no, ariel, you're the slut!

howdy ya'll. it's early in the mo'nin on this here tuesday, december 12th, and i welcome everybody to another installment of tiny damaged notions!

adam-reed gives us this breaking news from ABC:
psssh, big deal. i've been writing "your daughter's a slut" on bathroom walls for years now.

i speak in jest. however, this mother sure didn't feel like joking around when her disney-approved shimmering lights ariel doll called her daughter a slut.

want to hear it for yourself? click this link to go to the news article. there's a link to the video on the left column.

i was honestly expecting worse. it sounds like a malfunction.

is it bad that i was hoping someone would have recorded themselves yelling "YOU'RE A SLUT!" into the doll itself? at least that would be entertaining news.

so, when the doll isn't deriding your chastity, what's it saying?

Normally, the doll says the phrases, "Your sparkles are so beautiful," "Life is the bubbles" and "You're a wonderful friend." It also hums a song without words.
(abc news, "http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=2714761&page=1")

"life is the bubbles?"

what the hell does that even mean? are kids saying this nowadays?

"yo man did you catch that excellent sports game the other night?"
"yeah, it was the bubbles, bro. our favorite local sports team won!"

apparently, the doll started saying that naughty phrase after the little girl kept pressing the button--skipping all these other phrases--to get to the song without words. while skipping phrases, it can say a string of words which sounds like "you're a slut!"

this whole thing sent me back to my lovely days at toys r us, and not only because i've sold many a disney doll in my day, but because of this green guy:
that's the leapfrog alphabet pal caterpillar.

this cutesy crawler helps teach your child about the alphabet in a number of different ways. that horizontal slit on his neck changes the mode of learning. one mode says the letter, one says the phonetic sound the letter makes in the english language, and there's another mode i forgot.

when you go on the phonetic sound mode, letter's like "F" make a "fffffff" sound. this is all fine, except when you follow it with the "ckkkkkkkk" sound of the "K."

in this original green model, that made the caterpillar say "ffffffckkkkkkk" which, as one could imagine, sounded suspiciously like "fuck." this meant that all us sales associates on the floor would walk around with the toy and show all the other non-manager employees.

eventually, leapfrog caught on, and issued a new version:
this sassy purple caterpillar no longer said that naughty word. now when you tried to phonetically make it say "F" and "K" back to back, it said "fffffff, hehehehe, that tickles! ckkkkkkkk." they also changed the sound of the "D" to make "D" and "K" sound more like "duck" and less like "dick."

if i still worked in toys r us, i guarantee there'd be one of these ariel dolls open in the back, and every employee (manager included) would try his or her hand at getting it to call them a slut.

what a good job that was.

but back to the article: what did mattel think of this little blooper?

well, they're not going to recall any of the dolls, since there was only one instance of vulgarity that came spewing out of this underwater princess. plus, as they put it, "sometimes, this type of controversy makes a toy all the more desirable."

looks like my "filth-mouth frank" doll is gonna fit right in with this year's holiday output!

"hey, dickhead! you suck!"
"i think you smell like my asshole!"

those are just some of the phrases youngins can giggle over as they learn a valuable part of any language: vulgarity.

let's move on--to gross sea creatures!

check this guy out:

This undated handout photo provided by the Census of Marine Life shows a Kiwa hirsuta, the Yeti crab, a new species found near Easter Island.
(happynews.com, "http://www.happynews.com/news/12112006/scientists-marvel-sea-life-miles-deep.htm")

happynews.com has a mission statement that no one can really mock: "real news. compelling stories. always positive."

the news is all-too-often negative. many news channels try to instill fear in their readers and/or viewers in order to obtain ratings. much like how a hellfire sermon would be given to ensure strict loyalty from those listening (to prevent eternal damnation), normal news stations hope that viewers (or readers in the case of newspapers) will believe that their company is the only thing that can help them continue to lead a safe, happy life.

so kudos on attempting to turn this around, happynews.com.

although i don't really think a hairy crab is that happy. it's pretty damn gross to me (chris-reed, fire back a rebuttal!). crabs seemed fine without hair on them. now this just opens the door for many more STD jokes.

"hey, john, look what i discovered: it's a kiwa hirsuta--the yeti crab. it's got a layer of fur on it."
"yeah, frank, you would be familiar with discovering crabs covered with hair wouldn't you?? ::snicker::"

that's it for me, gang. i'll catch you wonderful reeds tomorrow. until then, have a slut-riffic tuesday, on me.

(pun?)