drugs, guns, and trump!

mubble, mubble, mubble. i'm tired.

i'm feeling alright. nothing fantastic.

so, with that disclaimer of fun out of the way, here's your wednesday, december 20th installment of tiny damaged notions!

andy-alliteration is back!

(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

"teary tara to keep her tiara." brilliant.

so, what's this story about? donald trump's fetish for eating human ears, and the subsequent pain it causes his prey?

don't let the picture fool you, it's actually about "miss USA." apparently, the hard-drinking, cocaine-snorting, wildly-promiscuous beauty queen is being allowed to keep her crown after--well, being all those things.

tara conner, the aforementioned miss USA, told reporters

I wouldn't say that I'm an alcoholic. I think that would be pushing the envelope.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

but that's a little vague, don't you think?

i mean, to understand that, you need to understand the idiom "pushing the envelope" as meaning "to exceed the existing limits in a certain field." then you have to put both parts of that thought together as meaning "i do not believe i am an alcoholic. i believe calling me an alcoholic is going too far."

donald trump, who owns the miss USA pageant, seems to agree with me on this one, as he was quoted saying:

I don't think she's denying she's an alcoholic...She can be a great example for troubled people - and she's troubled - for troubled people...that have problems with alcohol.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/481753p-405329c.html")

"who's denying what now? nah, she wasn't denying anything. she was talkin' 'bout envelopes."

so now the miss USA pageant takes another impressionable turn: showing "troubled people" that you can get away with clinging to your vices as long as you cry to a billionaire.

between that and anorexia/bulimia, i don't know why beauty pageants often have a negative light shone on them--do you?

in other news, check this out:

It doesn't matter if you've been naughty or nice, Suffolk [county, new york] police will still give you some cash for Christmas if you hand in a gun.

In the interest of getting guns off the streets and out of homes, the Suffolk County Police Department is offering residents who trade in their firearms up to $300.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/boroughs/story/481546p-405256c.html")

$300 per gun??

since i am a suffolk county resident for the time being, i need all you reeds to go donate your guns to me so that i can donate your guns to the suffolk county police department.

if you're questioning why you can't just hand in the guns yourselves and get the $300, it's because carrying a gun is a heavy responsibility--one that not everyone is ready for.

the second you obtain a firearm, you also obtain an evil enemy--sworn to take you down.

it's best if you just let me handle this one. trust me.

and for the final TDN tidbit, it's time for a quirky headline!
read the full story here. it's short, i promise.

you reeds have a lovely wednesday. if anyone wants to study for my german final, and then transfer the knowledge directly to my brain, let me know.

otherwise, i'm stealing your guns!