keep their x-box on for nearly 24 hours so that their progress in the game would be saved while they slept? then call each other the next day, anxiously ready to get back into it?

yeah. damn right.

good morning, reeds. it's 11am on my mom's birthday (happy birthday, mom!), and welcome to another installment of tiny damaged notions.

last night at 2am, we showed ben franklin what's up by turning our clocks back an hour--putting an end to daylight saving time. that's right, everyone, it's daylight saving time. no "s." even though "learn-a-little saturday" is over, this wikipedia snippet is worth posting:

DST was first mentioned, in 1784, by Benjamin Franklin in a letter to the editors of the Journal of Paris.[1] However, as the article was humorous it is not clear whether Franklin was seriously proposing that the French adopt it, or simply that people should get up and go to bed earlier.
(wikipedia.com, "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylight_saving_time")

go ahead, debate the validity of the information due to it being from wikipedia. sure, it could be someone who just wrote in a bunch of crazy-crap and no one wants to disprove it. but i bring it up for another reason: specifically, if true, that second sentence there.

benjamin franklin is generally thought of as being the father of daylight saving time, and he could have been kidding? i wonder what things would exist in this world if i were as socially acclaimed as he, and my jokes turned into real-life events.

we'd have instituted an extra day after sunday where i don't have to work.
although, in general, i'd probably never have to work.
america would distribute jetpacks and hoverboards to all its citizens.
bagel stores would never be allowed to close, or stop serving egg sandwiches.

look at all those good ideas just waiting to come to fruition!

in other news, i'll be seeing these two funny men perform tonight at irving plaza. this means i'll be driving into manhattan. for those reeds out there who've never had the privilege of doing such, imagine a toy store during christmas time. every aisle is packed, and you're being thrusted around the store in a giant line of people. lots of people are angry, and yelling at one another. others are disrupting the traffic flow and blindly walking in front of you, or just generally stopping for no good reason at all. then, by the time you get to the area where the toy you were looking for is in(for this comparison, that'll be a parking spot), you'll notice that all of them have been taken. you walk around the section waiting for the sales clerk to periodically bring a new box out, but you're never in the right place at the right time, and the supply, once again, runs dry. eventually you get one, check out (that'll be doing whatever the hell you came into manhattan to do), and then leave--stating "i'll never do that again!"

but you do.

see? sounds fun doesn't it? still beats paying $19 for a round-trip train ticket.

that's all for now. i'm off to participate in some sort of birthday-goodness. all you reeds keep it hot on the streets.

learn-a-little saturday!

2006-10-28T11:46:00.000-04:00

good morning, reeds, and welcome to another issue, episode, installment, or post (whatever suits your fancy) of tiny damaged notions.

do you know what today is? it's "learn-a-little saturday"!

today, i'm getting a haircut. in reality, that means i'm getting several hairs cut. however "haircut" is a noun which implies this in its meaning. therefore, when people say to you "no, you're getting your hairs cut!" as a joke, you can tell them to grab a dictionary and shut the hell up! "i'm" is a contraction expressing subject & the 1st person singular present indicative of "be." "to get" is the verb, "a" is a cute little indefinite article, and "haircut" is the noun to which the verb applies. it's a perfectly logical sentence. hooray for syntax & semantics working side-by-side! what a kick-ass duo.

tonight i am also attending a halloween party. this means that me & several friends will be pretending we're people or things we're not while we ingest alcohol. i know what you're thinking, and no--i'm not just going to a club.

the similarities are striking, but the differences lie in the fact that i'll actually be enjoying myself around this group of phonies.

that's all for this educational post. this is your pilot of the reed-5000 wishing you all a swell saturday upon exiting.

yahoo! beta, reeds, & more fun

2006-10-27T11:49:00.000-04:00

hello readers (i may dub you "reeds" from now on. i hear slang is all the rage with the kids), and welcome to the second installment of TDN.

seeing as though i have given the world 12 whole hours to ingest my first blog, i assume that a number of questions have come up in the minds of the reeds (ooo, that's got a nice ring). i've created an FAQ from inquiries which i assume, had you guys not been too busy to write in, or read the post, would be--well--frequently asked:

Q: "is mike________*__" your real name?
A: almost! i use the underscore & asterisk after my real first name for no apparent reason. it's a nifty moniker, i feel.

Q: what's with the blog's name?
A: back when i was voted "the most popular kid in any high school, ever," i would daydream about being in a sketch comedy troupe. the name i used in my daydream was, you guessed it, "tiny damaged notions"--which i took from a poster i had in my room at the time. now that i have a sketch comedy troupe with a name i equally love ("the square foot"! so nice), i decided to use TDN for this blog.

Q: what's with the lower-case?
A: while typing, i often forget to capitalize words. i'm not against capitalization (you'll notice when i use an acronym, such as TDN, i capitalize for clarity), but i decided since i'd forget more often than i would remember to hit that super-sly shift key, i'd just oust it most of the time.

Q: tell me a little about yourself...
A: no! plus, that's not a question--it's a command (how dare you command something of me!). ultra-plus, that's an improper use of ellipses. here's a quick definition from the ever-so-useful dictionary.com:

The omission of a word or phrase necessary for a complete syntactical construction but not necessary for understanding.
(dictionary.com, "http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ellipses")

eat that biographical tidbit, jerks!

that'll be all for the Q&A portion. if any of you real people have a question, post it in a comment! i'll discuss it with not only you, but with the excessively large audience which my blog has.

speaking of comments, i have a few which pertain to the new yahoo! mail system, "yahoo! mail beta," which i signed up for. check out the layout given to me each time i log in:

the notification that i have no new messages is no more of a shock than yahoo!'s broken-linked advertisement. sad as it may be, we're left to imagine both what my friends may be aching to tell me, and what kind of love is in store for me, only a click away, thanks a specific online dating service (dare i say, TRUE LOVE!!!).

nerd-interjection: that link's as broken as time walk! nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!

now, here's the useful little yahoo!-beta man. he's informing me that i can get news delivered straight to my mailbox--just like in real life! he even offers to show me how it works.

i'm assuming that link is also broken, as i need to look no further than my mail's "home page" setting to get important news updates.

like it or not, i'm forced to read yahoo's news--or at least give it a cursory glance--before i click off the "home page" and onto my inbox. it's sorta like when you go to the doctor: logging into yahoo! mail is like the initial waiting room. once my password is accepted, nurse HTTP walks me into the cold, white room where i wait for New Mail, M.D.--and this extra clicking of my inbox is that uncomfortable wait while you mentally go over the symptoms you're about to give the doctor.

"so, i woke up tuesday with a sore throat, and then my arm started hurting towards the night. can i be tested for herpes?"

apparently iran is expanding their nuke program. hey, speaking of ellipses, check out those ones at the bottom! properly used, and leaving us, as most news attempts to do, in fear of the cliffhanger: "sending a defiant message??!? to whom?!"

my guess is jessica alba, since she appears in the opposite corner:

celebs in my inbox?!?!! yahoo! must have been monitoring my dreams if they know about my fantasy of building a giant mailbox-shaped home where jessica alba and i can raise our children.

oh, and we'd make it nuke-proof too. that way the news can't scare our beautiful offspring.

that's all from this end. thanks, reeds.

it begins!

2006-10-27T00:32:00.000-04:00

hello readers (that's you--the friends i've forced to read this), welcome to my exciting blog!

since my life is extremely interesting, i figured that i would create a blog documenting all the wonderful things that exist within it, or that i notice happening around it.

(exciting, extremely, wonderful? with all those word-modifiers this has gotta be good!)

as for now, it is late, and work awaits me in the morning. so i'll make this short.

why am i up this late, you ask?

the movie slither was released this past tuesday, and i watched it with some friends today.

how was it, you ask?

starpulse.com was nice enough to supply an adequate review of the movie, sandwiched between this lovely advertisement of jessica simpson & her winning smile:

and this wonderful notification that i will soon be missing a brand new season of MTV's yo momma.

no, i did not hit play on her ad. her eyes were doing their best to lure me into proactiv solution, but i fought temptation to get this review to you--the reader.

but, advertisements aside, here was starpulse's review:
A rowdy crowd pleaser that more than makes up for its lack of genuine scares and real tension by offering an amusing barrage of gooey, gory thrills that are sure to have even squeamish viewers giggling with queasy delight
(starpulse.com, "http://www.starpulse.com/Movies/Slither/Reviews/")

that's pretty dead on in my book. and my book is bound nicely.

you can't argue with that.

signing off on what is technically friday, october 27, 12:44am--this is mike wishing you all a happy new year, 1993!