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howdy ya'll. it's early in the mo'nin on this here tuesday, december 12th, and i welcome everybody to another installment of tiny damaged notions!
adam-reed gives us this breaking news from ABC:
psssh, big deal. i've been writing "your daughter's a slut" on bathroom walls for years now.
i speak in jest. however, this mother sure didn't feel like joking around when her disney-approved shimmering lights ariel doll called her daughter a slut.
want to hear it for yourself? click this link to go to the news article. there's a link to the video on the left column.
i was honestly expecting worse. it sounds like a malfunction.
is it bad that i was hoping someone would have recorded themselves yelling "YOU'RE A SLUT!" into the doll itself? at least that would be entertaining news.
so, when the doll isn't deriding your chastity, what's it saying?
Normally, the doll says the phrases, "Your sparkles are so beautiful," "Life is the bubbles" and "You're a wonderful friend." It also hums a song without words.
(abc news, "http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=2714761&page=1")
"life is the bubbles?"
what the hell does that even mean? are kids saying this nowadays?
"yo man did you catch that excellent sports game the other night?"
"yeah, it was the bubbles, bro. our favorite local sports team won!"
apparently, the doll started saying that naughty phrase after the little girl kept pressing the button--skipping all these other phrases--to get to the song without words. while skipping phrases, it can say a string of words which sounds like "you're a slut!"
this whole thing sent me back to my lovely days at toys r us, and not only because i've sold many a disney doll in my day, but because of this green guy:
that's the leapfrog alphabet pal caterpillar.
this cutesy crawler helps teach your child about the alphabet in a number of different ways. that horizontal slit on his neck changes the mode of learning. one mode says the letter, one says the phonetic sound the letter makes in the english language, and there's another mode i forgot.
when you go on the phonetic sound mode, letter's like "F" make a "fffffff" sound. this is all fine, except when you follow it with the "ckkkkkkkk" sound of the "K."
in this original green model, that made the caterpillar say "ffffffckkkkkkk" which, as one could imagine, sounded suspiciously like "fuck." this meant that all us sales associates on the floor would walk around with the toy and show all the other non-manager employees.
eventually, leapfrog caught on, and issued a new version:
this sassy purple caterpillar no longer said that naughty word. now when you tried to phonetically make it say "F" and "K" back to back, it said "fffffff, hehehehe, that tickles! ckkkkkkkk." they also changed the sound of the "D" to make "D" and "K" sound more like "duck" and less like "dick."
if i still worked in toys r us, i guarantee there'd be one of these ariel dolls open in the back, and every employee (manager included) would try his or her hand at getting it to call them a slut.
what a good job that was.
but back to the article: what did mattel think of this little blooper?
well, they're not going to recall any of the dolls, since there was only one instance of vulgarity that came spewing out of this underwater princess. plus, as they put it, "sometimes, this type of controversy makes a toy all the more desirable."
looks like my "filth-mouth frank" doll is gonna fit right in with this year's holiday output!
"hey, dickhead! you suck!"
"i think you smell like my asshole!"
those are just some of the phrases youngins can giggle over as they learn a valuable part of any language: vulgarity.
let's move on--to gross sea creatures!
check this guy out:
This undated handout photo provided by the Census of Marine Life shows a Kiwa hirsuta, the Yeti crab, a new species found near Easter Island.
(happynews.com, "http://www.happynews.com/news/12112006/scientists-marvel-sea-life-miles-deep.htm")
happynews.com has a mission statement that no one can really mock: "real news. compelling stories. always positive."
the news is all-too-often negative. many news channels try to instill fear in their readers and/or viewers in order to obtain ratings. much like how a hellfire sermon would be given to ensure strict loyalty from those listening (to prevent eternal damnation), normal news stations hope that viewers (or readers in the case of newspapers) will believe that their company is the only thing that can help them continue to lead a safe, happy life.
so kudos on attempting to turn this around, happynews.com.
although i don't really think a hairy crab is that happy. it's pretty damn gross to me (chris-reed, fire back a rebuttal!). crabs seemed fine without hair on them. now this just opens the door for many more STD jokes.
"hey, john, look what i discovered: it's a kiwa hirsuta--the yeti crab. it's got a layer of fur on it."
"yeah, frank, you would be familiar with discovering crabs covered with hair wouldn't you?? ::snicker::"
that's it for me, gang. i'll catch you wonderful reeds tomorrow. until then, have a slut-riffic tuesday, on me.
(pun?)
lookout, it's an over-fluffed bunny!
from now on he will be known as fluffius maximus, and he will be a mascot for tiny damaged notions.
notice how i used the indefinite article "a" rather than the definite article "the"? that means there's room for more! suggest other mascots & names for said mascots. if i likes em, i'll keeps em.
but, enough of that. it's wednesday, november 29th. take out those landing wheels because you're about to smooth your way into tiny damaged notions country!
naqi-reed has posted a comment that is interesting if true, and creative if false; but either way worth reading:
wal-mart hiring policy has always been uber-progressive. e.g. you will find yourself wandering in the back by "layaway", thinking about all the things you can lay-away, and before you know it, you will have stumbled into a training session, and then they think that you are supposed to be there, they give you your own cash register, and then they start paying you until you quit two weeks later. it was probably the best-worst [or borst] first job of my life that i didn't even want.
that does sound like a good example of a borst first job. my first job involved getting paid minimum wage to pack cosmetics into cases on an assembly line with a bunch of elderly women who would yell "BREAAAAAK!" at the top of their lungs whenever it was within 10 minutes of a designated break time.
the borst breakdown would be such:
worst: read that job description.
best: i listened to my milo goes to college tape on the way to and from work everyday.
my second job, which may be defined as the borst job i've held (since it mostly contains "worst") was at this place:
do you notice the way that glowing red underline extends past the building? i asked the assistant manager of my toys r us (TRU) location, and this is a summary of our conversation:
me: why does the red underline go further out past the storefront décor?
manager: to give it a 3D effect!
me: but it's a building.
manager: yeah.
me: it's already in 3D. it's a real life object.
manager: it's there to give it a 3D effect.
put that on repeat for about 2 minutes with increased frustration from myself (and take out a bit of the eloquence i've retrospectively given my speech), and you've got yourself a typical way i interacted with TRU ideology:
not well.
i spent my life from 2001-2002 and 2003-2005 employed by this big ol' toy store where the fun never stops (because you have to start in order to stop).
here's a blogger's response who experienced what life was like in the London TRU:
Although I find Toys R Us to be slightly cheaper for some toys than other toy stores, I find their customer service appalling. They will not let you return purchases without a receipt, and they stand by this.
(Groovee, "http://www.ciao.co.uk/Toys_R_Us_Shop__Review_5366080")
not my old store, groovee. we had a "policy" about receipts as you state, but if you bitched your little head off, you can get anything you want! that's the dirty little secret of any retail store: we all want you to shut the hell up and get out of our damn face! because i don't believe there was a single employee in that store who had a degree in psychoanalysis or grief counseling, therefore i don't think anyone particularly cared that you didn't get your way.
i know i wasn't getting my way. i was staying past midnight to clean your mess. so step aboard the disappointment train.
here's a quick rule: if you're nice, a store's employee will be nice back unless they are a prick. some people are, you can't help it. but it pays just to be nice since 99% of the people will be kind back.
if you're an asshole, well, expect snappy treatment back, because you're demanding stuff from people who have to clean up your mess all day. it's not my fault that you don't have a receipt, but it has become my fault that you told little timmy to "just leave [that toy he picked up from another area of the store] there!" and proceeded to throw it down in the wrong area.
thanks! i honestly couldn't wait to stay here until tomorrow cleaning your garbage.
here's more from groovee's experience:
Their staff.....[sic] all vary. Some seem to be very young and don't have any knowledge to help you. Some just seem completely thick and others are fantastic. I once asked for a certain toy which I knew my friend had bought there. I of course asked the thickest member of staff around who walked me round the store laughing, didn't make any attempt to find it and then left me there. He wasn't laughing when I demanded to speak to the manager and made a complaint.
that last line there sends me back. oh, how it sends me back.
i honestly laughed MORE when people asked to see a manager, since then it was out of my hands. so i didn't have to deal with complaining.
now, it seems like you, groovee, found yourself one of those "prick" type employees i mentioned earlier. if you were shopping during the season, chances are they were inexperienced and didn't honestly care. although this person may also be insane, since you say they were cackling to themselves while walking around the store.
if they are insane, that's tragic. however, if they're faking it, that's brilliant. i would often walk around my store staring at my hand, repeatedly saying (out loud) "45, 54, 63, 72, 81" and open my eyes as wide as i could only to never blink.
why did i do this? who the hell would want to ask that guy for help? most people didn't, because they thought i was weird or crazy. and i could care less what they think of me. the important part is that i didn't have to help.
"well, why is helping me so damn hard?!? that's your job!"
true, but anyone enveloped by an overwhelmingly stressful situation begins to perform certain actions which help reduce the stress of said situation. the only governor that counts once starred in a movie about the stress of a toy store during the holiday season:
the fact that a major motion picture was made on this topic means that this situation is one that ordinary citizens of the united states are expected to know and/or understand: gifts for children can be difficult to acquire during december due to the high demand for specific items and the high volume of customers in a store who want the item.
employees are the ones that most people looking for specific items to purchase go towards in order to maximize the efficiency of their personal shopping experience.
"do you have anymore 'shake me, dance me, elmo's in stock?"
what many shoppers tend not to realize, even though they know the demand is high, is that this particular item may already be sold out, and also that any or all employees working in that toy store may have already been asked this question several hundred times during the day.
"no, sorry, sir. we sold out of the elmos at around 11am this morning."
frustrated, many shoppers tend to vent towards the employee. sometimes specific personality types tend to express their frustration by talking down to the store, and using the employee as a catch-all representation of the store.
"how could you be out of it?? it's only two in the afternoon! can you check the back-room?"
while this conversation is taking place, most customers also neglect to see the many other customers already gathered around this helpless employee who already knows there is nothing in the back-room, but can read in your eyes that you want him to check regardless, because someone may have accidentally eaten a box in the morning and has now defecated the undigested and still-in-tact elmos in the back. and those people gathering around the employee like vultures towards the deceased have similar questions for the employee:
"when you're done with him, can you get something for me that's stocked above the top shelf?"
"excuse me, do you have any more micro-machines, or is it just what's out there?"
"i can't find the 'my little pony' section. can you walk me there?"
no matter who you are, your honest desire to help people becomes crushed under the non-stop barrage of questions. you feel pressured and stressed. you tell everyone you'll be with them in a minute, and you frantically run towards the back-room to get a free minute to think, to figure out whom to help next and how to help them, to imagine how glorious sleep will be when you get home at 3:30am, and to possibly listen to a back-room worker complain while you complain right back.
on your way to the back, you will probably get stopped by many other people who have many similar questions; and since these people don't fully know how many people you promised to help at the current moment, they, stressed from being in the store as well, will demand satisfaction.
so what can you do?
whip out that hand, and recite some numbers divisible by nine while never blinking.
worked almost every time.
and that's your daily tiny damaged notions! topped with a whole lot of sarcasm-fudge and insight-sprinkles.
don't forget to post mascots! (chris-reed, i know you're on it)
