i'm dedicated & drunk. what a duo!

record-reed says:

Your commitment to TDN is waning. Unacceptable. You're musings are the only thing making my otherwise dreary life worth living.

Do you want to kill me, Mike?! Is that it!? FINE!!

::Dies::

I hope you're happy. I'm too dead to feel anything right now. Bastard.

oh, so my commitment is waning eh? well how's about this:

i've got 4 drinks coursing through my veins, and i haven't had enough food to make me feel any less than drunk, and i'm still posting.

eat it, record!

but no, he brings up a good point; it has seemed like my commitment is waning.

but it isn't, i assure you, reeds. it's just that my schedule lately hasn't allowed me large posts every day.

do i sound eloquent? i sure hope so. i feel like i've written enough essays that my brain can think as if i were writing one, even though my inhibitions have been lessened due to alcohol. that usually means eloquence gets thrown to the curb, but alas! i have that with as much vigor as i have my chastity and my ability to desire sleep!

so this post is wacky!

kristen-reed writes (via-IM):

i fucking hate them

i respond

you hate no one but bad vibes and anchovies

as i wait for her response, i'll talk.

so, danny devito was drunk on the view. he's probably drunk right now, if he's anything like me. but barbara walters didn't like that.

WHORE! why don't you embrace the fact that danny devs hangs out with the sexiest man alive (george clooney)?? i'd let danny devito be totally wasted on heroin on my show if he were shooting up with a hottie. so shut your mouth!

she apparently has though. she replied:

Despite DeVito's booze-fueled antics, Walters said she would not hesitate to have him back on the show.

kind of like how kristen-reed responded to my inebriated-inquires with

you haven't asked me anything lol. you are crazy when you drink and you are not SLEEPING!

i'll show you sleeping!

i'll show you so many Zzz's that i'll be shitting them out for a week!

that's a lot of profanity. if you don't like it, well, too bad. we're all adults so i can say "titty fuck poopy shit fuck face" and you can't do a thing about it.

way to go, adult-person. you made me curse on the blog that i haven't yet cursed on.

"wait, you cursed out TRU yesterday!"

oh yeah. since it's nothing new, i may as well keep it in. like how i'll keep my desire to sleep inside of me instead of allowing myself more than six hours before i go to work. i don't really mind work anyway, though; so i can't complain.

damn my very nice boss & co-workers for not making me mind going to work. damn them!

alright, i'm off, reeds. just know that i'm committed to this blog. as much as i can post, i will.

look how cute this guy is:

have a good night, everyone. i'm off to bedsville, pop: me.

only time for danny

why, hello there! it's thursday, november 30th, and welcome to the last tiny damaged notions post of november!

i wish i had something special for you guys, but instead i only have this notice:

i don't have much time!

so this is the post.

danny devito was drunk on the view. here's a link to check it out.

have a great thursday, reeds! i'm off.

fluffius maximus discusses his borst job ever!

lookout, it's an over-fluffed bunny!
from now on he will be known as fluffius maximus, and he will be a mascot for tiny damaged notions.

notice how i used the indefinite article "a" rather than the definite article "the"? that means there's room for more! suggest other mascots & names for said mascots. if i likes em, i'll keeps em.

but, enough of that. it's wednesday, november 29th. take out those landing wheels because you're about to smooth your way into tiny damaged notions country!

naqi-reed has posted a comment that is interesting if true, and creative if false; but either way worth reading:

wal-mart hiring policy has always been uber-progressive. e.g. you will find yourself wandering in the back by "layaway", thinking about all the things you can lay-away, and before you know it, you will have stumbled into a training session, and then they think that you are supposed to be there, they give you your own cash register, and then they start paying you until you quit two weeks later. it was probably the best-worst [or borst] first job of my life that i didn't even want.

that does sound like a good example of a borst first job. my first job involved getting paid minimum wage to pack cosmetics into cases on an assembly line with a bunch of elderly women who would yell "BREAAAAAK!" at the top of their lungs whenever it was within 10 minutes of a designated break time.

the borst breakdown would be such:
worst: read that job description.
best: i listened to my milo goes to college tape on the way to and from work everyday.

my second job, which may be defined as the borst job i've held (since it mostly contains "worst") was at this place:
do you notice the way that glowing red underline extends past the building? i asked the assistant manager of my toys r us (TRU) location, and this is a summary of our conversation:

me: why does the red underline go further out past the storefront décor?
manager: to give it a 3D effect!
me: but it's a building.
manager: yeah.
me: it's already in 3D. it's a real life object.
manager: it's there to give it a 3D effect.

put that on repeat for about 2 minutes with increased frustration from myself (and take out a bit of the eloquence i've retrospectively given my speech), and you've got yourself a typical way i interacted with TRU ideology:

not well.

i spent my life from 2001-2002 and 2003-2005 employed by this big ol' toy store where the fun never stops (because you have to start in order to stop).

here's a blogger's response who experienced what life was like in the London TRU:

Although I find Toys R Us to be slightly cheaper for some toys than other toy stores, I find their customer service appalling. They will not let you return purchases without a receipt, and they stand by this.
(Groovee, "http://www.ciao.co.uk/Toys_R_Us_Shop__Review_5366080")

not my old store, groovee. we had a "policy" about receipts as you state, but if you bitched your little head off, you can get anything you want! that's the dirty little secret of any retail store: we all want you to shut the hell up and get out of our damn face! because i don't believe there was a single employee in that store who had a degree in psychoanalysis or grief counseling, therefore i don't think anyone particularly cared that you didn't get your way.

i know i wasn't getting my way. i was staying past midnight to clean your mess. so step aboard the disappointment train.

here's a quick rule: if you're nice, a store's employee will be nice back unless they are a prick. some people are, you can't help it. but it pays just to be nice since 99% of the people will be kind back.

if you're an asshole, well, expect snappy treatment back, because you're demanding stuff from people who have to clean up your mess all day. it's not my fault that you don't have a receipt, but it has become my fault that you told little timmy to "just leave [that toy he picked up from another area of the store] there!" and proceeded to throw it down in the wrong area.

thanks! i honestly couldn't wait to stay here until tomorrow cleaning your garbage.

here's more from groovee's experience:

Their staff.....[sic] all vary. Some seem to be very young and don't have any knowledge to help you. Some just seem completely thick and others are fantastic. I once asked for a certain toy which I knew my friend had bought there. I of course asked the thickest member of staff around who walked me round the store laughing, didn't make any attempt to find it and then left me there. He wasn't laughing when I demanded to speak to the manager and made a complaint.

that last line there sends me back. oh, how it sends me back.

i honestly laughed MORE when people asked to see a manager, since then it was out of my hands. so i didn't have to deal with complaining.

now, it seems like you, groovee, found yourself one of those "prick" type employees i mentioned earlier. if you were shopping during the season, chances are they were inexperienced and didn't honestly care. although this person may also be insane, since you say they were cackling to themselves while walking around the store.

if they are insane, that's tragic. however, if they're faking it, that's brilliant. i would often walk around my store staring at my hand, repeatedly saying (out loud) "45, 54, 63, 72, 81" and open my eyes as wide as i could only to never blink.

why did i do this? who the hell would want to ask that guy for help? most people didn't, because they thought i was weird or crazy. and i could care less what they think of me. the important part is that i didn't have to help.

"well, why is helping me so damn hard?!? that's your job!"

true, but anyone enveloped by an overwhelmingly stressful situation begins to perform certain actions which help reduce the stress of said situation. the only governor that counts once starred in a movie about the stress of a toy store during the holiday season:
the fact that a major motion picture was made on this topic means that this situation is one that ordinary citizens of the united states are expected to know and/or understand: gifts for children can be difficult to acquire during december due to the high demand for specific items and the high volume of customers in a store who want the item.

employees are the ones that most people looking for specific items to purchase go towards in order to maximize the efficiency of their personal shopping experience.

"do you have anymore 'shake me, dance me, elmo's in stock?"

what many shoppers tend not to realize, even though they know the demand is high, is that this particular item may already be sold out, and also that any or all employees working in that toy store may have already been asked this question several hundred times during the day.

"no, sorry, sir. we sold out of the elmos at around 11am this morning."

frustrated, many shoppers tend to vent towards the employee. sometimes specific personality types tend to express their frustration by talking down to the store, and using the employee as a catch-all representation of the store.

"how could you be out of it?? it's only two in the afternoon! can you check the back-room?"

while this conversation is taking place, most customers also neglect to see the many other customers already gathered around this helpless employee who already knows there is nothing in the back-room, but can read in your eyes that you want him to check regardless, because someone may have accidentally eaten a box in the morning and has now defecated the undigested and still-in-tact elmos in the back. and those people gathering around the employee like vultures towards the deceased have similar questions for the employee:

"when you're done with him, can you get something for me that's stocked above the top shelf?"

"excuse me, do you have any more micro-machines, or is it just what's out there?"

"i can't find the 'my little pony' section. can you walk me there?"

no matter who you are, your honest desire to help people becomes crushed under the non-stop barrage of questions. you feel pressured and stressed. you tell everyone you'll be with them in a minute, and you frantically run towards the back-room to get a free minute to think, to figure out whom to help next and how to help them, to imagine how glorious sleep will be when you get home at 3:30am, and to possibly listen to a back-room worker complain while you complain right back.

on your way to the back, you will probably get stopped by many other people who have many similar questions; and since these people don't fully know how many people you promised to help at the current moment, they, stressed from being in the store as well, will demand satisfaction.

so what can you do?

whip out that hand, and recite some numbers divisible by nine while never blinking.

worked almost every time.

and that's your daily tiny damaged notions! topped with a whole lot of sarcasm-fudge and insight-sprinkles.

don't forget to post mascots! (chris-reed, i know you're on it)

who's your mentor, and does she wear underwear?

hot diggity-damn, it's tuesday! it's november 28th! and, as one would rightfully assume, it's a new tiny damaged notions!

first order of business: i would like to address an issue that chontel-reed spoke about here, and gabby-reed brought to my attention in a non-linkable area: they say that TDN is not the fourth thing up on google!

well, they're right (gasp!), but only if you don't put quotation marks. i neglected to mention that i had put these little punctuation rascals around "tiny damaged notions" because i forgot that people search the web doing otherwise. rather than get into a debate about the advantages of this search style, i'll just label this folly as my mistake. so, in the future, if you've ever forgotten the link, be sure to add these guys: " "

i digress. onwards towards topical topic number two!

now that commercialization has forced the holiday season upon us already, it's time we all started thinking about what we want as gifts for the upcoming holidays we may celebrate.

at my age, practical things like socks and underwear isn't frowned upon, but rather appreciated. when i was a kid, i hated getting any form of clothing--i wanted toys. eventually, most of us mature and start buying our own toys, often looking towards a loved one, or mom and dad, for those practical things to stock up on.

some of us, however, always rebel against acquiring these items. an example is the recently divorced britney spears, who is protesting the whole "underwear idea" in a subtle, yet powerful way:

On Nov. 22, cameras caught Spears, the recently separated pop star and mother of two, in a leopard-print minidress so short it revealed her underwear. Two days later, Spears was photographed getting out of a car in a hiked-up miniskirt. This time, her underwear was nowhere to be found.
(abc news, "http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=2681885&page=1")

notice that it was on black friday--the commercial start of christmas--that spears decided to ditch the underwear.

she's got a classy way of protesting.

but for all the applause which she deserves for taking a stand slowly and without underwear, i for one just can't picture spears as a ringleader. who's chief of this operation?

[paris hilton's representative, elliott] Mintz says that the 24-year-old Spears "looks up to" the 25-year-old Paris and that she's "extremely grateful" that Paris has taken her under her wing.
(tmz.com, "http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/27/britney-paris-is-my-role-model/")

aha! i should have known!

the ringleader of this underwearless, flashing, cleavage-exposing, no-bra-wearing, lack-of-moral brigade is none other than time magazine's "smartest person to ever exist and which will ever exist," paris hilton!

now, normally this blog contains pictures. to keep TDN relatively clean though, i refrained from posting any. you guys can either search google (i almost used it as a verb!) yourselves, or use your imagination--but i'm not lying: they're really friends.

and what better person to be your role model? i don't see mahatma gandhi being given a key to las vegas, and a day named in his honor (what?)

and did anyone ever stop to think that maybe this dynamic duo of debauchery is just what america needs right now? i mean, for years lonely boys across this country have searched the internet for "britney spears naked" (both with and without quotations marks) and been given a fat slice of disappointment-pie with only badly photoshopped images. now that britney's on the paris hilton fast & easy (pun) track to success, you can get all the perverse images you want of her exiting a car with her genitalia as overexposed as her musical career.

so let's hear it for america's new elegant sweethearts!
(who ever said that leopard print is tacky?)

in another quick celeb blurb, guess what i found out thanks to thebosh.com?
jake gyllenhaal? DAMMIT! you reeds were supposed to use your powers of persuasion to show reese how awesome it would be to be with me!

i'll forgive you if you simply land me in the leading role of their new picture rendition. maybe then i can show her how chic and sexy i am.

alright reeds, get to making that happen. i'm off to do a bunch of crazy stuff like eat and shop for a tie (living it up!). have a fantastic tuesday night, everyone! and remember that when exiting TDN, underwear is optional.

wal-mart's such a ham!

wow, where have i been?

good morning, reeds! it's monday, november 27th, and welcome to your long overdue installment of tiny damaged notions!

so, let me explain a bit:

i love this blog. it's a lot of fun for me to do, and i appreciate all the love it gets from everyone. sometimes, however, i'll have a busy day, or a couple packed-out days in a row, and then my posting becomes, well, irregular. as you've seen, sometimes i post late, or don't post much (or, in the case of this weekend, at all).

the reason is that this little blog takes a good long while to prepare. i know its sexy ultra-readable format would probably make it seem as though these babies flow directly out of me stream-of-consciousness style, but they, in fact, take a good 2-3 hours each. maybe that's just me being edit-happy, or over-enthusiastic about the finished product, but either way it's usually a process i love being a part of.

friday's post was short, and it was supposed to be a part I. i'll save part II for this friday since i never ended up posting this weekend. i've been debating weekend posts. they may become occasional, or perhaps not exist at all. this weekend, i can say, that i probably won't be able to post. it seems most of you reeds enjoy this during the week (although a few had asked me where the posts were yesterday), so i don't think this should be that much of a loss. although, i know TDN makes up a good portion of your life, so any loss is a substantial one!

ok? well, i'm glad that's all settled. now without further ado: let's talk about crap!

so, i know most of you were probably so distraught from the lack of tiny damaged notions in your life, that you probably didn't even notice it was ::drumroll:: ::cue evil sounding orchestral hits:: the busiest shopping weekend of the year!!!

i've got news from the source with the biggest peacock:

Millions of Americans hit the shops over the weekend, spending more than last year, as the Christmas rush kicked off after Thanksgiving, but a fall in sales at Wal-Mart raised concerns about the strength of retail.
(msnbc, "http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15918962/")

hmmmm. so americans spent more money shopping this year, but since wal-mart didn't have strong sales, that means we should question retail?

yes! of course it means we should question retail! wal-mart's november sales were down by 0.1% on the same month last year!

wow, 0.1% down. that's like winning $100 but losing a dime. i know i'd be pissed.

did someone say "ham"?

no, no one sa...

well, honeybakedfoods inc. is recalling a lot of potentially tainted ham.

"tainted with what?"

listeria: which can cause nausea, headaches, diarrhea, and fever. not to be confused with its vocab-cousin "hysteria," which can cause dance fever, and a diarrhea of good times.

honeybakedfoods inc. wants you gumshoes to be on the lookout for the following codes:

Ham codes - 6261 to 6310 (including all numbers in between)
Glazed Turkey Breast codes - 6248 to 6258 (including all numbers in between)

deli-meat has codes?

anyways, getting back to wal-mart, the american family association (AFA) had decided to boycott wal-mart due to the company's "aggressively pro-homosexual agenda."

aggressively pro-homosexual agenda? that would explain their odd application:
riight. i was wondering what that was all about when i applied to be one of their drones.

apparently, the AFA not only holds the loving opinion that homosexuality is evil, but they claim that the 0.1% drop in sales was their doing:

Could this be a result of the threatened boycott of Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club (which is owned by Wal-Mart) stores by hundreds of thousands of Christians mobilized by the American Family Association...Apparently so. After the boycott announcement went out, even before the date of the planned boycott, sales dropped enough for Wal-Mart to reverse its Pro-Homosexual position...In response, the AFA withdrew its request for a boycott.
(webcommentary.com, "http://www.webcommentary.com/asp/ShowArticle.asp?id=barrettt&date=061127")

"reverse its pro-homosexual position."

why, that sounds dirty, AFA.

what they were referring to that stopped their massive organization from causing wal-mart to lose more dimes was an official statement wal-mart made in regards to their aggressive pro-gay agenda:

Wal-Mart will not make corporate contributions to support or oppose highly controversial issues unless they directly relate to our ability to serve our customers.
(walmartfacts.com, "http://www.walmartfacts.com/articles/4617.aspx")

this means that wal-mart won't sell anything pro-gay (unless there is a large percentage of homosexual shoppers in a specific area where the AFA doesn't dare to go).

wal-mart also went on to say that they don't have a stance on gay marriage, but they value diversity amongst their employees, and are against discrimination everywhere.

way to cover all your bases, wal-mart. you're like a victorian woman--insomuch as we're barely able to tell what you look like beneath your thick, protective layers of corporate bullshit.

good luck with that 0.1% loss. try not to mortgage park-place yet. i think "go" is right around the corner.

well, i'm spent. all you reeds have a wonderful monday! go out and bust some gates, black friday style:

part I: tomatina!

happy post-thanksgiving, reeds! it's friday (woo!), november 24th, and welcome to a craaaaazzy installment of tiny damaged notions!

what makes it so craaaaazzy? it's wiki-licious friday!

but i don't have much time. so, i'll try my best to conjoin minimalism and funny

today's topic comes from brittany-reed:

If you don't have any other topics lined up, you should write about "La Tomatina," the large annual tomato fight in Spain - because I'm obsessed with it. And, it has a wikipedia page, I've already checked.

well, thanks for doing half the work for me!
(all information below: "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Tomatina")

the glorious and all-knowing wikipedia tells us "La Tomatina is a festival held on a Wednesday towards the end of August in the town of Buñol in the Valencia region in Spain."

buñol, eh? here's what wikipedia had to say about that place:
wow. how exciting.

so, basically an assload (tens of thousands) of participants come from all over the world to battle in the streets with more than one hundred metric tons of over-ripe tomatoes.

check it out:
you think that's dirty? well, at around 11am the first event of tomatina begins, where "A ham is placed upon a cockaigne pole."

a cockaigne pole? what's that, wikipedia?

a large, greased pole

oh.

::snicker, snicker::

ok, ok. back to the point. i don't have much time.

ummm, so while this giant tomato battle has been a strong tradition since 1944 or 1945, no one's really that sure how it got started. here's some possibilities:

include a local food fight among friends, a juvenile class war, a volley of tomatoes from bystanders at a carnival parade, a practical joke on a bad musician, the anarchic aftermath of an accidental lorry spillage

oh no, not LORRY SPILLAGE!!!

ack, i gotta go! you reeds have a great friday. sorry this post is lame. it'll spill over, and i'll finish tomorrow. get ready for part II!

gobble to the max!

happy thanksgiving, all you american reeds!

hmmm.

"a national holiday where much food is provided to ease the tension of an extended family being brought together under one roof; also used to provide conversation in an otherwise awkwardly silent room."

that sounds better.

have a great holiday!

get out your ink wells, it's TDN!

my home computer died yesterday, reeds. i'm looking at the hard drive right now, hoping i can salvage data.

my phone battery died about 20 minutes ago. its battery life is no more until i get home from work and charge it.

why does technology hate me?

well, that still won't stop me from giving you the wednesday, november 22nd, installment of tiny damaged notions!

katherine-reed sent me this creepy-crawlin' article from damninteresting.com:
our old friend danny double entendre is back! of course, this time, immaturely highlighted by yours truly.

apparently, these bugs are not only gross, but large too:

Adults commonly reach lengths of over thirty-five centimeters– the length of a man's forearm.
(damninteresting.com, "http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=605")

ew.

there's nothing particularly noteworthy in the rest of the article--unless you like gross bugs (chris-reed, i'm talking to you). if you'd like, you can check it out

("the world has many..." ::snicker, snicker::)

in much more important news, today i was the topic of my own narcissism when i searched google.com for "tiny damaged notions"; and look!

TDN is 4th! we're just out of bronze-range, reeds. but with your help, we can zoom up!

everyone type in "tiny damaged notions" onto google, and make sure to click on the link to TDN. if we get more hits than the mantis page showcasing the poster whose name we share, then we will be top dog.

and check it out, this blog is apparently so cool that google automatically has one of those sublinks to my post on the balls-of-gross. rockin' stuff.

from that last paragraph to this one, i left my job and came back home. i'm on a laptop. look at me go!

speaking of going, i am leaving. oh man, i know how to listen to verbs when they end sentences, don't i? yep. sure do.

sorry for the short post everyone, but i'm gonna go GET STUNG with adam- and sarah-reed. let's see what menu item she's got in store for me!

have a wonderful thanksgiving-eve, reeds. go make me proud and let's get our name up more on google!

down with grant, up with beowulf!

hey, reeds! quick, let's get ulysses s. grant while he's not looking!
YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL, GRANT! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!?!

it's always so nice to get a good zing in. thanks, ben burgraff, for that topical delight.

oh, and it's tuesday, november 21st, and this is a brand-new installment of tiny damaged notions!

i'm in a silly mood. very tired. apologize for the lack of coherence. sentence structure failing.

dr. jam informed me that 4head studios is going to be making "beowulf - the video game." don't know what beowulf is? well, let me honestly say that you are missing out on the epic old english poem.

this thing's got it all: an archaic form of english unreadable to modern day speakers, old germanic tribes, a monster, the monster's mommy, a dragon, and a king named hroðgar. if you ask for more, you are selfish and never will receive the beauty of freawaru, nor will you slay your enemies with the naegling--it will break in combat because your might is too strong! and that's because you are selfish. you sicken me. sicken me like grendel when he attacked the heorot.

currently, there are two beowulf movies in various stages of production. one is being directed by robert zemeckis, who also did the back to the future trilogy. the other, titled beowulf and grendel, has a website which posts the latest news blurbs pertaining to the film, such as:
nothing like a good old fashioned double entendre. sounds like my latest movie review:

"foot job well done: happy feet scores big in the box office!"

speaking of sexy, check this out!
so, chimps like the mature lady-chimps, eh? how risqué.

you can always smell good reporting from a mile away: "Now that is certainly a thing that separates us from them and makes us superior." anyone or anything that wants to have sex with an older mate as opposed to a younger one is certainly deserving of a lower status on the earth's hierarchy-of-awesome. way to point that out, and make your older readers feel even less valuable to society, playfuls.com.

did all you reeds know that today is not only the day that historical-nobody voltaire was born, but also the day that influential and legendary (and mom of my celeb crush number 2) hollywood star goldie hawn was born?! wow!

happy birthday, you two! make sure to share the cake. i'm not buying another one.

today is also ratification day in north carolina. back in 1789, north carolina became the 12th state when it ratified the US constitution. way to go, NorCal. although my state ratified the constitution on july 26, 1788--over a year before you guys. so EAT IT!

here's an artist's depiction of that moment:
alright, reeds. that's all the time i have for today. you all have a super-amazing-to-the-max ratification day! go make your own caricature of ulysses s. grant. sounds like a great way to spend your tuesday!

remember to post your ideas for this wiki-licious friday!

it's not boring, it's just really dry wit!

good evening, you reed-tastic individuals, and welcome to your monday, november 20th, installment of tiny damaged notions!

how's everyone feeling today?

if you didn't answer "patriotic," then maybe you should get the hell out of our country!

typo-pranksters reuters.com reported that an influential democratic lawmaker recently called for reinstatement of the draft "as a way to boost U.S. troop levels and draw a broader section of the population into the military or public service."

ahh, the draft. glad the democrats are using their power for good: e.g., by trying to top the high citizen-dissatisfaction levels the republicans had going.

the soon-to-be-popular charles rangel, who is also the incoming chairman of the house of representatives' tax-writing committee (wow, this guy knows how to pick popular platforms), is the one calling for the draft to once again imprison card-burning college students.

reuters.com took a break from typing "Queen Elizabeth" into all of its stories to report this unroyal excerpt:

Rangel, who opposed the 2003 invasion of Iraq, also said he did not think the United States would have invaded Iraq if the children of members of Congress were sent to fight. He has said the U.S. fighting force is comprised disproportionately of people from low-income families and minorities.

"I don't see how anyone can support the war and not support the draft. I think to do so is hypocritical," he said.
(reuters.com, "http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=politicsNews&storyID=2006-11-19T174004Z_01_N19349552_RTRUKOC_0_US-USA-POLITICS-DRAFT.xml&WTmodLoc=PolNewsHome_C1_%5BFeed%5D-8")

hmmm. let's have some fun, shall we?

our old friend eddie ellipsis can help us expose a well hidden contradiction:

Rangel, who opposed the 2003 invasion of Iraq...said..."I don't see how anyone can support the war and not support the draft."

but not supporting the war means keep the draft coming!

honestly though, it's like i always say: "if you don't like something that's going on, just make sure more innocent people die." always helps.

i really don't have much else. i'm pretty swamped at work, and tonight i'm going to see regina spektor. let's see what we can do.

ok, how about: news in one word! a segment where i post a bunch of headlines and, since i'm in a rush, sum it up in one word!

ok, ready?

GO!
typecast
logical
finally
home!

i'm off, reeds. go ahead, write slanderous comments to me about how i've been slacking lately. you'd be right. in the meantime, this is your captain wishing you goodnight, and good luck sailing to that moon!

a sneeze, some oj, and a couple typos

goooood evening, muwahahahaha!

it is sunday, november 19th, and i just got back from some holiday shopping (hooray for holidays!). welcome to a brief sunday installment of tiny damaged notions!

"brief?"

many reeds do not even know i do this on weekends. so i figured i'd start out with expectations low, and then wow you all with an amazing post! (that last part is still in the works. keep your fingers crossed)

naqi-reed, who knows a thing or two about that whole medical field himself, responded to the sneezegasm issue presented a couple days prior:

i have a feeling that dr. rich is getting rich off of his rich descriptions of sneezegasms. in reality, his statement is not really an answer to anything. sneezing is *not* like an orgasm. different neuro pathways work for the two. BUT people have been known to sneeze in *response* to orgasms, so i guess therein lies the folly. [ladies, i'm not really this big a nerd in real life, i swear.]

i believe you, naqi; about the nerd thing that is. as for your science-loving answer of "different neuro pathways," well, i'll take your word for it. however, i do have one question for you then, mr. negative-pants: how come i find nothing more arousing than a well-crafted sneeze?

(is it getting creepy yet?)

and no, i'm not just "a weirdo with an extremely odd fetish," so don't even go there. why don't you go tell the pornographic publication "scarlet sneezegasms" that they're not related. hmmmm?!? see what they say!

(ok, now it's creepy)

in other news, people are apparently appalled by o.j. simpson's book "if i did it," which "hypothetically" describes the two brutal murders many believe him to be responsible for. there's an online petition, which i signed (being one of those appalled individuals) at a site called don'tpayoj.com. the sites asks its visitors to,

sign the petition below and let it be known that you do not, and will not, support any entity that assists and encourages a murderer to profit from his crimes. By signing the petition, you are sending a message to the people that are profiting themselves and who are helping a killer spew his verbal garbage and continue to disrespect the memories of Ron and Nicole and ALL victims of crime.
(Don'tPayOJ.com, "http://www.dontpayoj.com/index.php")

makes sense. don't support a murderer gaining profit from his crimes. check.

that means all you reeds should cancel your holiday orders of dingo boots too.

hey, check out what i found on google.com's news section!
it's a typo! hooray!

the word "typo" is used in informal speech, and is short for "typographical error." a typographical error is defined as:

an error in printed or typewritten matter resulting from striking the improper key of a keyboard, from mechanical failure, or the like.
(dictionary.com, "http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=typographical%20error")

thanks dictionary.com! you're the best.

now, i abhor typos due to the way they butcher language; however, at the same time, i find them funny! look at how cute that is: they forgot the space!

for your amusement, i went on a lengthy search for good typos, and thanks to metro.co.uk, i found this little bit of typo-fun:

A round of applause, then, to Reuters, who manged to take the typo to new levels today, with an online article about the genetics of honey bees which claimed that Queen Elizabeth lays up to 2,000 eggs a day. Somehow, every time they meant to refer to the queen bee, the phrase 'Queen Elizabeth' was substituted instead.
(metro.co.uk, "http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=22770&in_page_id=2")

amazing! and they even had a picture up. check it out:
wow, that's pretty good.

it can happen to anyone really:
i mean, microsoft word just has that tempting find/replace feature. who can truly resist its charm?!

alright, well that's all for today's TDN post. so i guess it wasn't that brief after all! i guess instead of disappointing everyone, i've just shown how big a liar i really am.

win some, lose some, i suppose.

have a wonder-tastic sunday, reeds! i'll see you bright and early for tomorrow's installment. gO m4K3 5Om3 7YpO5 phOR M3H

(and i don't really have a sneezing fetish. i swear!)

music loving smelly toads demand more shanklish!

happy saturday, reeds! we've made it to the pinnacle of the weekend. the day of days. the merit of the month. the yodeler of the year.

but even though today, this november 18th, rocks harder than a bon jovi cover band on a mountain of rock candy
it comes bearing some sad news.

according to our old prim-and-proper news friends the independent, up and coming website myspace.com is being sued by universal music, the world's largest music company, over claims that the website's users "are infringing copyright by posting pop songs and music videos on their web pages."

damn you, universal! always trying to take down small business.

the independent reports:

The suit, filed last night in a California court, demands that MySpace pay Universal up to $150,000 for every one of its copyrighted works used by the website's army of 125 million users...Universal, which is owned by the French media giant Vivendi and counts Elton John, 50 Cent and Gwen Stefani among its biggest acts, is emerging as one of the most aggressive defenders of the music industry's intellectual property in the digital age.
(the independent, "http://news.independent.co.uk/business/news/article1993664.ece")

::sigh::

i, for one, think it's awesome that "defend[ing]...the music industry" means suing everyone you possibly can.

especially when you're suing the biggest social network on the internet, which has the possibility of exposing artists to millions of new people every day.

i know each time that i hear a good song on a friend's myspace page, or check out a band i'd never heard of via their myspace page, i immediately become enraged that their record label is not getting paid for me listening to their music. the only way they can increase profit is by hoping that, with the millions of bands on myspace, i may be exposed to a few that i wouldn't have been otherwise, which would give me the desire to buy their CD!

that's too risky for the gentle giants of the music industry. wouldn't it be so much nicer if the only way we can hear music, either that we have before or that is entirely new to us, was to pay a record company? i know i'd sleep much sounder at night if i could only listen to a 30 second clip of "livin' on a prayer." but right now, the bastards at myspace allow me to listen to the whole song.

well, here's something that universal music can't charge you for: it's learn-a-little saturday!

today, i will discuss something that has been very dear to me ever since laura- and jackie-reed (laura's "friendly, spanish, brooklynite suitemate") suggested i use the topic for wiki-licious friday, but i didn't have the time to use two topics: shanklish!

shanklish is a type of cow's milk cheese that is made in syria and lebanon. wikipedia.com tells me--and i never doubt wikipedia--that it is usually formed into balls approximately 6 cm diameter, which are then covered in spices and dried. this whole process gives the cheese its unique appearance, which "somewhat resembl[es] a dirty tennis ball."

yum?

in the name of learning, i looked up a picture of this cheese:
now, laura and jackie, i'd probably willingly eat this because i do love cheese, and it's got to be better than what sarah-reed is making me eat. however, this seems rather obscure--or at least unusual to pick as a topic.

which brings me to my next area of learning: confusion!

sometimes, things in life do not match up to the preconceived notions you had about them. when this occurs, you experience a sense of distress over attempting to bring clarity to an issue, but being unable to do so.

you may scratch your head, or your chin, or perhaps become angered at your growing confusion.

an example of this comes from myself attempting to understand the question, "why shanklish?" i debate possible answers: perhaps because it sounds like a language, but is really a cheese.

like how dalmatian sounds like a dog, but is really an extinct language native to the geographical area near croatia

(don't believe me?).

and that's all i have to say about shanklish. i'm confused as to why, but i did my part in researching! and no matter how weird and obscure, i not only appreciate the topic, but demand you all post more topic ideas!

ok guys, that's sadly all i've got. there was really a big span of funny-lacking in today's post, i know. would it help if i tried to make up for that by posting the first picture that comes up when typing "smelly toad" into google's image search?
wow. did michael showalter get far older, go crazy, and start loving toads?
at least that's interesting right?

right?

(i'll try harder tomorrow)

achoo! + WJB = full orgasm

i am office drone #23890

#23890 has been programmed to many perform tasks while outputting 0% stress.

i have a malfunction.

good evening, reeds. it is friday, november 17th, and as you can infer from my robo-whining, i'm having a stressful day at work!

i guess i can't complain. i worked at a toy store for many years. if i were there right now, things would be exponentially worse.

so, without further delay (and i do apologize for the delay), here's your daily installment of tiny damaged notions!

all you lovely individuals will be happy to know that i got my hands on an advanced copy of "if i did it" by o.j. simpson! take a look:
heyy, wait a minute. that's not his book! that's an advertisement for dingo boots!

sorry, i must have gotten this confused with his book due to the blatant disregard for anything else but commercialism. apologies.

recently, i was asked this question:

i heard, don't know if it's true (you can look it up for your blog actually), that when you sneeze it's like 1/10 of an orgasm. strange, isn't it?

that did sound a big strange. i do find sneezes pleasurable from time to time, so i decided to look it up. thanks to some searching on google.com, i found this response from william m. rich, MD to the orgasm/sneeze question:

The sensation of pleasure, from whatever means, reduced to its essentials probably is an electrochemical reaction in a specific collection of cells in a specific part of the brain.
(William M. Rich, MD, "http://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/apr99/923322909.Me.r.html")

wow, william. that is so

HOT!

i'd say that response alone is worth nine-tenths of an orgasm. and, i'm so glad that it was written too technically for me to learn anything from it. so there's your answer!

now, onward, to our main event: wiki-licious friday!

i would like to start off by thanking everyone who submitted ideas. this week, i got two, and i wanted to write about them both; but alas, i did not acquire enough free time to do so. but no worries laura- and jackie-reed! tomorrow's "learn-a-little saturday," and your idea will be the topic of discussion.

normally, i will try to research all ideas given to me; however, if i get a lot of ideas one particular week, i may wait until the following friday to post it. so don't think i forgot about you!

with that said, we go to today's topic--from record-reed: william jennings bryan.
(all information below: "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_jennings_bryan")

don't know who william jennings bryan even is? shame on you! according to wikipedia he was

an American lawyer, statesman, and politician...a three-time Democratic Party nominee for President of the United States. One of the most popular speakers in American history...a devout Presbyterian, a strong proponent of popular democracy, an outspoken critic of banks and railroads, a leader of the silverite movement in the 1890s, a dominant figure in the Democratic Party, a peace advocate, a prohibitionist, an opponent of Darwinism...one of the most prominent leaders of the Progressive Movement...one of the most energetic campaigners in American history...[had] promoted Free Silver in 1896, anti-imperialism in 1900, and trust-busting in 1908, call[ed] on all Democrats to renounce conservatism, fight the trusts and big banks, and embrace progressive ideas...but is probably best known today for his crusade against Darwinism.

holy crap. that's a whole lot of stuff he got done.

that last part was italicized by me, as i felt would be especially poignant to reiterate why you reeds may have previously heard of this renaissance-man of turn-of-the-century politics.

now, even though bryan had "actively supported state laws banning public schools from teaching evolution," that doesn't mean that we can't learn a lot from bryan.
such as "remember to bring your populist-party pretzel whenever you deep-throat a democratic-donkey."

(p.s. i know that's really a snake)

a man as great as bryan, or ol' WJB as i call him, obviously had many people envious of his glorious regime of awesome he had going on:
this image depicts a well constructed zing conservatives nailed WJB with.

way to go, righties. nothing about that satire was lost over time.

"get it?!? bryan has an eclectic platform, so let's make an animal consisting of parts from different animals on a platform!"

"brilliant! but add a small, evil clown. you know, for closure."

all that would be, of course, spoken through a large, bushy, 1900-style mustache.

so i know what you're asking yourselves: "what more could he possibly report on william jennings bryan? i feel like i know the man personally already!" well, luckily for you, bryan was a part of something called the scopes trial, which also has a very loooooong wikipedia entry of its own.

but i'm a nice guy, so i'll sum it up:
the year is 1925, and two famous lawyers against one another: william jennings bryan (that's our man!) and clarence darrow (go home, darrow!).

this was a trial so famous,
that the state of tennessee decided to hold it outdoors! so everyone can breathe in that nice, country air.

scopes was found guilty! in your face, darrow! our man (circled in seductive red above) gained much publicity from his participation in the scopes trial. the rest, such as the purpose of the trial, is irrelevant. the point is, darrow went home with his tail between his legs, and WJB kept it as real as the natural setting of their outdoor courtroom.

hey look, here he is fanning that damn darrow punk!
what a nice guy. fanning even the enemy!

well, i'm spent. all that researching made me tired.

tired of a life without political action that is!

so i'm off to start various new agencies based on bettering this earth through the policies of william jennings bryan. if my bill gets passed, soon we will all be worshiping him each morning, and every night before bed.

have yourself a wonderful friday, reeds! go bust some trusts for me.

that's so uiboktih, o.j.

good afternoon, reeds! i've got so much to do, so much to write, yet so little time. crazy!

record-reed wrote:

my verification code for this post was "uiboktih" which I think is clearly an actual word and TDN is just the place to flesh out its denotion.

uiboktih

u‧i‧bok‧tih / [yew-e-bowk-tee]
-adjective

1. relating to, or similar to, the pain brought about by hitting one's testicles: when maria left me, the pain was so uiboktih that i wanted to cry.
2. unfortunate or unpleasant: that's so uiboktih that you had to stay late at work.

how's that for the "uiboktih" denotation? i'd say damn good. now how about the connotation, reeds?

remember, connotation is defined as:

the associated or secondary meaning of a word or expression in addition to its explicit or primary meaning.
(dictionary.com, "http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=connotation")

i just gave the primary meaning, so it's up to you guys to create a secondary meaning. what comes to mind when you think of "uiboktih"? think long & hard, then post it in a comment!

now, onward towards crazy-goodness.

msnbc (ooo, that's, like, a real news-station or something) reports that o.j. simpson,

the man with the poker-face of innocence, has been paid $3.5 million dollars to write a book about the double murder of his ex-wife nicole brown simpson, and her friend, ron goldman.

"so, what's he writing? a blog on how sorry he is?"

no, actually. check it out:

Simpson is not actually confessing to the murder — rather, he’s writing a “hypothetical” book — which the Enquirer reports is tentatively being called “If I Did It.” The early part of the book tells how Simpson fell in love with Nicole...He goes on, according to the article, to describe in gruesome detail the killing of his ex-wife and Goldman; he stipulates that the murder scenes are “hypothetical.”
(msnbc, "http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15066202/")

gotcha. so o.j. simpson did not kill these two people, but he's writing a book on what it would be like if he did.

that's so uiboktih, o.j. for two reasons. one, because whether you truly committed these crimes or not, you're still desecrating the memory of these two people, and appallingly abusing the double-jeopardy law which is saving you from being arrested by merely publishing this book.

and secondly, because it sounds like you stole my book idea coming up for winter 07!

"in a chillingly realistic fashion, mike, of tiny damaged notions fame, expresses what an empire-wide struggle of both anti-government and undirected violence would be like if HE were tsar nicholas II in a book tentatively titled 'so tsar-ry, but i'm innocent: mike's russian revolution of 1905.'"

damn o.j.

well reeds, sad as it may seem, i have a choice right now: i can either end today's TDN post here--earlier than i had hoped--or i can save this and work on it some more later.

but i don't know when my previous commitment will be over, allowing me the time to return to bloggin' it up; so, sadly, i am parting with you for the day.

expecting more from tomorrow's post is not only a good wish, it's one that will be fulfilled!

i promise.

avoid the restroom, get dirty in your seat!

good morning, reeds. it's wednesday, november 15th, and i haven't changed my desktop calendar since october 25th. welcome to today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

i'm not feeling particularly chipper this morning. so what can i do to still fulfill all of your expectations? why, i can complain!

"humorously?"

uhh, yeah. sure. why not?

i'm assuming all of you reeds out there are familiar with urinals. even those of you (and i know there are a few) who prefer stallin'
no, no. not him. i mean those of you who use the stall rather than the urinal. you at least see them on a day-to-day basis. and you lady reeds, i would imagine, know about them too.

so urinals have a pretty simple design: you urinate into a porcelain obstruction hanging off of the wall, then you push down a handle which creates a waterfall of cleansing water to mix with the urine and then it all goes down the drain.

some people decided they didn't want to do this last step, and never pushed down the handle. so some ingenious person created a sensor to place on these urinals, so whenever someone walks away after urinating, the sensor recognizes movement, and flushes. the only drawback is that it flushes at the sign of any movement; so when you walk up to one, it usually gives a flush.

normally, this idea is much preferred, since no one really wants to push down on a handle that oh so many people have touched after touching themselves. the preliminary flush is no big deal most of the time.

however, my lovely university decided they wanted to tweak this functional design, and threw a little SBU wrench into the mechanism. check these official blueprints:
upon walking up to this urinal (which was the furthest from the one the other student was using--an option bathroom-courtesy had me choose), i did indeed get a super-soaker styled shot of urinal water all over my hands and pants.

"awesome. urinal water."

yeah, that's just what i thought. luckily, i love having my hands coated in water from a piss-bucket, so it didn't bother me at all that the sinks were those lovely "push knob" style contraptions:
(excuse my microsoft paint artwork)

you all know this beautifully functioning mechanism, right? it's the one that requires you to constantly hold down the knob with one hand as you watch the soap melt off the other. then the recently cleaned hand can touch the dirty push knob so lefty can take a shower too. this design was made to both preserve water, and prevent awesome people from leaving the sink running and clogging the drain--creating a flood in the bathroom.

i believe my college installed these sinks for irony, since old faithful was more than willing to share his water with me.

"so what? big deal! you got sprayed with water at a urinal. is that really worth making me read all of this crap about you complaining? do something funny!"

alright, alright. onward towards something else:

foxcarolina.com reports that a man is being charged with "overt sexual activity" while aboard a southwest airlines flight from los angeles.

the charges, however, are expected to be dismissed as a misinterpretation on the part of the flight attendant.

The attorney for a California man who's accused of what authorities call "overt sexual activity" on a flight to Raleigh actually was just not feeling well.
(foxcarolina.com, "http://www.fox21.com/Global/story.asp?S=5684386&nav=2KPp")

"i'm not feeling well, honey. i'm feeling NAUGHTY!"

the sexed up sickboy, carl warren persing, rested his head on his girlfriend's lap because he felt a bit drowsy. deb newton, persing's lawyer, said that the gesture was misinterpreted by the flight attendant, who proceeded to humiliate and harass both persing and his hot girly pillow.

here's what i think happened:

carl warren persing probably was feeling a bit under the weather (even though he was flying above the weather! nyuck, nyuck, nyuck) and decided to rest his head on his girlfriend's lap--knowing that a woman's lap is the most comfortable of pillows.

a bit of turbulence, and a rude passenger behind mr. persing, caused his head to move slightly back and forth along his girlfriend's lap.

carl, like most of us, likes to sleep face down.

and, of course, his girlfriend was simply moaning with pleasure due to the excitement of airline travel.

so the flight attendant wasn't just being a very uptight, paranoid, and weird individual in assuming that someone resting their head on another's lap is the equivalent of oral sex, it was just a miscalculation of the given situation.

well reeds, that's where i'll end it for today's post. a side note: my browser froze and forced me to end the process through windows' task manager, which sent me off on an internal rage spree, assuming i had lost today's post.

however, thanks to the brilliance that is firefox 2.0, my post was saved when i continued the session upon restarting firefox.

so today's TDN installment is brought to by the mozilla corporation. everyone throw your internet explorer shortcuts into the recycling bin and go download firefox 2!!

i demand it!

(oh, and thank you to the reeds who posted ideas for wiki-licious friday! keep posting! i'll eventually use all of 'em)

good news, ishmael: christmas is cancelled!

happy tuesday to all you reeds out there, and welcome to today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

do you know what today is? it's november 14th, or moby-dick day!

that's right all you fiction lovers, it was a mere 155 years ago that herman melville kicked the literary world in the balls with his giant epic about a crazy one-legged captain who is maniacally searching for an albino whale. here's an artist's depiction of that moment done in haste:
with a beard like that, how could he not have finely toned legs?

the book is narrated by ishmael, and contains many hotly debated themes including religious tolerance and intolerance, homosexuality, and, the juiciest one of them all, whaling. all the ins and outs of whaling can be found in this feels-too-long-by-page-12 novel; so, if anyone out there is curious as to what life as a whaler in the 19th century must have been like, pick this sucker up.

here's an example of the groundbreaking ideologies presented in ol' MD:

[A]ll evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified and made practically assailable in Moby Dick.
(moby dick, chapter 41)

and isn't that just so true? don't we all have our own personal moby dick's that we claim are responsible for all evil in the world?

for instance, i blame all that is good for everything that is evil in the world. reason being is that if good did not exist, evil would not either. while i understand that the balance between the two is necessary, if i must scapegoat anything, it's going to be good, for evil can be said to be a side-effect of this; much like how good can be said to be a side-effect of evil. it can be looked at from either way. it is circular, and a universal constant.

but that's just me. in scarborough, england, for example, they blame christmas. or at least that's what i assume after reading this headline:
wow. those people need to kick back with a bacon float and settle down a bit.

apparently, about 10,000 visitors came to scarborough's annual christmas-tree-lighting ceremony last year, and fire officials say only 2,000 can safely attend; so instead of potentially facing a compensation claim if someone gets injured, officials have just decided to trash the event altogether.

makes sense. my professors often cancel class in fear that the room will breach its maximum occupancy. so rather than turning students away from the learning experience, they just give up, and send out an e-mail stating it won't be meeting that day

(i hope my german professor reads this. sounds like a good idea, ja, herr bloomer?).

penny marsden, a local shopkeeper with a daredevil attitude, expressed her thoughts on the subject:

This is a joyous occasion when children come out to enjoy the start of Christmas - and we are going to rob them of it.
(ananova.com, "http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2076181.html?menu=")

nothing like robbing children, i always say. santa gives them all the good stuff!

and besides, they can enjoy christmas safely from their school seats.

well, enough of that that holiday topic. let's get down to business:

record-reed informed me he wasn't sure what "wiki-licious friday" was all about. so, i'll give everyone a breakdown:

each friday i will spend a portion of the TDN post discussing a theme that i researched solely on wikipedia.com, the now-anyone-can-be-a-scholar encyclopedia. the topic can be anything at all (as long as it has a wikipedia page), but it's up to you reeds to give me a topic! you can post an idea as a comment on any TDN installment. remember, it's tuesday, so you only have 3 days! get to posting!

now, unless i get that e-mail about occupancy fears canceling class, i have to be leaving now to drive on down to my university. all your reeds have a wonderful tuesday; remember to post your wiki-ideas, and be sure to ruin christmas for any younger siblings or relatives.

TDN, out!

TDN: now with more trans fat!

oh, why hello, reeds. i didn't even see you browse in.

welcome to this monday's installment of tiny damaged notions: the culinary blog that brings you the best foods in the world!

today's delicious masterpiece: chicken-fried steak ice cream!
according to josh from dethroner.com, "where every man is king":

Not just chicken fried steak a la mode, but chicken fried steak covered with a scoop of ice cream made from the schmutz from a deglazed pan in which the steak was cooked. It was, surprisingly, awful.
(dethroner.com, "http://dethroner.com/index.php/2006/11/11/chicken-fried-steak-ice-cream/")

awful? call me "old-fashioned," but i can't imagine that a less desirable cut of steak which was submerged in batter, fried in lard, and topped off with a gravy-based "ice cream" would taste awful.

(sarah-reed, please tell don't make me eat this too. i beg of you!)

in more artery-clogging news, the new york daily news reports that mcdonalds, home of the bacon float,
will be cutting out the trans fat from its foods in europe. but don't you worry, my fellow americans, we won't be having any frequency decreases in our coronary heart disease statitics--we're keeping the fat in.

according to mcdonald's vice president, catherine adams:

Our European business was able to identify an oil blend that met customer taste expectations.
(new york daily news, "http://www.nydailynews.com/news/wn_report/story/469551p-395201c.html")

i guess in europe, their taste expectations don't solely include "greasy, fatty, heart-attack-givin' eats!" but this is america, naysayers; so before you go cry me a river about how this is just another reason we have an obesity problem in our country, need i remind you of our great nation's food pyramid?
ok, so you've got your trans fat up top--where it belongs. then you've got your "dinner group," consisting of chicken-fried steak ice cream and baseball's best burger (remember, that's a bacon cheeseburger served inside a donut). underneath that you've got your coke balls, and other coke-syrup-based desserts. and finally, on the bottom you've got your "healthy things," like fish, and those sides that come with your chicken-fried steak ice cream.

luckily, fish will be gone by 2048; but if we try really hard, reeds, we can eliminate all vegetables even sooner--eventually leaving our life expectancy at the tasty 15 year mark. that means they'll have to lower the legal age for alcohol consumption to compensate. hey, my grandkids can get drunk at 8!

i always felt responsible enough to drink alcohol by 3rd grade.

well, i've got a lot of letters to write--and i'm not even making that up. so you reeds have yourselves a wonderful monday. remember to up the trans fat whenever you can. mickey d's style.

inclement weather? let's rps!

good afternoon, reeds. it's sunday, november 12th. where i live, this is what the weather looks like for this upcoming week:
boo to the max.

i don't know about you all, but i personally can't wait for snow. imagine if all this rain were flurries instead? we'd have a blizzard! snow days upon snow days. we can all play outside and have snowball fights; then come indoors and drink hot chocolate.

::sigh:: soon enough.

well, onward towards why you're reading this: today's installment of tiny damaged notions!

if you remember correctly, yesterday i mentioned rock, paper, scissors in passing. well, i must secretly control media sources, because last night i found this interesting tidbit of reporting via yahoo! news:
yep, that's right: "Rock Paper Scissors World Championships."

this is no joke. there is seriously a society known as "The World RPS Society," with official rules governing the game. they've even made a crest:
now, this is no more lame than anything i've ever done, so i can't bash the RPS society. and, to be honest, why the hell would i want to? i find it pretty nifty.

here's a short, short bio on this organization: a world governing body was formed in england during the mid-1800s. in 1918, this organization was moved to canada, which was, as they put it, a "safe, hospitable and utterly inoffensive nation."

way to go, canada.

in 1925, the organization was renamed "The World RPS Society," and i'm sure all of the 10,000 members were frequently having sexual intercourse with various sexy partners after notifying them of this name switch, and their membership to such a cool club.

"but what's the point?" you may be asking. well, tournament director graham walker,
whose shoulder is so sexy he can hardly keep his scissor off of it, had a very interesting take on the purpose of RPS:

We don't think we should be determining the fate of
Iraq, but maybe we can resolve a lot of smaller conflicts like two children fighting over a chocolate bar.
(AFP, "http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20061111/od_afp/canadagamesummit_061111162450")

the idea of two children fighting over a chocolate bar is all the reason i'd need to form an organization based on a specific form of conflict resolution, and hold competitive tournaments in its name.

my one quarrel with graham walker is that he doesn't go far enough. why shouldn't we be determining the fate of iraq with RPS? american officials have tried resolving this whole war-dealy with both passive and aggressive forms of violence. what more could we do?

and frankly, i think mr. bush is down:
check out that throw! now, i don't want to give away any military secrets, but it looks like mr. bush is planning on using "the avalanche" RPS strategy:
"subtle yet aggresive." sounds like a brilliant tactic, sir.

well, reeds, i'm off to go about my day. dinner with my family in honor of my brother's birthday, and a whole lot of other good stuff (actually just homework, but let's imagine better things). you all head out and truly make this "sunday funday"!

(not a lame sentiment at all)

"happyness" is being a famous burrito

good afternoon, reeds. it's saturday, november 11th--veterans day--and i don't know about you but i'm ready for another installment of tiny damaged notions.

shut up and jam!

yesterday, i went to see the new talkie stranger than fiction in the moving picture theater. in case you can't recall, here's the poster:
whether or not i enjoyed the film is irrelevant (alright, i'll tell you that i did enjoy the film, but only because all you reeds are so nice), the important part was the trailer i saw for the new will smith movie:
hmmm. "happyness," i thought, is misspelled.

well, i didn't so much think it as i angrily turned towards kristen-reed, proclaiming "what the hell?!? they misspelled happiness! what, did they not spellcheck their movie title?!?"

so, today i went on a little research binge, and found out via imdb.com that the misspelling was intentional. furthermore, i discovered that it was first an ol' fashioned bound memoir by chris gardner. npr.org was nice enough to give me the reason why:

The misspelled "Happyness" of the book's title comes from when Gardner was looking for daycare for his son so Gardner could pursue his career. He rejected one facility because it misspelled "Happiness" in its name, but gained insight into what happiness meant to him personally when he explained the literal meaning of the word to his curious son.
(npr.org, "http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5443651")

this turned my feelings of anger into feelings of joy. gardner rejected sending his son to a daycare center that misspelled "happiness."

amazing.

so kudos go to you, chris gardner. i know i'd do the same, and i hope all you reeds would too. let's break free from ignorance and demand nerdy satisfaction!

oh, what a wonderful segue into learn-a-little saturday! today's topic: fame.

being famous just means having a widespread reputation, or that a large percentage of the general public (or whatever demographic said person is famous in) knows the person exists. most of the time, this also means that the public acknowledges said famous person as performing or doing something that has given them notariety.

most commonly, people become famous for these actions which they have done, whether liked or disliked: mother theresa is well known for being a saint-like kind missionary; tom hanks is known as an american actor. when disliked, it is also called infamous: john wayne gacy, jr is infamous for being a serial killer.

there is a third case which also exists, which is perhaps the strangest one: people will become famous, and the general public doesn't even know why that person became famous. many times, this is due to being related to another famous person. think about why the hell anyone knows paris hilton. once she started doing anything that may have made her famous (television shows, merchandising, main-stream music), she had already been famous prior to that. it is just that enough people have spoken about said person, and they've infiltrated enough common media sources that the details of their rise to fame become blurred in their already-gaining notoriety.

with that said, one doesn't actually need to have done anything superb to get him or her into the spotlight--even if it is just for a short while, or for "15 minutes of fame."

15 minutes may be all i need to show reese witherspoon how awesome i am. so start getting my name out there! spread TDN love everywhere: discuss it by the water cooler at work, write rave-reviews for it to media sources, get TDN tattooed across your back, etc.

well, that's enough self-promotion and reese-infatuation disguised as learning for one day. let's move on, shall we?

CBS4boston.com, the aptly titled website for boston's local CBS station, reported on this spicy piece of news:

(cbs4boston.com, "http://cbs4boston.com/local/local_story_314094750.html")

not only is this culinary battle worthy of reporting on, but according to the caption under the picture of a fanged-vampire eating a burrito, it is known as "the great burrito debate."

can you reeds believe that we're all alive for, and able to experience firsthand, the great burrito debate? we'll be telling our grandkids about this, that's for sure.

then there was a neat little poll which asks you, the reader, if you believe a burrito is a sandwich. i'll tell you in confidence that i voted amongst the many for "Of course not." the 29% who voted for "Yes, bread plus filling equals sandwich" are brave, but incorrect, i felt. i don't know about you, but i've never seen a burrito wrapped up in bread. it's called a "tortilla."

according to the story, panera bread got all huffy-puffy when a mexican restaurant opened itself in the same shopping center as a panera bread location, after the owners of the mall had given panera "sandwich exclusivity."

then, like burrito-filling, things got heated. they went to court, and this ridiculous story was born.

In his ruling, [Worcester Superior Court Judge Jeffrey A.] Locke cited Webster's definition of a sandwich and explained that the difference comes down to two slices of bread versus one tortilla: "A sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans," he wrote.
(cbs4boston.com, "http://cbs4boston.com/local/local_story_314094750.html")

you think judge locke was smiling when he gave out this ruling? i don't know how often in your career as a judge you'd be expecting to read aloud webster's definition of a sandwich.

"before coming to my verdict on this case of rock v. paper, i will first read the wikipedia article on 'rock, paper, scissors' to clarify this misunderstanding."

"choice filling of meat, rice, and beans" still makes me laugh. sounds like he's trying to advertise mexican food with that one. and who can blame him? that's one tasty area of eats.

that's all for this saturday's installment of tiny damaged notions. now all you reeds can finally get back to planning your saturday. it is saturday when you're reading this right? you didn't wait until you were bored later on in the week because you had "better things to do" did you?

DID YOU?!?

good, i thought not. enjoy your saturday everyone! and save a burrito for me.